I had an amazing evening with the boyfriend. There really is something different about him; about us.
Almost too good to be true. I don’t want to sabotage this one. I am fighting the compulsions to do so. Big step.
And yet people keep reminding me he could just end it.
He treats me so well. I can’t get over it. He is so supportive of my struggles. Sometimes I don’t know if he even does it intentionally,
For example, like at dinner.
He told me we would eat downtown. He saw a couple of places; I had to pick the style of cuisine. Ok, Italian. I thought I was off the hook. We keep walking. “Ok Cassie, which restaurant–a or b?” Shit. I try to throw it back to him. His stubbornness pays off. Why do I have to choose?! “It’s ok! No pressure! We have all night.” Fine I pick b. My bullshit rationales are getting shorter because he really doesn’t care–I don’t have to explain why I chose what I did. We walk up to the restaurant holding hands and he slightly tugs on me over to the displayed menus. “Do you want to look at the menu before we go in?” As in to make sure I’m comfortable eating there, so darn sweet! Nope, I’m ok I know I’ll be happy here. I even decided I might try a new food. Because I felt so supported and not judged. I felt almost invincible.
Immediately he noticed that gnocchi was on the menu and he got excited. He remembers me mentioning one time that I love gnocchi.
He also remembers how I keep asking if he will cook for me. And that Valentine’s Day stresses me out. Conclusion? He is making me a home cooked dinner!
Yup. He is a keeper. Even if we have not had sex yet. And I feel like that means he does not like me.
Hopefully this works out. Hopefully I don’t sabotage this. I really genuinely like him.
I am about to fully let my guard down; that is so scary. Well with time–but I’m thinking he is the one I might do that with.
Sometimes I wonder why my friends put up with me.
I’m really mentally unstable. I tell them of the thoughts I have and they have a look that crosses their faces–that one where they try not to look judgmental but they are about to say I’m crazy. You know…
I was talking with Daren last night recounting my weekend with the boyfriend. I recounted how we ended up not having sex and how this had me tripping.
The look crossed his face. Followed with, “Cassie, you are reallllllly overthinking it.”
He is patient with me and he knows I’m “mentally hilarious” but I think sometimes he forgets how bad it can be.
Last night he was reminded.
But he is awesome at keeping me in check. Reminding me that that is the sound of Ed’s voice. To just plain stop it.
And he doesn’t hold it against me.
On another note, I recently said goodbye to Jamie. She finally did it; she left our work place. She is moving on. I cried. She was that last shred of sanity I held in that job. She worked one of the 12s with me.
I still have Daren there but we only work like 45minutes together.
I am going to miss her greatly. She inspires me. She makes hell tolerable. She also encourages me to eat at dinner breaks.
I am also so darkly envious of her.
All these people are leaving my work place–a sign of how toxic it is. They are able to. They have the option. I am trapped. Trapped in my job.
Too smart for my job. Too dumb for what I have trained for [“need experience in that field but no one will hire mento give it to me”].
The pain is back. And it is unbearable. Tylenol ain’t cutting it.
So the eating has drastically decreased.
My hopes of coming off this med just got squashed.
Because eating is important. And I’m not recovered enough to take that fight on.
Tomorrow is the start of the next section of group.
I’m really ambivalent to how I am feeling about it.
Not sure who to expect. Not sure what will come in this next chapter of me and Athena.
We will be covering Distress Tolerance in this next module. Hoping for something to get me through the hell that pays my psych bills.
I am also hoping for a normal group of people. I am over having people with traits I really can’t stand. Slightly convinced Athena does it to push me. I am a very tolerant person but certain things like attention seeking really pushes me. As well as entitlement. Like so much so I want to cut them with my words till they bleed their tears.
Hahaha reaaaaal healthy, huh?
What a past few days I’ve had. And more to come.
Ed is stepping up the game! This is my black week. This is the ultimate Cassie hated the world time. This is when I need to hide out. Yet now I have even more public things to do. Shiitake mushrooms.