It has been a very long time since I wrote. So much to cover but ever so difficult with Ed’s Voice ringing louder and louder in my head.
I have had victories. I have had falls. A lot. A. Lot. Of tears have been shed. Anger has consumed me. As has Ed’s Voice.
In a nutshell, I dated a guy for 2 weeks. I let my guard down for him. He gave me a drawer at his place. He seemed so sure. He broke my heart.
Leave it to me to ignore the sane voice in my head. The one, as I kept telling Cherry in sessions, that said this guy scares me because he reminds me a lot of my first love who turned out to be anorexic and the precursor to my first major tumble into anorexia.
Guess what? I thought my sanity was Ed’s Voice. No no. Seems Ed has duped me into falling for that. I was right. Turned out this kid was suffering from an eating disorder and severe panic/anxiety disorders. So much so that when I recently hung out with him, it felt like he could be triggering. Cherry actually is concerned and thinks he is full on triggering. Have to trust her!
Ironically, just 4 days after being dumped, I had a date with another guy. He moves like molasses but he has been really good for me! Still seeing him: it has been a month. But here is the real shocker: we haven’t had sex!!! Yup!! The Cassie tactic to sleep with them so they fall in love with my sex then me, has not been utilized yet. It actually feels nice. But he is scared to commit yet he panics that I’m going to leave him. Tricky tricky. Cherry thinks he is good for me so we shall see.
I have cried many tears due to my job. It has made me question myself but my integrity for continuously allowing myself to put up with the maltreatment I have. Very trying.
Speaking of trying… It seems I have slipped the past few weeks. Ed has the control and I started slowly looping back into restricting again. I am also public of the damn bell peppers! SO frustrating.
A couple of weeks ago I had 3 back to back appointments. Now normally I would have had pure black out panic over this but thank you meds for doing your thang!
I interviewed for group DBT. Cherry thinks it would be helpful since I flat out refuse to do the group meals. Talk about judgment— hi I’m Cassie I am anorexic and yes I look like a cow because my body starved too long. No dice. So this is the next best thing.
I was convinced during the interview that I was either a) not crazy enough or b) too effed up with not enough progress to participate. Ps the group is all female—yaaaa I don’t do females well. Ohhhh exposure time!
Well I was invited to start that. So that actually begins very very soon. This means I am going to IOP 3 times a week. Damn I am much worse than I realize. Sometimes Ed plays in my head that I am perfectly fine. Then my schedule flashes before my eyes. Nope.
My life for 12 weeks will literally be therapy and work.
I registered for a cake decorating course with my mom. An opportunity for food exposure, trying to control food into something beautiful, and a way to try and connect with my mom because I think that that might help her see how severe my issues are. The first class all I did was panic. I learned quickly and wear gloves now. ;] turns out I am pretty good and artistic at making fondant flowers! My mom is loving the class! Win! Our final is this Monday.
I bought, and wore, jean shorts for the first time in 10 years. Ya call it a huge step. Wearing thongs was huge last year; now shorts. I also wore them in public! Devastating and hard but managed.
I also went to a concert. That was major for me. My sister took me. She has never openly acknowledged my eating disorder or my struggles. But she talked me through expectations, game plans, etc; drove us; and bought seats on an aisle–because she knew my fears and wanted to demonstrate my realness.
We talked about my potential needs for Ativan and assessing if I would while there. I did not need it. Granted the first 30 minutes there was sheer anxiety and panic attack, according to Cherry I had “prolonged exposure” so after the first singer was off stage, I actually let go and had an amazing time. I enjoyed myself.
Now Cherry is looking up more concerts for me to go to to continue that social phobia exposure… Cool?
While all in all my exposures are killing it [sat in a Starbucks, by myself, and read for an hour], there are still some downfalls. The eating. But more importantly what I have been feeling for 24 hours now.
I have this feeling inside me; calling to me. I guess it is a feeling because it is a strong pull. I think it is Ed’s Voice but less recognizable because of the meds. I just feel like I need to let go; to give into the crazy. By crazy I mean psychosis. To let myself give in. I am not sure if it’s mania or hypomania or what; but I know it feels good. Like Cassie on Skins good. That’s what calls to me: the trigger music and trigger shows. I want them, scratch that, have the compelling feeling of needing that. But I am pretty positive it is Ed’s Voice… Ed’s Voice missing me.
I have not given in yet. To the “letting go” Ed beckons for.
But I stepped on a scale today. And I am up 10 pounds. I know I did it at night and actually ate today so the weight could be easily off. That I should wait until tomorrow am to reassess. Yet Ed’s Voice is laughing at me; telling me “I told you so, fatty.” Son of a biscuit.
Must stay strong, right?
I mean my birthday is in 2 weeks. That is daunting in it’s own right. And enough for a separate post.