Oh Ed!

Warning: use of profanity. Possibly written in a no sober state.

Hahahah genuine laughter!

It has been quite a week!!

I dated some guys. One nailed this crazy down. He made it exclusive. And yes he knows about Ed! So waiting for this shoe to drop! The one where he walks away. Where I go back to my accepted singledom. Where I fuck it up. Avoid my problems because I am soooo good at that!

And I had to deal with change in shifts. No matter how much I tried to emotionally prepare for it, even the Ativan did not help. Toxicity cannot be faced.

So I sit here now. Celebrating that I did not kill this new relationship. First one in 2 years. That I survived an impossible feat–work. Where I went completely unappreciated by my own–recognized by an outside department. Happy hard work week Cassie!! You survived it!! All odds against you and you lived! And ate somewhat!! Even with crackers and anorexia itching at you! With the positive signs of weight loss!!

Forget Cindy and our sober pact! I survived and I have struggled against Ed so hard, barely making it by with Ed mainly dominating. But my glasses of wine. My favorite music blasting. This dance party. This boy calling me. Me finishing a book. Me signing up for a cake decorating class for a month. Me making Mac n cheese from scratch. This is what I need to celebrate. I am alive. One year after being basically a zombie. I am alive.

Fuck you, Ed. I’ve made it this far.

And I survived this past week. Tears and all. Bring it, bitch.


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