Black Time

There is a time every year I am extremely fearful of. It is a time that I call my black time while others call it Hell Week. See, for me, it is more than 7 days.

I am already getting anxious and antsy; knowing the arrival is creeping up brings on the palpitations.

Effective February 4(ish) until February 19, I hate the world. I try to hide from everyone and everything.

Strangely enough, this has started earlier this year. I would say it started on Monday.

This time, every year, something bad has happened. From being dumped to finding out I was cheated on to some dying, this time frame just plain sucks.

I have never had a cutesy, pleasant Valentine’s Day. My boyfriends were assholes.

I take it back. One year, 2013, the year of the ultimate relapse, I had the best Valentine’s of my life. My best friend bought me the pink Disney Princess Build a Bear. Her husband bought me 2 dozen rainbow roses. The guy who took my revirginity (and knew my checkered holiday past) sent me chocolate covered strawberries. My parents bought me my favorite See’s candies. This was all done out of pity. But it was still amazing. I was in acute organ failure and yet this memory just stands out.

But every other one. Horrid.

One would think that I’d be happy this year: the guy I have been seeing for a little over a month is still pretty solid. Things are going really well with him. But I can’t help but think everything seems to change around that one damn day.

Is it self sabotage? Is it freakish coincidence?

I’m not sure.

All I know is I hate it.

I wish it were like when we were kids: Hallmark holiday. There was no pressure. There was candy flowing and pink everything! Hearts everywhere! It was okay to say you loved everyone. Decorations and crafts galore. Glitter!!

That is what I try to recreate. But still with dating it’s so awkward. Everything is already overanalyzed. I can’t be me and do what I normally do: cutesy card, stickers, candy, and pink!! Telling him I care about him.

It just comes off all wrong. Then that is self sabotage.

I don’t let anyone into my life unless I genuinely care about them. I tell everyone special to me I love them and deeply care constantly. I’m sure this comes from my lack of receiving it growing up–overcompensating for what I never had. I always want to show my appreciation. Some need it, others love it, then a handful flip out and take it the wrong way. Screw the latter.

Did I also mention during this time frame my long term ex and I have broken up twice (for good in 2012) and his birthday is shortly after Valentine’s Day? That just adds to black time. A reminder of my failures. My ability to keep bad things in my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved.

It is my dark time. I try to avoid anyone and everything. It is my time to reflect and lick my wounds. I am entitled to that.

This year I will try and pamper myself: wax, haircut, maybe hair dye, maybe nails done, maybe a massage. Buy myself a nice meal. Maybe escape the world and go to my favorite place for the day. My new therapist said that these are all good things to help keep me on track with dealing with Ed’s Voice, who is in full force, but to also help me take care of me. I do forget to take care of me.

Does anyone else have such a horrid time around Valentine’s? I can’t be the only one.

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