Tomorrow is the second Thanksgiving since I’ve been in hardcore recovery.
And it isn’t getting any easier.
Last year, I made the entire dinner. My sister and her boyfriend helped out a little bit. But my mom coached me through making it all.
And let me tell you–in comparison to this year, last year was easier.
This year, I am not making anything. I’m going to try and finagle I to making the corn pudding and yams. But due to my crazy work schedule and the fact that we are going to my cousin/aunt’s house, we have less responsibility.
So let’s do a comparison here:
-Made whole meal
-Felt more in control
-Exposure times a million: touching foods, interacting with food in front of family, etc.
-Just my parents, sister, and her boyfriend (Bro)
-Comfort of own home
-Able to wear comfort clothes
-Able to lie down right after and cope quietly
-Absolutely no control
-Eating with 12 other people; 4 of which know my situation and I’m comfortable eating in front of
-At my cousin/aunt’s house
-Not my own foods or safe foods
-Every year they all comment on how I should try this and that, mock me for my “picky eating habits” and focus on my food stuff
-Can’t lie down after
OMG I’m getting seriously anxious thinking about this.
I’m not ready for this.
Earlier this week I debated not going because I can’t handle it.
Handle being around all the food. Watching everyone else enjoy while I struggle. Listening to others complain about how “fat” they feel from over eating.
Me staring down a bottle of alcohol to make sure my glass stays full and my head drunk.
I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m so over drinking.
I don’t want to deal with the pressure. And I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.
I may be eating compared to part year, but in comparison this year is going to fail.
Ya I set myself up by having prime opportunities last year and trying tons of new foods. That won’t happen this year. And I still don’t have the support I need. And I really don’t want a bottle of alcohol to be my support.
I can’t even think of something I’m grateful for.
Being alive? When I want to not be? For surviving with anorexia? Ha right. For the job that pays my bills but perpetuates my self loathing, stress, and anxiety? For my support system–oh wait. For the boyfriend I don’t have?
The one I did come up with that will throw everyone off of my struggles–grateful for my opportunity to volunteer with sick kids.
Happy Thanksgiving to those who don’t suffer. It’s the one day you don’t realize that you suffer feelings those of us with eating disorders suffer on a daily basis.
Feelings of fat, full, tiredness after eating, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, bingeing (whether or not we actually do), self hate, spite, self loathing, guilt.
So really, Happy Unrecognized Walk in the Shoes of Someone with ED Day!!
Solidarity my sisters and brothers!