Haunted Hell

Oh Halloween.

I never realized that you would be a trigger.

All I keep thinking about is how last year I was still so fearful of being fat and food that I was able to go the whole holiday season without eating any candy or chocolate. It felt amazing to say, “thanks but I don’t eat candy/chocolate” and people look at me utterly impressed.

This year I just feel tempted. I’m not sure why. I’m such a freak!! I bought a bunch of it. And I sit with it next to me. Yup. I literally surround myself with candy and chocolate. But I don’t eat it. Just….sit with it around me.

When people are around, though, I eat it.

And I get angry. It tastes good for a split second. Then it tastes like hell.

This whole week I’ve been triggered and trying to fight. Between sleep deprivation, work stress, and upcoming dance show stress well I have just been feeling fatter than usual. Sprinkle in too many demands and smear it with PMS and BAM we have one over done Cassie.

I found myself already reverting back to liquid diet–only able to drink things or eat ice cream. Fighting sosososo hard to not fall backwards again. But that comfort. The plush excuse and warm blanket. I want it so bad.

And this stupid lack of fall hot weather makes it harder!! I can’t hide in pants and sweaters right now without dying from heat exhaustion!!! I just want to hide my body again!! Apparently that’s too much to ask for.

Well I’ve been sleeping a lot and it seems I got a cold. That’s what I get for burning my candle at both ends. I stayed home tonight and could not even get myself to get up and see the kids in their costumes–too fearful of being around all that candy and chocolate.

So I went to something I could control: cleaning. Just kept cleaning my room. Thankfully this is a never ending project. It took care of the control impulses.

But I still feel like a fat ass. Ed’s voice is on repeat that I ate all this junk food. All I did was look at it–food porn. But Ed’s voice has convinced me somehow that I ate it. In retrospect, I realize I barely ate today. Yet Ed’s voice is on repeat telling me that I binged like an elephant.

What haunted hell.


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