I have cried so much the last few days that I have reached the point of numbness.
I am okay with Ed’s Voice running. I am okay watching Skins UK and being triggered. I do keep eating; just minimally. Sticking to the shakes.
To be a mopey person:
*my “boyfriend” told me it is just a birthday and I am selfish. Well, he said a lot of inappropriate verbally and emotionally a beige things to me. I finally caught on tonight and ended it with him. Sooo hard to do. But when you have no self worth, having someone who cares about you remind you why you’re nothing
I am not so sure why it’s so horrible for me to want to be validated. Validated as a human being.
*my sisters all forgot my birthday. I sent every single one of them boxes of gifts and food baskets for theirs. Not even a Facebook wall post.
*majority of my friends forgot as well.
*I always ensure potlucks and parties at work for all my coworkers on their birthdays. Mine comes and not much acknowledgement outside of “oh ya”–no wishes nothing. Why do I keep throwing parties, spending my money, on people who are entitled and do not even reciprocate it? I feel like a horrible person for expecting the. To recognize my birthday after all I do for them. But is it truly bad? Ed’s Voice says yes and to starve.
It is really hard to fight Ed’s Voice when these outside external cues are matching up with internal Ed’s Voice.
I am worthless. I am hopeless. I am not lovable because on my birthday I am not even loved. I am not valid in my thoughts and being–only valid in Ed’s Voice.
The worst part is I can feel the cry, ya know, in the back of my throat? Tearing up in my eyes? But I am so tired and numb it never surfaces.
And in reality, the treatment the past week that I have received is just so fucked up. It really is. But only my therapist seems to validate that.
Cheers to Cherry, who validated me on my birthday and made me cry because she was the only active person in my life to validate my existence. On my one day of the year.
Fuck birthdays. You get older. You realized nothing has changed. And you are reminded how much you sacrifice for nothing in return.