Another Fight

Another fight against Ed’s voice.

I am at my sisters’ place. It is a mansion. A beautiful modern mansion. It is my paradise. I love coming here.

The problem is a habit I developed over the years: I was never here alone.

I used boy after guy after bro to keep me from being alone.

Being alone means I have to put up with Ed’s voice and we all know how I do with that. So I take a male companion, have crazy sex in my favorite paradise, lose or numb Ed’s voice temporarily, don’t feel numb, boom. 

I have an amazing boyfriend. I really care about him and enjoy his company. He is amazingly supportive and nonjudgmental. He is unable to join me here until the weekend. Not a problem.

Well Ed’s voice begs to differ. My mind keeps wandering to “ok who do I know is a good lay, would be willing to come here, and will take my mind away.” This is horrible! Immediately after these thoughts pop up, my next thoughts are “Cassie you have a boyfriend don’t forget don’t cheat or hurt him don’t screw this up!” Ya mainly the last one.

Ed’s voice plays loud and clear; seducing me with sex and thoughts of actions for validation. 

But I really don’t want to screw this up! I really care about him! He is also becoming a best friend! 

Here is Ed reminding me, well maybe you have these thoughts because you really don’t like him.

But I do! He may not be the physical shape I had expected I would be with, but he is becoming a best friend and I love him as a person!

Well maybe you should remember how at dance you watched one hip hop instructor and wanted to immediately bang him. Now this? Now you are scrolling through past partners to join you? Come on Cassie. Old habits die hard. You will ruin this. If not, I will just come back harder reminding you what you look like and how your body is massive compared to his. How can you forget you will never be loved, you aren’t meant to get married.

Well Ed you do know me and that is a thought I do hold true: I don’t deserve love–to be loved, hold love, be loved in return. Maybe I should end it before I get attached more…today is our one month anniversary. Last one ended a week before that. It’s about time he will be sick of me and end in control: beat him to it.

Cherry and even Athena keep reminding me that I will have thoughts. These thoughts will just keep happening. You can’t control your thoughts. Ever.

But you can control how you respond to them.

I learned this and have relearned it over the past few years (yup my 2 year anniversary is approaching). To treat my thoughts like a conveyor belt: have a thought, see the thought, don’t judge the thought, just let it keep going on the conveyor belt.

It’s weird that what I was craving earlier was someone like a sponsor in Alchoholics Anon. Someone I could call and just talk it out. Cindy is being a princess right now and I really don’t know where we stand. Erin and I haven’t talked since last year but I’ll see her tomorrow. It better be good since I sacrificed the one night to see my boyfriend and it turns out he is off to another country for work for a week.

Maybe that’s why Ed is winning. I’m so fearful that my boyfriend will go on his trip for work, think, and come back and dump me. Like have some epiphany and be over it; over us. Like he will finally decide that he doesn’t care about me because I haven’t hid who I am this whole time, I hate being vulnerable like this!!  I’m so scared of that. Why not let Ed have some satisfaction and just sabotage now? 

I digressed. I really needed to be able to call someone and talk. It would help fight Ed’s voice and help me bring myself back to wise mind. Oh yes Athena you would be proud! 

Opposite action, distraction, whatever distress tolerance tactic I take–I still don’t have anyone I can call in a crisis like this and talk to. Help remind me of my goals and to fight Ed’s voice.

And that makes me feel lonely.

Whop. Just came full circle. 

Fighting the lonely.


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