Archive | October 2014

Haunted Hell

Oh Halloween.

I never realized that you would be a trigger.

All I keep thinking about is how last year I was still so fearful of being fat and food that I was able to go the whole holiday season without eating any candy or chocolate. It felt amazing to say, “thanks but I don’t eat candy/chocolate” and people look at me utterly impressed.

This year I just feel tempted. I’m not sure why. I’m such a freak!! I bought a bunch of it. And I sit with it next to me. Yup. I literally surround myself with candy and chocolate. But I don’t eat it. Just….sit with it around me.

When people are around, though, I eat it.

And I get angry. It tastes good for a split second. Then it tastes like hell.

This whole week I’ve been triggered and trying to fight. Between sleep deprivation, work stress, and upcoming dance show stress well I have just been feeling fatter than usual. Sprinkle in too many demands and smear it with PMS and BAM we have one over done Cassie.

I found myself already reverting back to liquid diet–only able to drink things or eat ice cream. Fighting sosososo hard to not fall backwards again. But that comfort. The plush excuse and warm blanket. I want it so bad.

And this stupid lack of fall hot weather makes it harder!! I can’t hide in pants and sweaters right now without dying from heat exhaustion!!! I just want to hide my body again!! Apparently that’s too much to ask for.

Well I’ve been sleeping a lot and it seems I got a cold. That’s what I get for burning my candle at both ends. I stayed home tonight and could not even get myself to get up and see the kids in their costumes–too fearful of being around all that candy and chocolate.

So I went to something I could control: cleaning. Just kept cleaning my room. Thankfully this is a never ending project. It took care of the control impulses.

But I still feel like a fat ass. Ed’s voice is on repeat that I ate all this junk food. All I did was look at it–food porn. But Ed’s voice has convinced me somehow that I ate it. In retrospect, I realize I barely ate today. Yet Ed’s voice is on repeat telling me that I binged like an elephant.

What haunted hell.

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All I’ve Got

I know I should post more because it helps me clear my mind to brain dump.

But I feel like I’m not reaching people the way I thought. I thought if have more followers, comments, questions. I thought I’d be helpful.

The past few months have been so. Rocky.

I am 5 weeks in on Round Two of group therapy. This one is actually more beneficial and a lot harder to deal with emotionally. Yay 3 days of work and 3 days of therapy!

On the positive side, I have picked up volunteer activities and have kept with the dance.

The dance has been a huge struggle. I am now in 3 classes and 5 routines for the show. The show is in 2 weeks. I’m freaking the fork out. I pulled out of 3 routines. Two of them are just plain sexually inappropriate. I’m too self conscious for that. The other I just don’t feel good enough.

Ya I’m picking up the routines with ease. I’ve got it. I just don’t feel like I look good enough–aka how I used to look. I love it. I’m sticking with contemporary and lyrical.

My volunteering is phenomenal. I’m working with kids who are post transplant, cancer, ill, etc. I LOVE it! Playing with kids?! Yes please!! Playing with kids and taking their bad time and making it like a normal life? I’m super sold!!

And I’m more excited to be honored to be invited to help throw these kids and their families a Halloween Carnival.

Currently baking 40 cupcakes to decorate for them. I am excited just thinking of the smiles that will come to their faces!!

Yes I haven’t slept in 6 days. Yes I just got my version of my period. Yes I’m weepy because of that. And yes I possibly might not have eaten for 27 hours when I calculated it out until I grabbed Jamba Juice for group today. But as Cherry said as my goal this week, just go with the flow don’t make any firm plans.

Because I keep thinking how lucky I was last year I feared candy so I ate nothing. I want to be there again.

I was fearful of temptation. And mainly because oh yes I’m PMSing so I feel MORE guilty for eating, feel fatter, and am surrounded by this hell.

Here is to focus on the positive. It’s all I’ve got.

Excerpt

This is an excerpt and example of notes to my self of things to tell Cherry.

Just thought it was appropriate so someone could see my train of thought. The rushed reminders of what I have to remember to bring up because I know I will forget. Too much in my head all at once. Things to remember that are crucial for my recovery.

And go:

Stereotyped me as prediabetic. I wonder now if that wasn’t a sign of my anorexia. They assumed I was overweight and family hx of diabetes. Adds to the other signs like amenorrhea, low iron values, erratic test results, pregnancy fears when a virgin.

Like the Mediterranean veggie patties. Ate it two nights in a row. Waaay filling hard to eat just one

Dad joined me in having a veggie pattie with me–I think it’s his silent support

Sick like virus Thursday and Friday. Nausea, dizzy, blegh. Slept a lot.

Bought a lot of foods to expose with.

Finally found the basis for fear of judgment: family.


I might go in more depth on some of these. Any requests from my readers?