Playing on Repeat

It’s been two days. Two days since the incident.

I was out with Cindy and her infant. We went for froyo. It was the first time I had seen her in 3 weeks. It was a few days after telling her how I had originally decided two weeks before I was going to kill myself. I resolved not to because I just felt too selfish and cowardly. The main reason I wanted to do it was to make a point since I had relapsed and no one had noticed. And no one had noticed that for the first time since high school I was going to kill myself. I mean with anorexia I just let Ed’s voice take over and let the road of starvation try and take me. But this was more resolute and more in my power. No I had no idea what I was going to do but I sure was set on it.

I had tried to refocus after that. Focusing on dancing again. On making myself happy. Being ok and noticing I am losing weight and toning up.

Then it happened.

We were walking when a man, smoking, in a wheelchair hollers at us. He looks at me and asks if it’s my baby. I mean, hello, if it was would I let Cindy wear him?! Weird. So instinctively, I moved in between him and her. He wanted to see the baby. Well anyways, he proceeds to turn to me and state–mind you I cannot make this shit up because this is real life and people are just this cruel–you know I can tell you how to lose weight.

I died on the inside. Well. What was left. And even though he is a wheelchair bound smoking random asshole on the street, Ed leeched on and I cannot stop hearing it and thinking it and seeing his face.

What ever makes it ok to tell someone that you can help them lose weight. I did not ask for it. I did not indicate this need. What in any sane mind would ever make it socially acceptable to say that to anyone?!

Why is it I am nothing but kind to people–everyone I interact with–to be faced with this?! What did I do to deserve random people always telling me I am fat, trying to give me diet advice, telling me how to lose weight. I tell Cherry that I have faced this stuff all my life because I am not the same shape as others around me and it upsets her and I know she doesn’t doubt me but I can see her hesitancy: how can there be that many cruel people in this world?

I really do not think there is any coming back from this one.


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