Archive | February 2015

History Repeating?

“Do any of your friends know about me, that you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes. [Best friend #1] knows you’re my girlfriend.”

“What about [best friend #2]? Does he know about me?”

*hesitates*

“He knows we have been dating since December…”

“And does [best friend #3]?”

“Yessss. Also that we are dating.”

“I see. Your sister?”

“No.”

“Your parents?!”

“No…”

“I see… Why not *hurt*”

“I don’t tell my family until it’s been awhile.”

“How long is that?”

“Six months.”

“Oh…” *pause* “Why not?”

“Because we don’t talk about that stuff. I don’t tell them I’m dating until then.” *rushes* “But you know my friends know so that’s good!”

Is history repeating itself? Am I going down the same path as I have before? I finally change my dating habits and is it just going to return back to the same?

My long term exboyfriend and I had this issue. It was the main reason I ended it with him. He was always a part of my family: phone calls, events, bonding. I wanted to be the same but he always had an excuse. I met his family 1.5years into our relationship. It was the only time I met them or communicated with them…during our 5 year relationship. 

My parents begged me to end it with him. Told them I deserved to be bragged about. Deserved better.

So here I am. Not even 14hours later. Do I talk to him about it? Do I just end it? I deserve to be with a man who is proud to bring me home to his parents. Who tells them he is dating me but will introduce me a bit later. 

Is it guilt? Is it because not even seven months ago he was still “living” with his ex even though she was on the other side of the country? Because he has moved on and maybe they haven’t?

I’m tired of competing with ghosts. But I am more tired of not being good enough. Good enough to be a part of his family.

Is history repeating itself? Can I even handle this again?

Another Fight

Another fight against Ed’s voice.

I am at my sisters’ place. It is a mansion. A beautiful modern mansion. It is my paradise. I love coming here.

The problem is a habit I developed over the years: I was never here alone.

I used boy after guy after bro to keep me from being alone.

Being alone means I have to put up with Ed’s voice and we all know how I do with that. So I take a male companion, have crazy sex in my favorite paradise, lose or numb Ed’s voice temporarily, don’t feel numb, boom. 

I have an amazing boyfriend. I really care about him and enjoy his company. He is amazingly supportive and nonjudgmental. He is unable to join me here until the weekend. Not a problem.

Well Ed’s voice begs to differ. My mind keeps wandering to “ok who do I know is a good lay, would be willing to come here, and will take my mind away.” This is horrible! Immediately after these thoughts pop up, my next thoughts are “Cassie you have a boyfriend don’t forget don’t cheat or hurt him don’t screw this up!” Ya mainly the last one.

Ed’s voice plays loud and clear; seducing me with sex and thoughts of actions for validation. 

But I really don’t want to screw this up! I really care about him! He is also becoming a best friend! 

Here is Ed reminding me, well maybe you have these thoughts because you really don’t like him.

But I do! He may not be the physical shape I had expected I would be with, but he is becoming a best friend and I love him as a person!

Well maybe you should remember how at dance you watched one hip hop instructor and wanted to immediately bang him. Now this? Now you are scrolling through past partners to join you? Come on Cassie. Old habits die hard. You will ruin this. If not, I will just come back harder reminding you what you look like and how your body is massive compared to his. How can you forget you will never be loved, you aren’t meant to get married.

Well Ed you do know me and that is a thought I do hold true: I don’t deserve love–to be loved, hold love, be loved in return. Maybe I should end it before I get attached more…today is our one month anniversary. Last one ended a week before that. It’s about time he will be sick of me and end it.be in control: beat him to it.

Cherry and even Athena keep reminding me that I will have thoughts. These thoughts will just keep happening. You can’t control your thoughts. Ever.

But you can control how you respond to them.

I learned this and have relearned it over the past few years (yup my 2 year anniversary is approaching). To treat my thoughts like a conveyor belt: have a thought, see the thought, don’t judge the thought, just let it keep going on the conveyor belt.

It’s weird that what I was craving earlier was someone like a sponsor in Alchoholics Anon. Someone I could call and just talk it out. Cindy is being a princess right now and I really don’t know where we stand. Erin and I haven’t talked since last year but I’ll see her tomorrow. It better be good since I sacrificed the one night to see my boyfriend and it turns out he is off to another country for work for a week.

Maybe that’s why Ed is winning. I’m so fearful that my boyfriend will go on his trip for work, think, and come back and dump me. Like have some epiphany and be over it; over us. Like he will finally decide that he doesn’t care about me because I haven’t hid who I am this whole time, I hate being vulnerable like this!!  I’m so scared of that. Why not let Ed have some satisfaction and just sabotage now? 

I digressed. I really needed to be able to call someone and talk. It would help fight Ed’s voice and help me bring myself back to wise mind. Oh yes Athena you would be proud! 

Opposite action, distraction, whatever distress tolerance tactic I take–I still don’t have anyone I can call in a crisis like this and talk to. Help remind me of my goals and to fight Ed’s voice.

And that makes me feel lonely.

Whop. Just came full circle. 

Fighting the lonely.

What Eating disorders are Really About – This Resonates

Spot on. This is Ed’s voice. This is why the battle is so difficult. Why people do not understand why we don’t want to give it up; the only consistent thing in our lives.

a2eternity

“It’s not about food or weight…It’s about feeling unsafe in the world. It’s about feeling like we can’t trust anyone, not even ourselves. The Eating Disorder becomes “the reliable one”.

It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies.

It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop.

It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to…

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Needed: Male Anorexics for Research Study

a2eternity

There’s a research study going on right now that needs adult males with a history of anorexia. If you are one, please go to http://neda.force.com/referrals?id=a024000000FwsZeAAJ

If you know of anyone that fits the criteria, please pass it along. Males with eating disorders are woefully underrepresented in research, treatment, and awareness.

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Blog Post:10 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing As A Result Of Your Mental Illness

Cloudy with a Chance of Chaos

1. You shy away from sex.

Putting your body on display is natural and alarmingly unnatural at the same time. If you have ever been remotely self-conscious about how you look, disrobing can coax all of those feelings back into your head. Getting fully undressed means showcasing your extra skin, scars or love handles that you hide beneath your shirt. (Alternately, if your anxiety or depression has eaten away at your flesh, your frailty is exposed, and your protruding hipbones are all too noticeable.) You don’t crave sex the way you once did because you’re unwilling to put yourself through the mental repercussions, even for the physical benefits.

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I Love You; I Miss You

I have started several posts but just am unable to complete. Something else pops up.

A post on Valentine’s Day. One on the infusion experience. One on the Doctor who keeps telling me that I would seriously benefit from the weight loss aspect of a medication. A post on friend evaluation. A post on being able to eat again but now am sick with a cold. A post on the fears of my one month anniversary approaching. A post on group.

But today is more than that. Just 30 minutes ago was the end of a friend’s yahrzeit. He died 3 years ago. He drank and drove. He crashed his car into a pole or maybe it was a tree. He died instantaneously and his precious car went up in flames. Thankfully no one else was there or hurt.

But this does not diminish the loss I still feel. How I still think about him. How I still cry. How I found out he had died. My long term ex should have told me; we had broken up for good 12 days earlier. But he still didn’t because he is a selfish cheating asshole.

One of my closest friends died. Someone who knew me in high school. He had his issues. I apparently broke his heart. But he was still so gracious and kind to me over the years; helping me with friends in college. Still hanging out with me and partying with me. When he was intoxicated, he would remind me how I hurt him and sometimes become very angry with me. Yet we still were close.

Close enough that when he kept driving when drunk even when I would take his keys away and he would say things I know he never meant, I told him I loved him and couldn’t be around that anymore. I couldn’t handle it because he was going to hurt someone or kill himself. That I needed to detach myself because I couldn’t handle the hurt again. 

A few months later he did just that. And that detachment that Ed had me so well versed in? It failed. It did not work; I was destroyed. I still am damaged from it. My usual coping mechanism–poof gone! Ed’s voice failed me.

I knew him12 years–he knew about all the other death and loss I suffered. He knew I deeply cared about him, he knew he was important to me. He was the first boyfriend my parents knew about. They met him. He was a great friend. He helped me escape a lot and often over the years.


And I still feel like a horrible person because I feel like I could have done more. But I couldn’t have. Which is why I tried to let go.


So here I am. Still da,aged goods.still reliant on Ed’s voice which still fails me. Still wishing he was still here.


But here marks the end of Cassie’s dark time. 


The yahrzeit candle is burning out. And while his memory stays strong, that candle represents his loss but also the end of my dark times; the return to Cassie’s “normalcy.”


I love you, kid. Hope you are still singing and dancing your heart out. I miss you.