That boy I have been seeing? Well I have been struggling so hard against old habits. Fighting urges to self sabotage. Urges to ruin. Urges to push him away.
I found myself yesterday, even now, trying to find reasons to not be attracted to him. The biggest one still resides, truly the only one: he is fit. He is skinny fit. He is training for a major triathlon and is nothing but muscles/skin/bones.
You know, everything I aim to be.
And why do I not like this? Because I feel like I’m so fat I could break him. That I’m so fat he will be repulsed. So fat that he doesn’t really want me.
Last night, he took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I was in heaven. He treats me so well! He treats me the way I should deserve [remember I don’t think I deserve to be loved] and want to be treated. He is emotionally a great fit for me. Nonjudgemental. Understanding. Caring. Compassionate.
This clearly is overwhelming and scary for me. This shit is real! Things just are so easy with him. It just comes naturally to is. Well, all but how fat I feel. That’s super high.
Now he eats multiple meals a day–like 6-10–because of training. So they are all small. This is what I’m supposed to be aiming for right now. Good influence, right? Yes. In theory.
See one of my bad habits is that when I resume eating, it is usually one “big” meal a day. Now while it’s been AMAZINGLY good that I’m getting shakes in and a meal plus what Cherry would consider a snack, I still default around him to the one meal. And that one meal I force myself to eat what others consider a normal portion so I blend in and look fine…recovered.
But he doesn’t eat much because he eats small meals. And then I feel like I’m out of control bingeing. Because I still keep on my training habits and eat what is more than him. He is always apologizing for being full and encouraging me to eat. So, naturally, Ed’s voice chimes in to stop that I have gone too far.
The struggle is real.
I’m fighting that. I’m dealing with this head/face issue…still. I’m struggling with I’m not good enough. Guh.
He has in NO WAY ever said or indicated that. So Ed reminds me that I’m not.
Anyways. Last night. I felt like disgusting and bingeing and fat and ugly. Shameful. Judged by everyone around us–he’s so skinny and she’s so fat she could squash him. What does he see in her?
Then he locked me down: he asked me to be his girlfriend–to put a title on it. I hesitated and kissed him to stall because I panicked. Ed’s voice ringing in my ears that he is just saying that that he will regret all this in the morning.
He was hurt that I didn’t respond. I played it off and said yes. I’m still terrified.
I haven’t had a real relationship since July of 2014. That ended a month later. Before that? The one that I discovered he is a cheater and it ended in 2012.
And this guy and I are on the same page: no relationship u less we see a real future–no games. So my little panic alerts are on.
And I’m trying to find reasons to not like him. To cut myself off. To prevent the future hurt.
I have been SO good in not doing this and ending it before it’s time for 5 weeks…HUGE for me!!
Today Ed was in full control. Why hasn’t he texted me?! He clearly woke up and regrets asking me to be his girlfriend. He doesn’t want to see me tonight. The urge to end is so tangible even when I try and redirect the thoughts.
I went to his place and watched Madagascar 2 and ate popcorn. We had a blast. We hooked up.
And by me letting my guard down I feel so out of control and keep trying to prepare for the worst.
When in actuality, Ed has full reigns as the voice plays over and over again, louder and louder each time.
He will wake up and realize I’m too fat for him and be turned off. So turned off he will lose why he fell for me: who I am as a person.
Because truly how many relationships last with someone who suffers from anorexia?
I don’t think I’ll live past 35 anyways. Ed’s voice reminds me of that frequently.