Archive | August 2014

Playing on Repeat

It’s been two days. Two days since the incident.

I was out with Cindy and her infant. We went for froyo. It was the first time I had seen her in 3 weeks. It was a few days after telling her how I had originally decided two weeks before I was going to kill myself. I resolved not to because I just felt too selfish and cowardly. The main reason I wanted to do it was to make a point since I had relapsed and no one had noticed. And no one had noticed that for the first time since high school I was going to kill myself. I mean with anorexia I just let Ed’s voice take over and let the road of starvation try and take me. But this was more resolute and more in my power. No I had no idea what I was going to do but I sure was set on it.

I had tried to refocus after that. Focusing on dancing again. On making myself happy. Being ok and noticing I am losing weight and toning up.

Then it happened.

We were walking when a man, smoking, in a wheelchair hollers at us. He looks at me and asks if it’s my baby. I mean, hello, if it was would I let Cindy wear him?! Weird. So instinctively, I moved in between him and her. He wanted to see the baby. Well anyways, he proceeds to turn to me and state–mind you I cannot make this shit up because this is real life and people are just this cruel–you know I can tell you how to lose weight.

I died on the inside. Well. What was left. And even though he is a wheelchair bound smoking random asshole on the street, Ed leeched on and I cannot stop hearing it and thinking it and seeing his face.

What ever makes it ok to tell someone that you can help them lose weight. I did not ask for it. I did not indicate this need. What in any sane mind would ever make it socially acceptable to say that to anyone?!

Why is it I am nothing but kind to people–everyone I interact with–to be faced with this?! What did I do to deserve random people always telling me I am fat, trying to give me diet advice, telling me how to lose weight. I tell Cherry that I have faced this stuff all my life because I am not the same shape as others around me and it upsets her and I know she doesn’t doubt me but I can see her hesitancy: how can there be that many cruel people in this world?

I really do not think there is any coming back from this one.

I Can Only Get Better

The feelings are still there. The heartbreak. The sadness. The worthlessness. The loss of will. The emptiness. The wonder why no one has noticed. The bruises are fairly apparent.

But I have one last thing I hold on to. Dance.

My escape.

I have been so overwhelmed lately. But on that floor it all disappears.

Last week I upped it to two classes a week–after clearance by Cherry, of course.

I am now doing contemporary and starting jazz.

The latter was not what I expected.

I showed up having messed up my foot the night before in my killer challenging routine. In my contemporary class, there are 3 of us. 2 professionals and me. Ya I hang. And when I think about it I must be damn good to hang with professionals in a new style of class. Just not what I used to be.

Anyways, one of my teammates teaches the jazz class and has been begging me to join. So I did. I showed up ghetto foot and all.

Turns out I was auditioning. The jazz class is a coverup for an underground burlesque dance team. I met some of the girls. They loved me. I loved the routine. I nailed it! I forgot how great I am at jazz!! Burlesque requires facials, performance, seduction. I have all of those. It felt so right.

I made the team. I am competing with an amazing group of ladies. Professionals. So. I guess this means something real. I am a professional. I am a real dancer again. I’ve got this. And I can only get better.

Right? I can only get better?

Happy One Month Anniversary

That boyfriend? He just dumped me. Like two hours ago. Out of nowhere. Heart = broken.

Everything was great.

Here I am again. Stuck at that whole why bother? I am not deserving. I opened up. I let someone in. I gave up control.

He broke my heart.

What is to stop me from fighting Ed’s voice… What is the purpose? Just let go. Just give in.

The power of Mia!


The past few days have been really difficult for me. Mia had me in his grip. The need to be sick has been overwhelming. I knew the minute I woke up today that I would do it. And I did! I set 2 packets of crisps, 2 slices of toast and honey, a bar if chocolate, some cookies and hot chicken sandwich. And then I threw up till I was dizzy! 3 hours later I still have the headache but I can feel that Mia had been satisfied, for now he’s gone. Now there’s room for ana to return and trust me he’s back with a vengeance. But I prefer Ana to Mia, I wish he’d stay instead of being pushed out by Mia! Ana’s easier to satisfy! It’s simple just don’t eat and exercise. Ana wants emptiness and nothingness. Mia wants pain and blood and tears. I hope Mia…

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Grace on the Moon

You may have noticed a trendy new phrase and hash tag popping up a lot lately:  Body Shaming.  It describes the act of speaking or thinking in a way meant to cause shame to someone due to their body size.  It is most commonly used when someone judges another person for being overweight.

As often happens, it is a subject that has gained great traction on the internet.  The web has the ability to unite people from every town and continent in pursuit of leaving comments on blogs, articles, Facebook pages and elsewhere. That can be a great, motivating and powerful connection.  Unfortunately, the net is also often host to some of the most vitriolic, unfeeling judgments cast out by busybodies that the world has ever seen.   I call it “drive-by judging”.

Someone posts a photograph featuring themselves or a person who outweighs your average supermodel by 20 pounds or…

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Being sick with an eating disorder


Today I’m full of flu! I’m overheating, I can’t breathe, I’ve got a cough and a headache. I just want to go back to bed. I’ve got work tonight, three shows!!
Most people lose their appetite when they’re unwell. I’m the same- always have been. But the problem for me is that this is really triggering. Food is out of the question when I’m unwell but in a few days when I feel Physically better my mind will still be well and truly down the rabbit hole! Also my job is very physical and I barely have the strength to stand right now.
Eating disorders make everything more difficult. I need to go back to sleep but my ed keeps telling me that I’ll get fat if I don’t exercise!!!

Bye for now xx

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Throwback Thursday: Treating Anorexia

Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Tucson

I’m introducing another new series at Treating Trauma: Throwback Thursday. However, I’m going to deviate a bit from the common Throwback Thursday (or #TBT) usage to share older posts of mine.

It is amazing what can accumulate in five years of blogging! Older content is hard to access on this site and I truly believe that part of trauma therapy is revisiting key concepts over and over. Stay tuned  for repeats from the Treating Trauma archives on Thursdays and if you have any special requests for topics let me know and I’ll see what I’ve got.

How appropriate to kick this series off by revisiting one of my first posts, a  throwback of its own. Here is an internet chat-based interview of mine on treating anorexia. As an added bonus, it actually does included a dated picture of me in classic #TBT fashion.

Treating Anorexia: The Recovery Process

The internet…

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