Archive | January 2015


Fat Ballerina

Connections & Relationship between Anxiety and Eating Disorders

Often, it is the case that anxiety precedes an eating disorder. In struggling with severe anxiety, for instance, being able to control the aspect of one’s life, such as food, weight, and exercise, indirectly gives the suffer a false sense of control, which can temporarily relieve symptoms experienced due to anxiety. Now the man or woman has a dual diagnosis of an eating disorder and anxiety. These learned behaviors however, can inadvertently lead to the development of an eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.

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Black Time

There is a time every year I am extremely fearful of. It is a time that I call my black time while others call it Hell Week. See, for me, it is more than 7 days.

I am already getting anxious and antsy; knowing the arrival is creeping up brings on the palpitations.

Effective February 4(ish) until February 19, I hate the world. I try to hide from everyone and everything.

Strangely enough, this has started earlier this year. I would say it started on Monday.

This time, every year, something bad has happened. From being dumped to finding out I was cheated on to some dying, this time frame just plain sucks.

I have never had a cutesy, pleasant Valentine’s Day. My boyfriends were assholes.

I take it back. One year, 2013, the year of the ultimate relapse, I had the best Valentine’s of my life. My best friend bought me the pink Disney Princess Build a Bear. Her husband bought me 2 dozen rainbow roses. The guy who took my revirginity (and knew my checkered holiday past) sent me chocolate covered strawberries. My parents bought me my favorite See’s candies. This was all done out of pity. But it was still amazing. I was in acute organ failure and yet this memory just stands out.

But every other one. Horrid.

One would think that I’d be happy this year: the guy I have been seeing for a little over a month is still pretty solid. Things are going really well with him. But I can’t help but think everything seems to change around that one damn day.

Is it self sabotage? Is it freakish coincidence?

I’m not sure.

All I know is I hate it.

I wish it were like when we were kids: Hallmark holiday. There was no pressure. There was candy flowing and pink everything! Hearts everywhere! It was okay to say you loved everyone. Decorations and crafts galore. Glitter!!

That is what I try to recreate. But still with dating it’s so awkward. Everything is already overanalyzed. I can’t be me and do what I normally do: cutesy card, stickers, candy, and pink!! Telling him I care about him.

It just comes off all wrong. Then that is self sabotage.

I don’t let anyone into my life unless I genuinely care about them. I tell everyone special to me I love them and deeply care constantly. I’m sure this comes from my lack of receiving it growing up–overcompensating for what I never had. I always want to show my appreciation. Some need it, others love it, then a handful flip out and take it the wrong way. Screw the latter.

Did I also mention during this time frame my long term ex and I have broken up twice (for good in 2012) and his birthday is shortly after Valentine’s Day? That just adds to black time. A reminder of my failures. My ability to keep bad things in my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved.

It is my dark time. I try to avoid anyone and everything. It is my time to reflect and lick my wounds. I am entitled to that.

This year I will try and pamper myself: wax, haircut, maybe hair dye, maybe nails done, maybe a massage. Buy myself a nice meal. Maybe escape the world and go to my favorite place for the day. My new therapist said that these are all good things to help keep me on track with dealing with Ed’s Voice, who is in full force, but to also help me take care of me. I do forget to take care of me.

Does anyone else have such a horrid time around Valentine’s? I can’t be the only one.


Today, the team officially expanded.

I still do not know how I feel about this.

Cherry just felt like I needed more and she couldn’t give it to me so now I will see a DBT Personal Therapist. Since I just met her today with Cherry, no name has been determined yet. I then had my check-in appointment with Athena regarding group. It was not easy considering the outstanding beef we had to cook, but that was dealt with.

It feels weird that my team now consists of 4 people 5 people now. 5 people to my one person.

This was my biggest concern when Cherry decided to outsource. Am I so fucked up and lost cause-y that I require more and more team members?

The impression I am getting from Cherry is that I have “recovered” enough that it is time to fine tune things. Before it was focus on eating and dealing with crisis intervention. Now that the crisis period has passed, it is focus on dealing with factors.

As I learned in conference today, there are layers to DBT. Now I am working on the 2nd and 3rd layers. First layer is something like self harm and suicidal issues. Second is things that aren’t good in regards to like bad patterns of behavior. Third is something like living a life worth living.

I really don’t think the new one knew what she was getting into.

On the plus side, still have managed to weasel out of food group eating, dietician, and a nutritionist. Score!!

Thankfully, I have a few weeks to adjust to the newest Team Cassie member before I start group up again. It would be beyond overwhelming to cope with all of that new in-depth, personal change at once.