Wow. This was my third week in attendance. And tomorrow will be the third day I tell Cherry that I really don’t want to go to Group.
As if being in a room full of women is not bad enough, it seems that there are 2 anorexics, 2 bulimics, and 2 EDNOS in addition to me there.
I was told that I’d be one of maybe 2 present with an eating disorder. That was all lies.
The worst part is this is really triggering!! Why? Oh because yes I have anorexia and suffer like the girl and lady. But they are bouncing back from visible emaciation where as I am bouncing back from hidden emaciation. My body was shutting down underneath my layers of fat.
But I am triggered because I feel like I need to prove that I have the same struggles and that I am anorexic as well. Ed’s Voice is ringing in my ears louder and louder every time I go to these meetings from this!
Ed is feeding off of this! Growing plump and stronger.
And here is Cherry trying to tell me to try and learn from them.
Ya I’m learning right. Learning to turn on Ed’s Voice as an audible guide.
See I am not stimulated in these groups. I’m sooo bored. The stuff I need to learn? Oh it’s not till the end of the 12 weeks. -_-
I have found myself assisting the therapist [we will call her Athena Warrior Princess] teaching the class because her two assistants suck. Their teaching is having us read. They are more focused on leading and impressing Athena that they never heard or answered my questions.
So what is the point?
I could learn how to cope with the triggers that are presented in group.
I could learn better examples and application via other group members’ experiences.
I could learn how to fake it some more.
I have noticed that I seem to be some sort of support for 3 people in Group–they look for me and always seek my approval (who knows why).
I am learning to not take initiative to lead when others suck at leading—this is hard!!
do not have to go to an eating disorder only group or meal time. Oh wait, at this point it seems Cherry and Athena conned me into this.
I know this. Emotion regulation is not my problem. Learning that my emotions are valid/true and validating my thoughts of them. That’s the participatory I need.
No more one mindfulness please.
No more what is anger and rage please.
How about more shut the front door up, Ed’s Voice and society. My feelings are right so deal.
I need to learn that. To be okay with my feelings since everyone tells me I am not allowed to feel.
I do not think I am going to get that here.
But then again, the alternative is eating with other people with eating disorders.