Archive | April 2014

Drunken Words are Sober Thoughts…

While I sit here, feeling free, feeling genuinely happy, laughing without a care, Ed still wins.

Yes. I have had a couple glasses of wine. I feel exuberant. I drink not because I need to to eat. I did so to have a fabulous celebration.

Yet I sit here thinking: I hope I drank enough that I am forced to vomit. So I shall eat ice cream so it does not hurt to vomit later.

Damnit Ed. Fuck. Even in the times where I thought I was without you, there you are. Popping up.

It’s ironic: I used to have to be drunk to even force myself to eat minimally–dark days. Now here I am inebriated and enjoying myself, and so unaware of your influence. It took me truly asking myself why I was eating ice cream to remember that I thought–eh it’s okay to drink more so that I vomit in the am and have ice cream to even out the acid-base balance. Fuck. You win. Aaagains.

I seriously hate committing but this seems to be the time when it’s ok–when Ed has the reigns.

Well there goes my buzz…

Oh Ed!

Warning: use of profanity. Possibly written in a no sober state.

Haaaa!
Hahahah genuine laughter!

It has been quite a week!!

I dated some guys. One nailed this crazy down. He made it exclusive. And yes he knows about Ed! So waiting for this shoe to drop! The one where he walks away. Where I go back to my accepted singledom. Where I fuck it up. Avoid my problems because I am soooo good at that!

And I had to deal with change in shifts. No matter how much I tried to emotionally prepare for it, even the Ativan did not help. Toxicity cannot be faced.

So I sit here now. Celebrating that I did not kill this new relationship. First one in 2 years. That I survived an impossible feat–work. Where I went completely unappreciated by my own–recognized by an outside department. Happy hard work week Cassie!! You survived it!! All odds against you and you lived! And ate somewhat!! Even with crackers and anorexia itching at you! With the positive signs of weight loss!!

Forget Cindy and our sober pact! I survived and I have struggled against Ed so hard, barely making it by with Ed mainly dominating. But my glasses of wine. My favorite music blasting. This dance party. This boy calling me. Me finishing a book. Me signing up for a cake decorating class for a month. Me making Mac n cheese from scratch. This is what I need to celebrate. I am alive. One year after being basically a zombie. I am alive.

Fuck you, Ed. I’ve made it this far.

And I survived this past week. Tears and all. Bring it, bitch.

😀

Tie with Ed

Warning: the following contains foul language, promiscuous references, and a look at anorexic thoughts. They are not pretty. This could be triggering.

Right now it is a major tie with Ed. I have actually had a good week and am enjoying those feelings!! A first in a year. Of course, as a health are provider, I keep checking in with myself: am I genuinely happy or is this hypomania….again.

I’m actually happy.

After a not so pleasant day at work on Friday, I left thinking how only one more Friday shift left. I left happy. Maybe it is that light at the end of the tunnel. No I am still not sure how I feel about my shift changes.

It was great to hear how upset people were that I would no longer be working Fridays. And they brought me mini gifts. It sucks, though, that I’m now seeing the appreciation because I’m leaving….

On top of that, I have been talking to three guys. Well actually more like 7 guys but 3 have my attention and true interest. Yea I rejoined an online dating site. I have to be careful because previously when I was 18, I joined the site explicitly to feel better about myself.

I have previously determined that because I am anorexic no one will love me or tolerate my mental hilarity: I will be single for life. It was hard but I accepted it.

I went to online dating because basically I wanted sex. Sex always makes me feel better because someone wants me in that moment. No it is not healthy but that’s my pattern.

In the past I attracted people who were creeps, not attractive to me, and just plain losers. I expected it this time around.

Nopes. I have gotten so lucky. So so lucky!

Take that Ed!! Always telling me how I’m not pretty enough and I’m too fat to beloved…everyday I get at least 2 guys hitting on me!! This time around, guys I’m actually attracted to!! One of which is Peter.

I have been talking to them for a week. One guy Eric I didn’t take too seriously. After a text convo, I was ready to ditch him. He texted asking for a 20 minute phone call last night. Sure why not. Ed is over here telling me I’m not good enough so fuck you Ed I’ll take it!!

20 minutes turned into 5 hours!! It went so well! He is amazing as well! 2 of the 3 guys I’m talking to want to wait to have sex as they really value it. These guys want to wait till committed relationships for that.

This is the first time in my life that I have had this much respect from a man. And Eric is very serious about it. I feel so amazing! These guys are so interested in me! They are giving me everything I have ever dreamed of! But I never thought this would happen to me because Ed is constantly telling me, reminding me, I am not good enough or deserving.

It right now, Ed does not exist. At least not in this circumstance. These guys care about me and not to get in my panties. Eric is ecstatic for our date on Tuesday. He bought me a gift! What?! My last serious boyfriend didn’t even get me anything for my birthday and/or college graduation!! Ya he’s an asshole.

Is this real life?! Is this derealization again?! Ed always reminds me it’s not real because I’m not good enough or I’m too fat…but I can’t hear Ed.

I win. I. Win!!!!

But the struggle with eating has been beyond difficult. I think I rerelapsed. Ya that struggle with Passover– Ed really won. I have been restricting my eating and I had to give up on staying Passover kosher. I know it’s for the best as frustrating and upsetting as it is to let Ed win that.

But even still, Ed is winning. Two Sunday evening work shifts in a row all I have eaten for dinner are the 3 protein shakes. I find myself throwing away half of my oatmeal on Fridays and Saturdays. Damnit. The draw of crackers speaks to me–sidenote crackers are how I really triggered into not eating at all this past year.

It has been rough. And Ed has won this.

So I am in a tie with Ed. It feels sooo weird! I thought that because Ed won with food I would feel ugly and not good enough. I thought because I felt pretty and worthy, eating wouldn’t be an issue.

Where the hell does this disconnect come from?! Great question for Cherry tomorrow…

And my eating must be a problem…identifiable problem. Jamie gave me an entire bag of the Cadbury Cassie Crack Eggs. I think because she noticed it’s the only fattening and sweet food I will eat. My mom, who has been in denial and uninvolved, keeps reminding me to eat.

Just too much anxiety.

At the Easter potluck I brought nothing because the thought was overwhelming. I made up a horrible, yet believable excuse–lies when backed into a corner about food.

Yet here is one coworker who makes me a vegetarian monte cristo. Plops it down in front of me. I have no choice. And all that powdered sugar on top!!! Aww what the fuck!! Fuckity fuck duck fuck! Ed shut up!!

Force it in. Tastes soooo good. I’m going to vomit. I can’t do this! They are all staring at me!!! I have to eat it all!! It tasting soooo good makes it that much worse!! The urge to purge is there. But if I vomit and my coworkers see me they will send me home sick! Damnit Ed! I hate you so much right now! I’m trapped!!! Sheer panic all I can do is eat and distract others from me! Fail. Total fucking fail.

Ed was angry.

But Eric and Peter are texting me!! My heart skips a beat! I’m so elated! Huge smile!!

I feel so torn. And I’ve noticed my 3liters of water has become 0.5liters a day. Shit.

It’s a tie. It’s a crazy battle in my head. I feel like Jeckell and Hyde.

Cherry can’t come soon enough!!

Ed Won Today

There is a lot going through my mind–mainly a lot of anger.

Visit with Cherry was productive. Teary but productive. Just so angry with Cindy. Came to realize that she thinks we are best friends but my needs are not a priority. And caught her in a major deceitful lie.

I am calm now so I will not go there right now.

I learned I do not like CPKs gluten free pizza. I love gluten. Sorry!

I will also not be able to participate in Passover which contributed to my upset today. More later.

I restricted today out of sheer anger. Ed won. Ed can have this one. It was better that than acting out the anger. I’m sorry Cherry! But at least I didn’t fuck the anger out!

On the plus side Peter was a major helpful resource today. He ended up turning this day around. He made me smile and laugh. Thank you Peter.

Ed is on the brain and Ed is loving the anger–which means this post is now over.

Cassie vs. Ed

SO it begins. Another face off with Ed’s Voice.

As previously mentioned, I am Jewish. This week is Passover. I received permission and clearance by Cherry to participate in the Passover religious restriction of foods and diet.

At first I was ecstatic for the religious clarity.

Tonight, as I sat through seder, I came to realize, yes it felt amazing to do this religiously, but I am scared. Ed was the excited one.

Something I thought was Kosher for Passover turns out not to be. The foods are severely limited. While I have a list of meals approved by Cherry, I found myself defaulting already into the “oh I cannot find something to eat easily, guess I will not eat.” BAD!! BAD BAD BAD! BAD GIRL CASSIE!

 

Ed. You may have won today. But I will regain this. I am not sure how right now as I am panicky about it. But I see Cherry tomorrow and she will help me regroup against you.

 

To be continued, Ed.

Life’s Curveballs

Life throws me curveballs. And often. I just follow that ball wherever it takes me; never knowing where it goes.

 

This curveball turned out to be amazing. A rarity at this point.

 

So I was on an online dating site. Yea a GREAT place for someone with self confidence and self esteem issues… you know… Ed’s Voice. I absolutely refuse to put my body shape because how the hell do you pick one? There is no box that says, “recovering anorexic who was slowly relapsing over the past 9 years and finally fully relapsed but is now eating again so is actually losing weight?” No? Have you seen that box?

And you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for not being interested in me because I am not the body shape you want. I don’t want you if you are that shallow. I am an amazing person and I am tired of people telling me otherwise or not giving me a chance because I am not skin and bones. Because when I was, people just wanted to show me off for how I looked. No one appreciated who I was and what I had to offer. Frankly it was one of the reasons I was partially [a smidgeon] okay with gaining weight because I was hoping someone would actually love me for who I was not what I looked like. Yes that Playboy body came with some serious mental consequences.

 

But I digress. One guy kept looking at my profile. I had a surge of confidence. I went for it and messaged him. And we kept messaging back and forth for the past few days. We upgraded a few days ago to texting. It was going so well. Last night, Peter called me. We ended up talking on the phone for 3 hours. And the time, it flew.

 

Where Peter and I stand is just in the air. Definitely friends at this point. But huge possibility for more. There is definitely sexual attraction. But that phone call last night. It scared me. I got off the phone and smiled. I was giddy. I cried.

 

Via texting, Peter and I discovered we were best friends [like jokingly from the movie Stepbrothers “did we just become best friends?!] when it turns out we both have a stuffed bear with the same name.

 

But as Peter and I talked more and more last night, the conversation started getting deeper and deeper. He really opened up to me. As he was doing so he slipped out he has some anxiety issues. I was so taken aback I actually screamed “Shut. Up!” and he was like uhhh ok?  Well as the conversation progressed, I came to find out he and I are very similar people. We have similar struggles and experiences. I disclosed to him. For the first time ever, I found someone who completely understood why I was anorexic but overweight. Then he said the most beautiful words to me after validating my situation, “you are so beautiful and you are not even that overweight.”  He had suffered similar issues: his anxiety got to a point where he stopped eating and when he finally started eating again he ballooned up because his body had faced starvation. Someone who finally understands me.

 

Yea. Peter and I literally became best friends last night.

 

Why does this scare me? I mean, I finally found someone who completely understands every. damn. struggle. I am going through and the feelings. How to cope. The pain. The push. The lack of motivation. The frustration. The fears. The hurt.

I am so scared because he just read my damn soul. He just saw my pain by having lived it. I have not met someone to reach me like that since my first love [with heartbreak] Tricksy the summer after highschool. We were best friends. He loved me. We took it to the next level. Then he broke me: he broke my heart and ended us because he could not handle the distance.

 

Now Ed is back. Telling me to be scared and to be worried. This is starting off the same way it did with Tricksy. I am so scared to build and be broken by that.

Thankfully, so is Peter. He keeps saying he is broken. I think we are damaged. Broken means you cannot pick up the pieces. Damaged means we have the pieces but they are not necessarily all glued back together or a few are missing.  And that is ok.

But Peter keeps reminding me that we are definitely friends and that he does not know what he wants.

Frankly, that is okay. I honestly know what I want. But that is not my issue. My issue is if I am ready for what I want. The answer to that is obvious: no.

I am so not ready for hurt. So Peter being in my life. Well this is such a good thing. It is a curveball but damnit I caught sight of this one and I think I am going to follow it. For at least a while.

 

Cindy, Badgyr, Effy, Erin, Celeste, Daren, Lexi, and Jamie are amazing in my life. I could not do this recovery without them by any means.They are so amazing and supportive. They see my struggles and I see the frustration I cause them–not intentionally. They have put up with my mental hilarity.

But Peter. He actually understands and empathizes. His support is different. It is what I have been looking and searching for; what I have been needing. I am the same for him. Awkward turtle soul mates. He told me that he had never told some of the things we talked about to even his close friends. Yea same level, baby.

He texted me today saying he was having a chaotic day. I completely understood. I texted him back words that I know I would need to hear and it turns out they were just what he needed. It feels amazing to provide support for him. Why? Because strangely it feels like I am supporting myself.

As he and I both suffer from ‘do as I say not as I do’ it works out well. I say exactly what he tells himself but because I said it he can do it. He says exactly what I say to myself but because he said it I can do it. We have the same insecurities. The same issues with online dating. Ugh same person, different gender!

For this reason, I do not know if I actually want to ruin this by having sex or taking it to the next level. I just found a new best friend; a new soul mate. We are so. so. so. similar it scares me [oh yea I told him]. But then it is also that whole would you date yourself thing. He does not know what he wants but I sit here, knowing what I want, and I do not want to risk losing something so good and healthy for me.

So for now. He is not being added to my Support list. Let’s see where this goes first. I am so used to finding good things and them leaving me. I am fearful of attachment. Good things die in my life.

 

When did I finally grow? Must have been when I was chasing all those curveballs life is constantly throwing me. The running is starting to pay off.

Giving Thanks Where It Is Due

Last week, I received a phone call from my gynecology office prompting me that it was time for me to schedule my annual well woman visit. So I did so for today.

 

But I typically do it around my birthday. Why now? Ah yes. If you recollect in earlier posts I mentioned having a crisis this time last year where I spent many hours and days bouncing between my gynecologist and my primary care physician. It seems that due to this, it moved up my annual well woman visit.

 

So as I thought about that, I reflected even more on what has happened in the past year. How much I have accomplished since that first major crisis. What was it that really got me to get the help?

 

I know the answer. As much as I hated it last year, Gee was instrumental in my getting help. That look on her face when I had a full on anxiety and panic attack in the office. The look that was like “ok, Cassie is not alright” but not in a condescending way… a concerned way.

 

So there I was: waiting in the waiting room. Thoughts racing through my head, Ed’s Voice on repeat. What would Gee think of me? Does she even remember me? Does she even remember the craziness of last year? I am definitely going to tell her today when I see her. Yup it is decided; anxiety and all I am telling her what I have been thinking. Sorry, Ed but I am taking the reigns because I have control today.

 

I was worried though. *PoP* here comes Ed! What if there is a resident in there? Will you still say what you have been rehearsing if the resident is in the room as well? And what will you do, Cassie, if they weigh you?  [Statistically it is hit or miss as to whether they will weight me or not in this clinic] You going to cheat and look and let me take over? Will you give me the control back?

“Cassie?” I stand up thankful to just GO and try and ignore Ed.

No no it turns out there is another Cassie in the waiting area. What are the odds?! I mean honestly my name is not that common. Here you go, Ed. It is all yours.

 

And the ruminating begins. The panic begins. It starts to take over.

 

“Cassie?” Oh thank heavens it is really for me now. But sheer anxiety and panic is in my throat as the MA introduces herself.

 

“We will just wait in this line to take your weight–”

“I do not do weights”–holy cow!! Where the hell did that come from?! I said it without thinking. But you know what? I have the right to refuse that weight! And damnit if she challenges it I will say something!

The MA looked completely puzzled as she processed what I said.  I smiled sweetly.

She proceeded to take me to my room.  We sit down and start going over the allergies and medications. Now refresher: my anorexia treatment is on the children’s charting system and I am currently being seen in the adult system. So I ask if my Lexapro is listed? Nope. Ok. So I tell her my medications–Lexapro and Ativan. Here I add: yea I am in recovery for an eating disorder… that is why I do not do weights. But you know what? I did not have to explain myself to her. If anyone needed an explanation it would be the doctor, Gee, and if she asked. Yet here I am with Ed telling me to apologize how I am rude and wrong for not just going with the flow and taking the mortification I deserve. For not letting Ed win.

 

So I change. I can feel my heart rate dropping. I did it. I refused a weight. It felt SO good to stand up for myself; to do something that is in my best interest…to not let Ed win. Small victory!  Baby steps.

 

Gee comes in. Thankfully she is by herself. She starts off by telling me she was ecstatic to see me on her census and so happy to see me. She remembered.

 

Alright. Here I go.

 

“I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“Yea. I do not know if you realize what you did. I do not know if you remember but this time last year I came in with a lot of the abdominal and pelvic pain that we could not find the origin…”

“Yea I remember that it was very bizarre!”

“Yea well I figured out what the cause was. I had severe anxiety and relapsed with my anorexia. It turns out all that pain was from the anxiety and malnutrition.”

“Wow real somatic pain. It makes total sense! You were having that major stress of the interview…”

Yes she completely remembered. It feels so good to know that I made an impact. Enough of an impact that I trumped her and that she was genuinely concerned about me and my well being. I meant something to her.

“Yea so thanks to you I realized I had a problem. And when you brought up the 5150 concern, I got more anxious and started analyzing myself.  It added to everything that my friends [Cindy and Badgyr] had said of concern…”

“No I did nothing. Please if anything it was Dr. Nice…”

“No, Dr. Nice helped but you were the one who really opened my eyes to the severity. So please. Thank you! If it were not for you, I would not have realized everything my friends and Dr. Nice were telling me and proceeded to get help. You offered to do the referal for me. I have been in recovery for one year now…”

“Yea you look amazing and healthy!! You look so good!”

“*laughs* yea I have lost approximately 60 pounds! And it is ridiculous considering all I did was start eating again!”

We continued to talk and she shared a personal story about herself and dealing with anxiety.

 

Why did I tell her?  I believe in giving credit where credit is due in any circumstance.  But in the healthcare field, rarely do us providers hear from our patients how we make an impact; how we change their lives. I wanted her to know she saved my life. I told her. It really helps to know that you save a life by simply being you. She was going above and beyond her job for pizza sake–she is a gynocologist. But because she did, she saved my life.

 

I can never thank her enough for that. I was so angry with her at the time. I made her the villain. But I did realize how she saved me. I can never repay her for that. So I did the best thing that I could: I thanked her and told her how she did. She made an impact in my life. I lived. She now gets to see me. She gets to see my progress and growth. And she gets to know that she touched my life.

 

I am sorry but this part is hard for me to write. I honestly sit here and do it with tears. I have been on her end before–it is such validation for all those bad days you have to know that you impacted one life.

 

But here she did not impact my life: she saved it.

 

I will never forget her. Forget what she did.

 

Even if it takes you a year to realize what I did, never forget to thank those who support you in this process. Thank them when you are strong enough.  Thank them when you are weak. Because knowing that you are alive because of them, it is the best feeling in the world. I hope you may feel it someday.

 

Take that, Ed. I am appreciative, validated, and feeling.