Archive | June 2014

Taking the Plunge

I am biting the bullet. I am taking the plunge. I am going to start dancing again.

I still hear Ed’s voice whispering to me. Saying how I will be too fat to dance. That there is no way I will be as good as I was I even close.

This is why I haven’t danced in years. Fear of failure at something I was once one of the best at. Fear of being too fat for a dancer. Fear of that pain.

But after listening to this current guy I am dating talk about how he loves taking ballroom, I have the yearn.

Then yesterday, someone I used to dance with sent me a Facebook invite for her Dance Company.

I said I would participate without looking at it.

I went back today and looked. She is opening her first studio. I am so proud of her. She is also offering adult classes.

Intrigue.

It’s a sign. It’s time to bite the bullet. To take the plunge.

I contacted her and she is ecstatic I am joining up at her studio. She wants me to compete. I told her I haven’t danced in a decade since a car accident. She still thinks I can compete and handle the advanced classes.

I’m going to start in the beginner and work my way up as needed.

The real debate? Can I handle two dance classes a week?

But I am going to do it. I am so scared and nervous. It starts next week. And I am waaay fatter than I was then. But shuck it I am doing it!!

Just keep reminding me I can do this. That Ed can shut up and is wrong.

That is the real battle. Turning off or tuning out Ed’s Voice.

Ed’s Voice on Online Dating: Pick a Box

The following is an excerpt courtesy of Ed’s Voice. It was composed in December 2013.

Backstory: I had been attempting the online dating for about a year at this point in time. I had hit a point where I was very angry at the whole dating scene. I had been forced into online dating because I am in no location that allows for dating–except for married or engaged doctors who are looking to cheat on their wives and had openly told me so. I was also very tired of being judged as a person based on my “shape.”  I am pretty sure most of you who read this can relate.

 

I will never be able to do online dating–not without relapsing.

I fear judgement. I fear judgement and that is all that it [online dating] is. Why do you have to know my body shape? It does not tell you what I have been through; my struggles. It does not tell you my moral stances; the lives I have saved. I am still trying to see how my body shape shows men that I have several degrees, love to laugh, rock the bedroom, am caring and compassionate.  Because apparently my body is not saying that. It somehow says exactly who I am as a person *attempted sarcasm*. It doesn’t determine or say anything about me, me as a person.

 

But society thinks so.

 

So, pick a box.

 

The options? Heavily negative for women; very positive for men. Biased? Huh.

 

So, pick a box.

 

Okay. Here are my choices: thin. overweight. skinny. average. fit. athletic. jacked. a little extra. curvy. full figured. used up.

 

Okay when I was at my lowest weight at the peak of my anorexia, I still had cellulite and curves because my bone structure leaves me with a pear shape. So yea I am curvy. But yet everyone still thinks curvy is less than full figured [fat] and more than average. Which, by the way, average is apparently deemed to be fat because I see many people on these sites choosing average and the last time I checked “average” did not mean 100lbs overweight.

 

But why does this even matter?!?!

 

So, pick a box.

 

Where’s the one that says:

I am anorexic—have been since I was a teen. There are indicators that I have been my whole life but it was at its worst when I was a teen.  After starving myself for many years my body saw starvation like the children in Africa—when I relapsed, I starved myself and my body knew better—so it stored all as fat also like the children in Africa when re-fed. I gained weight. I starved myself more. I kept gaining weight even though I hardly ate most recently went a whole 3 months without more than 4 snacks during that course of time. But now I’m in recovery and healthily losing weight… because I’m not starving. I lost 65 pounds in a matter of 3 months of refeeding.

That’s the shape descriptor I need.

 

Yet no one will understand.

 

Or care to try to.

 

They see fat chick and think “lazy, bad person.”

 

Not “she’s battling anorexia and her body fought back.”

 

I’ve been killing myself and all they think is “fat and lazy.”

 

And the Points Go To…

Today I went on a date.

A big deal since last weekend my exdatee was texting me how I was fat, worthless, and ugly. Yaaa I ended it the week before because I realized I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It was hard to do because Ed’s Voice kept telling me that was what I was worth and I deserved.

Those thoughts and Ed’s Voice swirling in my head. I headed to this date feeling fat [sorry I do think fat is a feeling] and ugly. I figured this guy would be like ewww.

Surprisingly, he was attracted to my personality. First time that’s happened for me!! One point Cassie! None to Ed’s Voice!!

I left the date unsure of what would come from it. Whether or not he would want to meet again.

I felt like he would think I was too fat. That if I was skinnier I would be gorgeous.

Or creeped out by my lack of appetite.

We went to a new restaurant for me. I survived! I had hummus. But I only are half. He was worried that I did not eat enough as in it was not enough for me. Shit.

But he wasn’t. :]

Needless to say, we have a date, non-food date, in a week. He really likes me as a person.

Feels awesome.

But I wish I felt pretty or sexy or desirable again. This is why I jump into bed so fast–that’s where I get those feelings. But I won’t. I’ll be a good girl. Fight Ed whispering to me that if he doesn’t bone me soon I’m too ugly and not lovable.

I am proud of myself, though. All this practice of see the thought, observe it, watch it go by, poof it’s gone from Cherry really helped.

Getting better at talking myself out of negative spirals and letting Ed’s voice dominate.

Not holding my breath. He is still a man. And I still don’t love myself.

It just makes my friends and parents happy.

That’s what matters, right?

Ed Does Group Therapy

Group therapy….

Wow. This was my third week in attendance. And tomorrow will be the third day I tell Cherry that I really don’t want to go to Group.

As if being in a room full of women is not bad enough, it seems that there are 2 anorexics, 2 bulimics, and 2 EDNOS in addition to me there.

I was told that I’d be one of maybe 2 present with an eating disorder. That was all lies.

The worst part is this is really triggering!! Why? Oh because yes I have anorexia and suffer like the girl and lady. But they are bouncing back from visible emaciation where as I am bouncing back from hidden emaciation. My body was shutting down underneath my layers of fat.

But I am triggered because I feel like I need to prove that I have the same struggles and that I am anorexic as well. Ed’s Voice is ringing in my ears louder and louder every time I go to these meetings from this!

Ed is feeding off of this! Growing plump and stronger.

And here is Cherry trying to tell me to try and learn from them.

Ya I’m learning right. Learning to turn on Ed’s Voice as an audible guide.

See I am not stimulated in these groups. I’m sooo bored. The stuff I need to learn? Oh it’s not till the end of the 12 weeks. -_-

I have found myself assisting the therapist [we will call her Athena Warrior Princess] teaching the class because her two assistants suck. Their teaching is having us read. They are more focused on leading and impressing Athena that they never heard or answered my questions.

So what is the point?

I could learn how to cope with the triggers that are presented in group.
I could learn better examples and application via other group members’ experiences.
I could learn how to fake it some more.
I have noticed that I seem to be some sort of support for 3 people in Group–they look for me and always seek my approval (who knows why).
I am learning to not take initiative to lead when others suck at leading—this is hard!!
I do not have to go to an eating disorder only group or meal time. Oh wait, at this point it seems Cherry and Athena conned me into this.

I know this. Emotion regulation is not my problem. Learning that my emotions are valid/true and validating my thoughts of them. That’s the participatory I need.

No more one mindfulness please.

No more what is anger and rage please.

How about more shut the front door up, Ed’s Voice and society. My feelings are right so deal.

I need to learn that. To be okay with my feelings since everyone tells me I am not allowed to feel.

I do not think I am going to get that here.

But then again, the alternative is eating with other people with eating disorders.

It’s My Birthday [Week] and I Cried and Didn’t Want To

I have cried so much the last few days that I have reached the point of numbness.

I am okay with Ed’s Voice running. I am okay watching Skins UK and being triggered. I do keep eating; just minimally. Sticking to the shakes.

To be a mopey person:
*my “boyfriend” told me it is just a birthday and I am selfish. Well, he said a lot of inappropriate verbally and emotionally a beige things to me. I finally caught on tonight and ended it with him. Sooo hard to do. But when you have no self worth, having someone who cares about you remind you why you’re nothing

I am not so sure why it’s so horrible for me to want to be validated. Validated as a human being.

*my sisters all forgot my birthday. I sent every single one of them boxes of gifts and food baskets for theirs. Not even a Facebook wall post.

*majority of my friends forgot as well.

*I always ensure potlucks and parties at work for all my coworkers on their birthdays. Mine comes and not much acknowledgement outside of “oh ya”–no wishes nothing. Why do I keep throwing parties, spending my money, on people who are entitled and do not even reciprocate it? I feel like a horrible person for expecting the. To recognize my birthday after all I do for them. But is it truly bad? Ed’s Voice says yes and to starve.

It is really hard to fight Ed’s Voice when these outside external cues are matching up with internal Ed’s Voice.

I am worthless. I am hopeless. I am not lovable because on my birthday I am not even loved. I am not valid in my thoughts and being–only valid in Ed’s Voice.

The worst part is I can feel the cry, ya know, in the back of my throat? Tearing up in my eyes? But I am so tired and numb it never surfaces.

And in reality, the treatment the past week that I have received is just so fucked up. It really is. But only my therapist seems to validate that.

Cheers to Cherry, who validated me on my birthday and made me cry because she was the only active person in my life to validate my existence. On my one day of the year.

Fuck birthdays. You get older. You realized nothing has changed. And you are reminded how much you sacrifice for nothing in return.

My Last Post At This Age

Tomorrow is my birthday. That in itself is a trigger. But I am really hoping this year will be much different. This week I have thought a lot about the last year.

While I feel like nothing has changed at all, a lot has changed at the same time.

I have lost a significant amount of weight—healthily. I have amazing friends who have been ever so supportive of me on this journey. I am eating! I am getting the help I need. My parents are finally coming around to my issues. I went to a concert!

I am dating and still abstaining from sex even though I have been with this guy for 1.5 months! That’s huge for me.

I am really hoping this year will turn around even more and bring me even better things. So far I know it will: keeping with two times a week with Cherry and one day a week of group therapy. I am getting the help I need.

I am hoping my romantic relationship might be something sustainable. I am hoping to finally get a job in my trained field and to leave the one that currently makes me want to relapse. I am hoping to have the strength to stand up for myself. I hope to not prematurely end relationships yet at the same time end toxic ones immediately without hesitation. I hope to find exercise as a joyous relaxation and not a have to for weight loss. I hope to get another pet rat to love on. I hope to declutter my life. I hope to be genuinely happy. I hope to eat more foods and be a real vegetarian–not a Cassietarian. I hope to make myself proud. I hope to end the comfortable bad behaviors such as restricting, starving, fat pinching, fat carving, and fat grabbing.

But mainly get another job, lose more weight, and be strong enough on my own. 😀

Here is to another year: I enter it tear free, for once. Focusing on the positives and taking care of myself more. Alright, Cassie. To another year of life. You’ve made it this far; your track record is good thus far.

Happy birthday to me.