Today I had the weirdest panic attack of all!
A moment I have been yearning and waiting for and it comes. So I flip out?!
As a reminder, I am a re relapsed anorexic who has gained significant amount of weight from starving myself. That eating will help me lose weight.
Well I have been yearning for the weight loss– to be a size 15 again–dreaming of a size 13 or 11. Because even as skin and bones the smallest I could be was 11–shout out to family genetic childbearing hips!
Currently I had been on the lower end of 18. Yup I just confessed that. I have been praying to go down to 16–frustrated that it hasn’t happened yet.
So today I grab a pair of 18 jeggings–a pair that has been notoriously tight. Because my other size 18 pants are too big. I figured well these will fit right and no need for a belt.
In my half awake state I pull them on. And WOAH they are huge! Like those “weight loss” commercials where they hold their jeans out huge. My tight pants are too big!
I should have done victory dances. Should have been beaming all day. My stomach is shrinking.
Instead I panicked. It really upset me.
What?! Did that really happen?! What’s wrong with me?! This is amazing!! Plateau passed!! Downward ho!!
* panic because now no pants that fit; all are too big
* panic that Cherry will notice and I’ll get admitted even though we both know loss = Cassie eating
* panic that I still feel fat and yet this shows I’m losing so damn mismatch
* panic that I’ll get to be skinny again and people will only think of me as a sexual item–pretty therefore not a person, just a sex object–again
* panic that people will notice and question me how I lost weight; how do you say, anorexia recovery I’m eating? Or nasty coworkers will spread the cocaine rumors again. Jealous much?
* panic that my self worth lies in my weight and people will validate that as I lose it.
And yet I still feel too fat for my boyfriend. He has never implied it or said anything ever. But when he touches my stomach I feel like I’m 500 lbs and he will be grossed out.
I actually am more insecure with him because I care what he thinks…unlike my sex partners of the past. I am constantly trying to cover up around him.
I want to ask him if he noticed weight loss when I see him tomorrow night, but I think he has done his research and knows what not to say to an eating disordered person. Damnit.
I can’t believe I’m losing weight the way I want to and I panicked. Who does that?! Does that mean I fail at anorexia…win at life? Saw that somewhere.
But seriously when did this change happen that I’m afraid to lose weight. Because this ish has got to go. So I can be comfortable in my skin, wear lingerie, wear my old clothes, be the Cassie that I really am–size 12/13.