Life throws me curveballs. And often. I just follow that ball wherever it takes me; never knowing where it goes.
This curveball turned out to be amazing. A rarity at this point.
So I was on an online dating site. Yea a GREAT place for someone with self confidence and self esteem issues… you know… Ed’s Voice. I absolutely refuse to put my body shape because how the hell do you pick one? There is no box that says, “recovering anorexic who was slowly relapsing over the past 9 years and finally fully relapsed but is now eating again so is actually losing weight?” No? Have you seen that box?
And you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for not being interested in me because I am not the body shape you want. I don’t want you if you are that shallow. I am an amazing person and I am tired of people telling me otherwise or not giving me a chance because I am not skin and bones. Because when I was, people just wanted to show me off for how I looked. No one appreciated who I was and what I had to offer. Frankly it was one of the reasons I was partially [a smidgeon] okay with gaining weight because I was hoping someone would actually love me for who I was not what I looked like. Yes that Playboy body came with some serious mental consequences.
But I digress. One guy kept looking at my profile. I had a surge of confidence. I went for it and messaged him. And we kept messaging back and forth for the past few days. We upgraded a few days ago to texting. It was going so well. Last night, Peter called me. We ended up talking on the phone for 3 hours. And the time, it flew.
Where Peter and I stand is just in the air. Definitely friends at this point. But huge possibility for more. There is definitely sexual attraction. But that phone call last night. It scared me. I got off the phone and smiled. I was giddy. I cried.
Via texting, Peter and I discovered we were best friends [like jokingly from the movie Stepbrothers “did we just become best friends?!] when it turns out we both have a stuffed bear with the same name.
But as Peter and I talked more and more last night, the conversation started getting deeper and deeper. He really opened up to me. As he was doing so he slipped out he has some anxiety issues. I was so taken aback I actually screamed “Shut. Up!” and he was like uhhh ok? Well as the conversation progressed, I came to find out he and I are very similar people. We have similar struggles and experiences. I disclosed to him. For the first time ever, I found someone who completely understood why I was anorexic but overweight. Then he said the most beautiful words to me after validating my situation, “you are so beautiful and you are not even that overweight.” He had suffered similar issues: his anxiety got to a point where he stopped eating and when he finally started eating again he ballooned up because his body had faced starvation. Someone who finally understands me.
Yea. Peter and I literally became best friends last night.
Why does this scare me? I mean, I finally found someone who completely understands every. damn. struggle. I am going through and the feelings. How to cope. The pain. The push. The lack of motivation. The frustration. The fears. The hurt.
I am so scared because he just read my damn soul. He just saw my pain by having lived it. I have not met someone to reach me like that since my first love [with heartbreak] Tricksy the summer after highschool. We were best friends. He loved me. We took it to the next level. Then he broke me: he broke my heart and ended us because he could not handle the distance.
Now Ed is back. Telling me to be scared and to be worried. This is starting off the same way it did with Tricksy. I am so scared to build and be broken by that.
Thankfully, so is Peter. He keeps saying he is broken. I think we are damaged. Broken means you cannot pick up the pieces. Damaged means we have the pieces but they are not necessarily all glued back together or a few are missing. And that is ok.
But Peter keeps reminding me that we are definitely friends and that he does not know what he wants.
Frankly, that is okay. I honestly know what I want. But that is not my issue. My issue is if I am ready for what I want. The answer to that is obvious: no.
I am so not ready for hurt. So Peter being in my life. Well this is such a good thing. It is a curveball but damnit I caught sight of this one and I think I am going to follow it. For at least a while.
Cindy, Badgyr, Effy, Erin, Celeste, Daren, Lexi, and Jamie are amazing in my life. I could not do this recovery without them by any means.They are so amazing and supportive. They see my struggles and I see the frustration I cause them–not intentionally. They have put up with my mental hilarity.
But Peter. He actually understands and empathizes. His support is different. It is what I have been looking and searching for; what I have been needing. I am the same for him. Awkward turtle soul mates. He told me that he had never told some of the things we talked about to even his close friends. Yea same level, baby.
He texted me today saying he was having a chaotic day. I completely understood. I texted him back words that I know I would need to hear and it turns out they were just what he needed. It feels amazing to provide support for him. Why? Because strangely it feels like I am supporting myself.
As he and I both suffer from ‘do as I say not as I do’ it works out well. I say exactly what he tells himself but because I said it he can do it. He says exactly what I say to myself but because he said it I can do it. We have the same insecurities. The same issues with online dating. Ugh same person, different gender!
For this reason, I do not know if I actually want to ruin this by having sex or taking it to the next level. I just found a new best friend; a new soul mate. We are so. so. so. similar it scares me [oh yea I told him]. But then it is also that whole would you date yourself thing. He does not know what he wants but I sit here, knowing what I want, and I do not want to risk losing something so good and healthy for me.
So for now. He is not being added to my Support list. Let’s see where this goes first. I am so used to finding good things and them leaving me. I am fearful of attachment. Good things die in my life.
When did I finally grow? Must have been when I was chasing all those curveballs life is constantly throwing me. The running is starting to pay off.