Archive | February 2015

History Repeating?

“Do any of your friends know about me, that you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes. [Best friend #1] knows you’re my girlfriend.”

“What about [best friend #2]? Does he know about me?”

*hesitates*

“He knows we have been dating since December…”

“And does [best friend #3]?”

“Yessss. Also that we are dating.”

“I see. Your sister?”

“No.”

“Your parents?!”

“No…”

“I see… Why not *hurt*”

“I don’t tell my family until it’s been awhile.”

“How long is that?”

“Six months.”

“Oh…” *pause* “Why not?”

“Because we don’t talk about that stuff. I don’t tell them I’m dating until then.” *rushes* “But you know my friends know so that’s good!”

Is history repeating itself? Am I going down the same path as I have before? I finally change my dating habits and is it just going to return back to the same?

My long term exboyfriend and I had this issue. It was the main reason I ended it with him. He was always a part of my family: phone calls, events, bonding. I wanted to be the same but he always had an excuse. I met his family 1.5years into our relationship. It was the only time I met them or communicated with them…during our 5 year relationship. 

My parents begged me to end it with him. Told them I deserved to be bragged about. Deserved better.

So here I am. Not even 14hours later. Do I talk to him about it? Do I just end it? I deserve to be with a man who is proud to bring me home to his parents. Who tells them he is dating me but will introduce me a bit later. 

Is it guilt? Is it because not even seven months ago he was still “living” with his ex even though she was on the other side of the country? Because he has moved on and maybe they haven’t?

I’m tired of competing with ghosts. But I am more tired of not being good enough. Good enough to be a part of his family.

Is history repeating itself? Can I even handle this again?

Another Fight

Another fight against Ed’s voice.

I am at my sisters’ place. It is a mansion. A beautiful modern mansion. It is my paradise. I love coming here.

The problem is a habit I developed over the years: I was never here alone.

I used boy after guy after bro to keep me from being alone.

Being alone means I have to put up with Ed’s voice and we all know how I do with that. So I take a male companion, have crazy sex in my favorite paradise, lose or numb Ed’s voice temporarily, don’t feel numb, boom. 

I have an amazing boyfriend. I really care about him and enjoy his company. He is amazingly supportive and nonjudgmental. He is unable to join me here until the weekend. Not a problem.

Well Ed’s voice begs to differ. My mind keeps wandering to “ok who do I know is a good lay, would be willing to come here, and will take my mind away.” This is horrible! Immediately after these thoughts pop up, my next thoughts are “Cassie you have a boyfriend don’t forget don’t cheat or hurt him don’t screw this up!” Ya mainly the last one.

Ed’s voice plays loud and clear; seducing me with sex and thoughts of actions for validation. 

But I really don’t want to screw this up! I really care about him! He is also becoming a best friend! 

Here is Ed reminding me, well maybe you have these thoughts because you really don’t like him.

But I do! He may not be the physical shape I had expected I would be with, but he is becoming a best friend and I love him as a person!

Well maybe you should remember how at dance you watched one hip hop instructor and wanted to immediately bang him. Now this? Now you are scrolling through past partners to join you? Come on Cassie. Old habits die hard. You will ruin this. If not, I will just come back harder reminding you what you look like and how your body is massive compared to his. How can you forget you will never be loved, you aren’t meant to get married.

Well Ed you do know me and that is a thought I do hold true: I don’t deserve love–to be loved, hold love, be loved in return. Maybe I should end it before I get attached more…today is our one month anniversary. Last one ended a week before that. It’s about time he will be sick of me and end it.be in control: beat him to it.

Cherry and even Athena keep reminding me that I will have thoughts. These thoughts will just keep happening. You can’t control your thoughts. Ever.

But you can control how you respond to them.

I learned this and have relearned it over the past few years (yup my 2 year anniversary is approaching). To treat my thoughts like a conveyor belt: have a thought, see the thought, don’t judge the thought, just let it keep going on the conveyor belt.

It’s weird that what I was craving earlier was someone like a sponsor in Alchoholics Anon. Someone I could call and just talk it out. Cindy is being a princess right now and I really don’t know where we stand. Erin and I haven’t talked since last year but I’ll see her tomorrow. It better be good since I sacrificed the one night to see my boyfriend and it turns out he is off to another country for work for a week.

Maybe that’s why Ed is winning. I’m so fearful that my boyfriend will go on his trip for work, think, and come back and dump me. Like have some epiphany and be over it; over us. Like he will finally decide that he doesn’t care about me because I haven’t hid who I am this whole time, I hate being vulnerable like this!!  I’m so scared of that. Why not let Ed have some satisfaction and just sabotage now? 

I digressed. I really needed to be able to call someone and talk. It would help fight Ed’s voice and help me bring myself back to wise mind. Oh yes Athena you would be proud! 

Opposite action, distraction, whatever distress tolerance tactic I take–I still don’t have anyone I can call in a crisis like this and talk to. Help remind me of my goals and to fight Ed’s voice.

And that makes me feel lonely.

Whop. Just came full circle. 

Fighting the lonely.

What Eating disorders are Really About – This Resonates

Spot on. This is Ed’s voice. This is why the battle is so difficult. Why people do not understand why we don’t want to give it up; the only consistent thing in our lives.

a2eternity

“It’s not about food or weight…It’s about feeling unsafe in the world. It’s about feeling like we can’t trust anyone, not even ourselves. The Eating Disorder becomes “the reliable one”.

It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies.

It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop.

It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to…

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Needed: Male Anorexics for Research Study

a2eternity

There’s a research study going on right now that needs adult males with a history of anorexia. If you are one, please go to http://neda.force.com/referrals?id=a024000000FwsZeAAJ

If you know of anyone that fits the criteria, please pass it along. Males with eating disorders are woefully underrepresented in research, treatment, and awareness.

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I Love You; I Miss You

I have started several posts but just am unable to complete. Something else pops up.

A post on Valentine’s Day. One on the infusion experience. One on the Doctor who keeps telling me that I would seriously benefit from the weight loss aspect of a medication. A post on friend evaluation. A post on being able to eat again but now am sick with a cold. A post on the fears of my one month anniversary approaching. A post on group.

But today is more than that. Just 30 minutes ago was the end of a friend’s yahrzeit. He died 3 years ago. He drank and drove. He crashed his car into a pole or maybe it was a tree. He died instantaneously and his precious car went up in flames. Thankfully no one else was there or hurt.

But this does not diminish the loss I still feel. How I still think about him. How I still cry. How I found out he had died. My long term ex should have told me; we had broken up for good 12 days earlier. But he still didn’t because he is a selfish cheating asshole.

One of my closest friends died. Someone who knew me in high school. He had his issues. I apparently broke his heart. But he was still so gracious and kind to me over the years; helping me with friends in college. Still hanging out with me and partying with me. When he was intoxicated, he would remind me how I hurt him and sometimes become very angry with me. Yet we still were close.

Close enough that when he kept driving when drunk even when I would take his keys away and he would say things I know he never meant, I told him I loved him and couldn’t be around that anymore. I couldn’t handle it because he was going to hurt someone or kill himself. That I needed to detach myself because I couldn’t handle the hurt again. 

A few months later he did just that. And that detachment that Ed had me so well versed in? It failed. It did not work; I was destroyed. I still am damaged from it. My usual coping mechanism–poof gone! Ed’s voice failed me.

I knew him12 years–he knew about all the other death and loss I suffered. He knew I deeply cared about him, he knew he was important to me. He was the first boyfriend my parents knew about. They met him. He was a great friend. He helped me escape a lot and often over the years.


And I still feel like a horrible person because I feel like I could have done more. But I couldn’t have. Which is why I tried to let go.


So here I am. Still da,aged goods.still reliant on Ed’s voice which still fails me. Still wishing he was still here.


But here marks the end of Cassie’s dark time. 


The yahrzeit candle is burning out. And while his memory stays strong, that candle represents his loss but also the end of my dark times; the return to Cassie’s “normalcy.”


I love you, kid. Hope you are still singing and dancing your heart out. I miss you.

Old Habits Die Hard?

Or so the saying goes.

As I keep mentioning, this is Cassie’s Black Week.

I typically avoid the world. I stay home, sleep, cry, hate everyone, watch my favorite movies and shows, pamper myself.

The pampering started a couple years ago. And it has been a great thing.

This year I have been panicked because I have the boyfriend. Does this mean I stop treating this the way I do because I have someone this year? Do I acknowledge it? What do I do?!

I wasn’t going to pamper myself this year. I figured maybe save it for my birthday in a few months. But after a not so pleasant week last week, and the return of the pain, I decided on modified pampering.

Instead of a week long process, I did one day. That day was today.

I went and got my haircut [don’t get me wrong it was much needed]. I swung by Jamba Juice and picked up two smoothies–lunch, dinner, breakfast–since eating has been too hard. I went home and finished a book. I then went to my first ever massage.

My friends have been urging me to do it for years. I was always worried. I’m too fat. The therapist will be grossed out at home fat I am. They will see my scars. I don’t like being touched because it reminds me of how fat I am; how uncomfortable I am in my skin. I also worried about them jacking up my already chronic back.

But my face hurts. This was a possible solution.

So I tried it.

As I sat in the tranquility room, I realized I had headed here clearly in panic mode: I don’t remember much of getting there at all. I was worried about turning back but I was already in. I was more worried about my back being further injured as well as being too fat.

Oh yes, Cherry, you will be so proud! Exposure therapy!!! Extraordinary!

I went in and was honestly freaked out by the serene music. Nope. Quiet and relaxing is not going to work for me.

I ended up with an amazing therapist!! I walked out and my back AND face didn’t hurt!! I definitely experienced the health benefits for sure!!

My massage was by no means a relaxing one. And I’m ok with that. Honestly!! I know people are always swooning over that Destress aspect. But for me, I walked out an inch taller and with less pain! That in itself is major win!

So I signed up as a member.

If I can walk out there with some knots broken up and tension out, even if it was not zen and relaxing, I am beyond ecstatic. I realized it’s truly what you take home from it!!

I talked most of the time and had a great time!

The beginning was sticky for me: I did feel fat. I felt like I repulsed her when she touched me. I did work through my thoughts–observing them and letting them pass if not talking to them.

This massage was so much more than I expected. It was an exposure. It was a chance for me to deal with some of my body insecurities. It was a chance to take away some of the pain.

I’m glad I did it. My old habit of talking myself out of it, well it did die!! Hahaha

But it gave me confidence.

Before I went, I was having repetitive thoughts from what Cindy’s sister [my hairstylist] had casually mentioned: had I seen what the ex girlfriend looked like? She meant no harm by it at all! Shit we joke about Facebook stalking people all the time.

But I couldn’t get over it. I do want to know what she looks like. I always do. I want to know that I’m prettier and better. But even more so in this circumstance since when we first were dating, he almost dumped me because she decided she wanted him back again.

Nutshell? Things were fab with us. He went home for Christmas and returned her stuff. She wanted to do dinner. He met up with her. She decided she wanted him back [pretty much figured out how much he was making and she’s 25 and still figuring out her life—because she doesn’t work and wants him to take care of her]. She manipulated him.

On a date, he told me he wanted to get back with her because they had history. And I was new. I was the unknown. I was devastated. That was a first for me. Normally I go home and think about why I’m not good enough. But this kid. He is much better than that. He liked me for me. Not for my sex or looks.

I cried and he cried because he made me cry. We talked. I ended it with, she won’t change because she is 25 and doesn’t have to–he is 30 and should know better–she still refuses to move out here so no change–don’t be scared for the unknown because I made that mistake too much–that I was doing a first and giving him 2 months but knew he would be back when he realized she was a mistake. Then I went for broke: I kissed him. He didn’t resist.

Thankfully he chose me. He was scared I didn’t feel the way I did. It all worked out in the end. I was super cautious. But he’s clear he doesn’t regret his decision. I’m here, she’s not. I’m what he wants and have more to offer; more of what he wants.

Thank you for putting me in such a good place!! 😀

But she is a sensitive subject. I don’t know her name. I don’t know what she looks like. I can’t ask because I will look jealous.

He committed to me: something we both agreed we wouldn’t enter unless we saw a future together. He also won’t have sex with someone unless he sees a future together. He has been planning our first night together.

Then there is the whole he treats me really well: emotionally, physically, mentally, fiscally. He’s my kind of perfect.

I digress.

Here I am thinking how I have to know. I went on Facebook and tried to look through his friends and find her. I think I found her. He hasn’t been on his account since November. Nbd. But I think she’s still his fb friend. That shits gonna change.

If it’s her, thankfully she’s not that cute. But it still tore me up. He had contemplated marrying this bitch. I saw the face of the one who almost won. And I felt guilty.

So after the massage, I felt confident for overcoming that fear and working through the exposure.

And he called.

I figured I would t talk to him this week because I was afraid I would sabotage myself. Shit I almost did looking for his ex. Those thoughts… Ed’s voice is killer!!!

I answered. Still fearful. Convinced it would be bad. Hey this week has always been bad! I even told him so in text earlier in the day.

He said he was sad he didn’t get to talk to me much this week or today [text today, first voice since Monday]. he just wanted to hear my voice and say hi.

Yup. I’m glad I answered. I melted. He does that to me. He makes me vulnerable. I hate it!! But he makes me happy and smile.

With him, I want to do it right. I left the sex ball in his court. I’m constantly fighting Ed’s voice. I’m beyond straining against the temptation for self sabotage. He seems worth it. And that’s scary!

But it does prove that old habits don’t die hard. They are hard to fight for sure, but if there is a good enough reason, the fight is worth it and not so hard that it wins.

Jibber Jabber Ed’s Role in the Past Few Days

I had an amazing evening with the boyfriend. There really is something different about him; about us.

Almost too good to be true. I don’t want to sabotage this one. I am fighting the compulsions to do so. Big step.

And yet people keep reminding me he could just end it.

Thanks guys.

He treats me so well. I can’t get over it. He is so supportive of my struggles. Sometimes I don’t know if he even does it intentionally,

For example, like at dinner.

He told me we would eat downtown. He saw a couple of places; I had to pick the style of cuisine. Ok, Italian. I thought I was off the hook. We keep walking. “Ok Cassie, which restaurant–a or b?” Shit. I try to throw it back to him. His stubbornness pays off. Why do I have to choose?! “It’s ok! No pressure! We have all night.” Fine I pick b. My bullshit rationales are getting shorter because he really doesn’t care–I don’t have to explain why I chose what I did. We walk up to the restaurant holding hands and he slightly tugs on me over to the displayed menus. “Do you want to look at the menu before we go in?” As in to make sure I’m comfortable eating there, so darn sweet! Nope, I’m ok I know I’ll be happy here. I even decided I might try a new food. Because I felt so supported and not judged. I felt almost invincible.

Immediately he noticed that gnocchi was on the menu and he got excited. He remembers me mentioning one time that I love gnocchi.

He also remembers how I keep asking if he will cook for me. And that Valentine’s Day stresses me out. Conclusion? He is making me a home cooked dinner!

Yup. He is a keeper. Even if we have not had sex yet. And I feel like that means he does not like me.

Hopefully this works out. Hopefully I don’t sabotage this. I really genuinely like him.

I am about to fully let my guard down; that is so scary. Well with time–but I’m thinking he is the one I might do that with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I wonder why my friends put up with me.

I’m really mentally unstable. I tell them of the thoughts I have and they have a look that crosses their faces–that one where they try not to look judgmental but they are about to say I’m crazy. You know…

I was talking with Daren last night recounting my weekend with the boyfriend. I recounted how we ended up not having sex and how this had me tripping.

The look crossed his face. Followed with, “Cassie, you are reallllllly overthinking it.”

He is patient with me and he knows I’m “mentally hilarious” but I think sometimes he forgets how bad it can be.

Last night he was reminded.

But he is awesome at keeping me in check. Reminding me that that is the sound of Ed’s voice. To just plain stop it.

And he doesn’t hold it against me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On another note, I recently said goodbye to Jamie. She finally did it; she left our work place. She is moving on. I cried. She was that last shred of sanity I held in that job. She worked one of the 12s with me.

I still have Daren there but we only work like 45minutes together.

I am going to miss her greatly. She inspires me. She makes hell tolerable. She also encourages me to eat at dinner breaks.

I am also so darkly envious of her.

All these people are leaving my work place–a sign of how toxic it is. They are able to. They have the option. I am trapped. Trapped in my job.

Too smart for my job. Too dumb for what I have trained for [“need experience in that field but no one will hire mento give it to me”].

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The pain is back. And it is unbearable. Tylenol ain’t cutting it.

So the eating has drastically decreased.

My hopes of coming off this med just got squashed.

Because eating is important. And I’m not recovered enough to take that fight on.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tomorrow is the start of the next section of group.

I’m really ambivalent to how I am feeling about it.

Not sure who to expect. Not sure what will come in this next chapter of me and Athena.

We will be covering Distress Tolerance in this next module. Hoping for something to get me through the hell that pays my psych bills.

I am also hoping for a normal group of people. I am over having people with traits I really can’t stand. Slightly convinced Athena does it to push me. I am a very tolerant person but certain things like attention seeking really pushes me. As well as entitlement. Like so much so I want to cut them with my words till they bleed their tears.

Hahaha reaaaaal healthy, huh?

What a past few days I’ve had. And more to come.

Ed is stepping up the game! This is my black week. This is the ultimate Cassie hated the world time. This is when I need to hide out. Yet now I have even more public things to do. Shiitake mushrooms.