I have just had poor scenario after bad situation lately.
I mean I should be used to this because it’s pattern is very engrained in my lifestyle. But it still sucks.
I had an allergic reaction to the flu shot. It basically crashed my immune system and I got a severe bacterial sinus infection. I have been battling that for a month now. Today I went in to see an ENT specialist. They think it’s masking something more serious. Of course.
That’s just one.
With all the meds I’ve been on I’ve been forced to eat. It’s been horrible. I feel so fat and disgusting. I am also too weak to dance.
So after having taken a week off from life, I attempted to resume my job. While at work last night, tired and fatigued, I stupidly went on Facebook to post something funny that occurred. Great mood. Laughing so hard I cry.
And on my news feed: congratulations to mr and mrs [my ex’s last name].
My exboyfriend of 5 years got married. To the woman that I have prof he cheated on me with for the last 4 months of our relationship. But there is substantial evidence that it was possibly the last year of our relationship. Spending money on her never on me.
I don’t give two ducks about him. I’m not a violent person, but I’m so mad at him if I saw him I’d break his nose and then use his nuts as a punching bag.
But yet when I saw that post by a “friend” I broke down and hard. I ugly cried. Thankfully my savior work friend was there and she just held me. I excused myself and tried to call Cindy but she didn’t answer. Tried my NY bffl and she didn’t pick up. So I cried for another 5 minutes before I got my east coast comfort. She was exactly what I needed: we fat shamed him and her [he told me I was fat but his wife has 150lbs easily on me]. She wouldn’t let me see pictures which is better. But she just listened.
When I gchatted with Cindy all she kept doing was reminding me that I shouldn’t be upset.
I. Don’t. Care. About. Him.
I care that I’m not good enough. That I’m such a good person who couldn’t hurt a fly and the people around me who are cheaters and just hurt people get their happy endings. And I struggle with anorexia. Not my dream job. No boyfriend. No support. For fox sake Cindy is sitting here telling me to not be upset.
All I want is someone to tell me it’s okay to be upset. So I don’t hate myself more than I already do.
I mean how would you feel? Honestly?
Maybe no one gets it because, unlike me, there is no Ed’s voice running rampant inside.
I sent an email to Cherry immediately about the situation.
And then faced more fears because how I feel just doesn’t matter to anyone. I went back to the building. Panic and all. Just internalized it. It’s not safe there to be open about how I feel.
In Cherry’s office within the first ten minutes she handed me a poem. It’s called “Listening” and I will try and find it and share it.
She says she gives it to her ED patients’ parents.
I can see why.
It exactly said what I’ve been trying to say. How I just want someone to listen to me. Not give me advice. Just validate my feelings.
Because right now no one gives two ducks about my feelings or my concerns. It’s just me on my team.
Always has been and it seems always will be.
But, can someone maybe just listen?