I have started several posts but just am unable to complete. Something else pops up.
A post on Valentine’s Day. One on the infusion experience. One on the Doctor who keeps telling me that I would seriously benefit from the weight loss aspect of a medication. A post on friend evaluation. A post on being able to eat again but now am sick with a cold. A post on the fears of my one month anniversary approaching. A post on group.
But today is more than that. Just 30 minutes ago was the end of a friend’s yahrzeit. He died 3 years ago. He drank and drove. He crashed his car into a pole or maybe it was a tree. He died instantaneously and his precious car went up in flames. Thankfully no one else was there or hurt.
But this does not diminish the loss I still feel. How I still think about him. How I still cry. How I found out he had died. My long term ex should have told me; we had broken up for good 12 days earlier. But he still didn’t because he is a selfish cheating asshole.
One of my closest friends died. Someone who knew me in high school. He had his issues. I apparently broke his heart. But he was still so gracious and kind to me over the years; helping me with friends in college. Still hanging out with me and partying with me. When he was intoxicated, he would remind me how I hurt him and sometimes become very angry with me. Yet we still were close.
Close enough that when he kept driving when drunk even when I would take his keys away and he would say things I know he never meant, I told him I loved him and couldn’t be around that anymore. I couldn’t handle it because he was going to hurt someone or kill himself. That I needed to detach myself because I couldn’t handle the hurt again.
A few months later he did just that. And that detachment that Ed had me so well versed in? It failed. It did not work; I was destroyed. I still am damaged from it. My usual coping mechanism–poof gone! Ed’s voice failed me.
I knew him12 years–he knew about all the other death and loss I suffered. He knew I deeply cared about him, he knew he was important to me. He was the first boyfriend my parents knew about. They met him. He was a great friend. He helped me escape a lot and often over the years.
And I still feel like a horrible person because I feel like I could have done more. But I couldn’t have. Which is why I tried to let go.
So here I am. Still da,aged goods.still reliant on Ed’s voice which still fails me. Still wishing he was still here.
But here marks the end of Cassie’s dark time.
The yahrzeit candle is burning out. And while his memory stays strong, that candle represents his loss but also the end of my dark times; the return to Cassie’s “normalcy.”
I love you, kid. Hope you are still singing and dancing your heart out. I miss you.