Oh Ed. Your voice. How it comes and goes. How I can hear you so clearly some days and others you disappear. Like everyone else in my life. Sometimes I wondered if you died like everyone else had in my life. But when I hit that point, you always come back. The one thing I have been able to rely on.
I had everything in my life mapped out. Everything was planned. Attend college for my chosen healthcare career. Graduate at 22. Marry the man of my dreams by 24. Have already established myself in my chosen healthcare career for 3 years and start a Masters program at 25. Everything was to be perfect.
And then life happened. My life has always been nothing but curveballs. Life throws them at me and sometimes I stumble, other times I fall. But damnit I always get back up. You cannot kill me. No, literally, Ed’s Voice has yet to kill me so life will not get me. No matter how many times I have wished to be dead, nothing will kill me.
As discussed in therapy, it is admirable how my life is nothing but adversity but I am ever so strong to face it on a daily basis. Anorexia is no joke. I face it. I face Ed’s Voice and have faced Ed’s Voice often.
Well, Ed’s Voice would go dormant at times and then gently pop up again as Ed deemed it necessary. I can always rely on that with Ed!
This begins the explanation of the title. Ed’s Voice did make me fat. I grasped it but could never fight Ed’s Voice. Thank you healthcare profession training! So much so that it led me to my most recent severe relapse last year.
Because I had never fully recovered, I continued my habit of listening to Ed’s Voice–starving myself, restricting, giving in to not eating. Binge exercising. Starving on days that I exercised “to maximize caloric burn”–note that does not work.
And now for the medical explanation. The one that no one ever advertises or explains. Because I am tired of trying to explain to people how I was anorexic even though I am now fat. How I still am anorexic. The latter I have told only a handful of people whom I trust.
Our bodies are smart. They learn. My body had been starved. It faced starvation. It learned what happens when it is starved. For this reason, my body adapted. It learned that when I was restricting that it might not know when I would get food again. A concept best seen in those poor children in Africa. So my body did just that. Every time I would eat something, it would hold on to the food and store it as fat. This way my body could still function.
So I gained weight. It became a vicious, vicious cycle. I gained weight, I panicked, I restricted to lose weight [hey it worked once before!], and the restriction caused me to gain weight. But you see, this all happened because Ed’s Voice was in my mind reminding me that it worked and pushing me with incessant pestering to just try harder. To just starve longer. Ed had my best interest, right? Who knew me better than Ed?
So I tapped out, last year  at 275lbs. Now mind you I felt like I was 500lbs and most people thought I looked like I was 200lbs based on my body shape. Ah yes leave it to Ed to distort all of my perceptions of myself. I was fearful of the weight; that is why I kept starving.
Yes you other eating disorder people out there. I know exactly what you are thinking: how can you let yourself gain over 100lbs?! I did not let myself. No no. See if you grasped what I just explained above, as I gained I restricted more. This is why I refuse to go to eating disorder groups–they will never understand me. Spoilers: being in therapy and eating again, by simply consistently eating [even though I do not think I make it to 1,000 calories a day yet] I have lost a good 60lbs, minimum. I do not know much because I am not allowed to go near scales or know the results as it is triggering for me. Well I need to stop spoiling!! It will ruin your appetite [hahah too soon?] for my future posts!
With patterns of rejection–in love, at work, in interviews; I struggled. Ed’s Voice was now screaming in my head, nonstop. Ed would remind me that I was not good enough because I was fat. For once, I was actually fat. I mean I really was obese! But I was anorexic. Ed needed to help me fix myself! The crying was getting me nowhere. Ed please pull me through!
Yes. I am anorexic and obese. It does happen. But no one talks about it. Like ever. My therapist in all her years [I forking love her], has not seen many cases like me but that is because her patients end up being first onset eating disorders.
So I want to be the first to do so. The first to openly expose myself in a world where I feel judged all the time, but more so saying “I am anorexic” and get stares at my overweight body like I am a liar. I want to show everyone how archaic the DSM-V is. That being anorexic does not always mean that the patient is grossly underweight. I fit every single criterion for anorexia–I still do not have a menstrual cycle–except for the weight. So here let’s just throw me in with the title EDNOS. Yeah, because that does not make this anorexic feel fatter.
This is the sound of Ed’s Voice. Because Ed does not only come to those who are skin and bones.