It’s been 3 weeks…

Three weeks. It feels like an eternity. I have had a boyfriend for three weeks. We have dated since mid June. But he asked this crazy eating disordered anxiety filled lady to be his and his alone on July 11.

Do you know what has happened in three weeks?

My job actually got worse. Ya turns out if you challenge the universe it will answer.

I relapsed. I find Ed’s Voice louder again and on repeat. I found I have resorted to not eating again. And after waking up in the middle of the night last night to vomit randomly, I have been fighting Ed to not cave and let Ed take over.

I have wished evil and karma unto someone who has been nothing but cruel to me and the world—sidenote she cheated on her fiancé and kept cheating on him when they were married.

I have danced. Felt free and amazing again. Then seen it on video and been nothing but obsessed with how fat I am.

I have felt Ed take over in the middle of eating something right in front of my boyfriend.

I played with puppies. Felt the amazing cuddliness of them. Their puppy love and kisses. Being ambushed by 4 at once. Wanting to take them home. Then remembering I can’t even feed myself.

I have cried. Ugly cried. Break down cry. In front of the boyfriend.

Cindy had her baby! It’s a boy. And that was a lot of anxiety while I waited 24+ hours to hear if she was ok–waiting for her to need me. Turns out she doesn’t. I thought I would be needed in this time but I’m not. My self perception of my value and worth *poof* gone.

I found out someone actually sees my genuineness at work and appreciates it. Amazing feeling.

I have let my boyfriend see me naked. That was extremely scary.

I have self-prophecies and they are ever so damaging. Cherry is trying to reign me in and help me control them.

I tried Cuties.

I am sick.

And he still lavas me. He still sticks around and supports me. He still wants to do whatever he can to help me through this. He wants to be the person I can always rely on and trust to help me when I need it.

He is amazing.

And it scares the hell out of me. I thought I would never be loved. I don’t think I deserve to be loved. I still think I’m not good enough and worthless.

Yet he sees something; he sees me. And he is not scared by Ed and the control of Ed’s voice.

He lavas me. He makes me happy. This shit is real.

Three weeks. Three. Weeks.

What happens in your three weeks?

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4 thoughts on “It’s been 3 weeks…

  1. I started seeing someone a week ago and I am terrified. I am in a severe restriction phase and I don’t want him derailing that. He keeps feeding me. Last night on the phone he told me that he had bought me a pizza for tonight when I come over. I don’t know what to do.

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    • It is so difficult! I was having the same issues when he and I started dating. I lucked out that he wanted to do activities. Then, the night before he asked to commit it, I ended up disclosing–not wanting to waste my time. I was very lucky that he is supportive and respectful. It sucks disclosing but I have to know because I don’t want to get attached to an asshole.

      In the past, I have said things like “I love that you have food ready for me–it is sweet that you think of me! I just ate and I feel horrible that you are getting food and I already ate.” This way you get out of eating. And you show you appreciate his thought.

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