Tie with Ed

Warning: the following contains foul language, promiscuous references, and a look at anorexic thoughts. They are not pretty. This could be triggering.

Right now it is a major tie with Ed. I have actually had a good week and am enjoying those feelings!! A first in a year. Of course, as a health are provider, I keep checking in with myself: am I genuinely happy or is this hypomania….again.

I’m actually happy.

After a not so pleasant day at work on Friday, I left thinking how only one more Friday shift left. I left happy. Maybe it is that light at the end of the tunnel. No I am still not sure how I feel about my shift changes.

It was great to hear how upset people were that I would no longer be working Fridays. And they brought me mini gifts. It sucks, though, that I’m now seeing the appreciation because I’m leaving….

On top of that, I have been talking to three guys. Well actually more like 7 guys but 3 have my attention and true interest. Yea I rejoined an online dating site. I have to be careful because previously when I was 18, I joined the site explicitly to feel better about myself.

I have previously determined that because I am anorexic no one will love me or tolerate my mental hilarity: I will be single for life. It was hard but I accepted it.

I went to online dating because basically I wanted sex. Sex always makes me feel better because someone wants me in that moment. No it is not healthy but that’s my pattern.

In the past I attracted people who were creeps, not attractive to me, and just plain losers. I expected it this time around.

Nopes. I have gotten so lucky. So so lucky!

Take that Ed!! Always telling me how I’m not pretty enough and I’m too fat to beloved…everyday I get at least 2 guys hitting on me!! This time around, guys I’m actually attracted to!! One of which is Peter.

I have been talking to them for a week. One guy Eric I didn’t take too seriously. After a text convo, I was ready to ditch him. He texted asking for a 20 minute phone call last night. Sure why not. Ed is over here telling me I’m not good enough so fuck you Ed I’ll take it!!

20 minutes turned into 5 hours!! It went so well! He is amazing as well! 2 of the 3 guys I’m talking to want to wait to have sex as they really value it. These guys want to wait till committed relationships for that.

This is the first time in my life that I have had this much respect from a man. And Eric is very serious about it. I feel so amazing! These guys are so interested in me! They are giving me everything I have ever dreamed of! But I never thought this would happen to me because Ed is constantly telling me, reminding me, I am not good enough or deserving.

It right now, Ed does not exist. At least not in this circumstance. These guys care about me and not to get in my panties. Eric is ecstatic for our date on Tuesday. He bought me a gift! What?! My last serious boyfriend didn’t even get me anything for my birthday and/or college graduation!! Ya he’s an asshole.

Is this real life?! Is this derealization again?! Ed always reminds me it’s not real because I’m not good enough or I’m too fat…but I can’t hear Ed.

I win. I. Win!!!!

But the struggle with eating has been beyond difficult. I think I rerelapsed. Ya that struggle with Passover– Ed really won. I have been restricting my eating and I had to give up on staying Passover kosher. I know it’s for the best as frustrating and upsetting as it is to let Ed win that.

But even still, Ed is winning. Two Sunday evening work shifts in a row all I have eaten for dinner are the 3 protein shakes. I find myself throwing away half of my oatmeal on Fridays and Saturdays. Damnit. The draw of crackers speaks to me–sidenote crackers are how I really triggered into not eating at all this past year.

It has been rough. And Ed has won this.

So I am in a tie with Ed. It feels sooo weird! I thought that because Ed won with food I would feel ugly and not good enough. I thought because I felt pretty and worthy, eating wouldn’t be an issue.

Where the hell does this disconnect come from?! Great question for Cherry tomorrow…

And my eating must be a problem…identifiable problem. Jamie gave me an entire bag of the Cadbury Cassie Crack Eggs. I think because she noticed it’s the only fattening and sweet food I will eat. My mom, who has been in denial and uninvolved, keeps reminding me to eat.

Just too much anxiety.

At the Easter potluck I brought nothing because the thought was overwhelming. I made up a horrible, yet believable excuse–lies when backed into a corner about food.

Yet here is one coworker who makes me a vegetarian monte cristo. Plops it down in front of me. I have no choice. And all that powdered sugar on top!!! Aww what the fuck!! Fuckity fuck duck fuck! Ed shut up!!

Force it in. Tastes soooo good. I’m going to vomit. I can’t do this! They are all staring at me!!! I have to eat it all!! It tasting soooo good makes it that much worse!! The urge to purge is there. But if I vomit and my coworkers see me they will send me home sick! Damnit Ed! I hate you so much right now! I’m trapped!!! Sheer panic all I can do is eat and distract others from me! Fail. Total fucking fail.

Ed was angry.

But Eric and Peter are texting me!! My heart skips a beat! I’m so elated! Huge smile!!

I feel so torn. And I’ve noticed my 3liters of water has become 0.5liters a day. Shit.

It’s a tie. It’s a crazy battle in my head. I feel like Jeckell and Hyde.

Cherry can’t come soon enough!!

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