Today I went on a date.
A big deal since last weekend my exdatee was texting me how I was fat, worthless, and ugly. Yaaa I ended it the week before because I realized I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It was hard to do because Ed’s Voice kept telling me that was what I was worth and I deserved.
Those thoughts and Ed’s Voice swirling in my head. I headed to this date feeling fat [sorry I do think fat is a feeling] and ugly. I figured this guy would be like ewww.
Surprisingly, he was attracted to my personality. First time that’s happened for me!! One point Cassie! None to Ed’s Voice!!
I left the date unsure of what would come from it. Whether or not he would want to meet again.
I felt like he would think I was too fat. That if I was skinnier I would be gorgeous.
Or creeped out by my lack of appetite.
We went to a new restaurant for me. I survived! I had hummus. But I only are half. He was worried that I did not eat enough as in it was not enough for me. Shit.
But he wasn’t. :]
Needless to say, we have a date, non-food date, in a week. He really likes me as a person.
But I wish I felt pretty or sexy or desirable again. This is why I jump into bed so fast–that’s where I get those feelings. But I won’t. I’ll be a good girl. Fight Ed whispering to me that if he doesn’t bone me soon I’m too ugly and not lovable.
I am proud of myself, though. All this practice of see the thought, observe it, watch it go by, poof it’s gone from Cherry really helped.
Getting better at talking myself out of negative spirals and letting Ed’s voice dominate.
Not holding my breath. He is still a man. And I still don’t love myself.
It just makes my friends and parents happy.
That’s what matters, right?