Old Habits Die Hard?

Or so the saying goes.

As I keep mentioning, this is Cassie’s Black Week.

I typically avoid the world. I stay home, sleep, cry, hate everyone, watch my favorite movies and shows, pamper myself.

The pampering started a couple years ago. And it has been a great thing.

This year I have been panicked because I have the boyfriend. Does this mean I stop treating this the way I do because I have someone this year? Do I acknowledge it? What do I do?!

I wasn’t going to pamper myself this year. I figured maybe save it for my birthday in a few months. But after a not so pleasant week last week, and the return of the pain, I decided on modified pampering.

Instead of a week long process, I did one day. That day was today.

I went and got my haircut [don’t get me wrong it was much needed]. I swung by Jamba Juice and picked up two smoothies–lunch, dinner, breakfast–since eating has been too hard. I went home and finished a book. I then went to my first ever massage.

My friends have been urging me to do it for years. I was always worried. I’m too fat. The therapist will be grossed out at home fat I am. They will see my scars. I don’t like being touched because it reminds me of how fat I am; how uncomfortable I am in my skin. I also worried about them jacking up my already chronic back.

But my face hurts. This was a possible solution.

So I tried it.

As I sat in the tranquility room, I realized I had headed here clearly in panic mode: I don’t remember much of getting there at all. I was worried about turning back but I was already in. I was more worried about my back being further injured as well as being too fat.

Oh yes, Cherry, you will be so proud! Exposure therapy!!! Extraordinary!

I went in and was honestly freaked out by the serene music. Nope. Quiet and relaxing is not going to work for me.

I ended up with an amazing therapist!! I walked out and my back AND face didn’t hurt!! I definitely experienced the health benefits for sure!!

My massage was by no means a relaxing one. And I’m ok with that. Honestly!! I know people are always swooning over that Destress aspect. But for me, I walked out an inch taller and with less pain! That in itself is major win!

So I signed up as a member.

If I can walk out there with some knots broken up and tension out, even if it was not zen and relaxing, I am beyond ecstatic. I realized it’s truly what you take home from it!!

I talked most of the time and had a great time!

The beginning was sticky for me: I did feel fat. I felt like I repulsed her when she touched me. I did work through my thoughts–observing them and letting them pass if not talking to them.

This massage was so much more than I expected. It was an exposure. It was a chance for me to deal with some of my body insecurities. It was a chance to take away some of the pain.

I’m glad I did it. My old habit of talking myself out of it, well it did die!! Hahaha

But it gave me confidence.

Before I went, I was having repetitive thoughts from what Cindy’s sister [my hairstylist] had casually mentioned: had I seen what the ex girlfriend looked like? She meant no harm by it at all! Shit we joke about Facebook stalking people all the time.

But I couldn’t get over it. I do want to know what she looks like. I always do. I want to know that I’m prettier and better. But even more so in this circumstance since when we first were dating, he almost dumped me because she decided she wanted him back again.

Nutshell? Things were fab with us. He went home for Christmas and returned her stuff. She wanted to do dinner. He met up with her. She decided she wanted him back [pretty much figured out how much he was making and she’s 25 and still figuring out her life—because she doesn’t work and wants him to take care of her]. She manipulated him.

On a date, he told me he wanted to get back with her because they had history. And I was new. I was the unknown. I was devastated. That was a first for me. Normally I go home and think about why I’m not good enough. But this kid. He is much better than that. He liked me for me. Not for my sex or looks.

I cried and he cried because he made me cry. We talked. I ended it with, she won’t change because she is 25 and doesn’t have to–he is 30 and should know better–she still refuses to move out here so no change–don’t be scared for the unknown because I made that mistake too much–that I was doing a first and giving him 2 months but knew he would be back when he realized she was a mistake. Then I went for broke: I kissed him. He didn’t resist.

Thankfully he chose me. He was scared I didn’t feel the way I did. It all worked out in the end. I was super cautious. But he’s clear he doesn’t regret his decision. I’m here, she’s not. I’m what he wants and have more to offer; more of what he wants.

Thank you for putting me in such a good place!! 😀

But she is a sensitive subject. I don’t know her name. I don’t know what she looks like. I can’t ask because I will look jealous.

He committed to me: something we both agreed we wouldn’t enter unless we saw a future together. He also won’t have sex with someone unless he sees a future together. He has been planning our first night together.

Then there is the whole he treats me really well: emotionally, physically, mentally, fiscally. He’s my kind of perfect.

I digress.

Here I am thinking how I have to know. I went on Facebook and tried to look through his friends and find her. I think I found her. He hasn’t been on his account since November. Nbd. But I think she’s still his fb friend. That shits gonna change.

If it’s her, thankfully she’s not that cute. But it still tore me up. He had contemplated marrying this bitch. I saw the face of the one who almost won. And I felt guilty.

So after the massage, I felt confident for overcoming that fear and working through the exposure.

And he called.

I figured I would t talk to him this week because I was afraid I would sabotage myself. Shit I almost did looking for his ex. Those thoughts… Ed’s voice is killer!!!

I answered. Still fearful. Convinced it would be bad. Hey this week has always been bad! I even told him so in text earlier in the day.

He said he was sad he didn’t get to talk to me much this week or today [text today, first voice since Monday]. he just wanted to hear my voice and say hi.

Yup. I’m glad I answered. I melted. He does that to me. He makes me vulnerable. I hate it!! But he makes me happy and smile.

With him, I want to do it right. I left the sex ball in his court. I’m constantly fighting Ed’s voice. I’m beyond straining against the temptation for self sabotage. He seems worth it. And that’s scary!

But it does prove that old habits don’t die hard. They are hard to fight for sure, but if there is a good enough reason, the fight is worth it and not so hard that it wins.

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