Lying in His Arms, Awake…

Ed’s voice took over. I’m not sure how. Somehow it happened. Usually I can feel the decline. I can hear the voice calling to me.

How do I know it’s bad? I feel like all I have done is binge binge binge. Eat eat eat. Yet I was supposed to have my version of a menstrual cycle starting August 1: light spotting for a week. What did I have? One day barely spotted.

I should probably also mention that I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.

Yup. This is me. Being blindsided by Ed’s voice. Ed’s voice has almost full control.

I feel worthless. I feel hopeless. I want to end my relationship because it’s what I deserve.

Eating makes me sick and queasy–it takes ginger ale to get food down… Again.

I have relapsed aaagain.

Besides the struggles and battles in my head, the obvious telltale signs, there is something worse: no one noticed. No one has noticed the change. Yet again.

And I cannot figure out what the triggers were. How did I get here?! How did Ed’s voice gain almost all control?

I’m lying here in my boyfriend’s arms. He is passed out. I’m wide awake. The hypomania started creeping in a few nights ago. My brain is constantly going. Ed’s voice is on repeat.

Thoughts just ruminating. Why am I not good enough? How long until he sees it? How far will I go this time? Will I actually kill myself or will I end up in the hospital this time? Who will notice? Probably Cherry. She seems to be the only one who caught on and cares.

My boyfriend is only catching on to the struggles. He saw the panic attack in Whole Foods. He was supportive through and through.

Yet here I am. In his arms. Lying here. In tears. Pillow wet. And no one has a clue.


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