i hate it when the therapists are right.
Just that moment.
Right now I got off the phone with PC. I basically nearly got dumped by him due to self sabotage… I nearly went full on cray on him. And who is to say that he will not dump me, he still could. Shit.
I was trying to find Biscuit, the dog. He had been hiding because the smoke detector battery is dead and chirping. I called PC back because I interrupted our pleasant call because I panicked due to not being able to find Biscuit. I called PC back and told him the story. He jumped in trying to problem solve.
I didn’t call him for sympathy. I didn’t call him for a solution. I was just passing on the story. All his ideas I turned down. Then I felt like I stubborn bitch–but I tried them all two years before in the same situation.
It got tense. And I thought, well we are just fighting a lot fuck it we are done let’s end it. So I said, “I don’t need you to solve my problems, I take care of myself.”
Bitch star please and thank you.
And him with the being like I don’t know why you are acting that way. Immediately after, all I thought was, damn I really like him I don’t want to lose him. So we talked it out. I explained that I am hypocritical that I want to he,p others and have them rely on me but I’m not used to others helping me. Sadly it’s true.
It’s called an invalidating environment.
I still feel horrid. Like I ducked up should have kept that in my head. Kept the crazy in, but he needs to see the real Cassie. I don’t want to hide who I am. Ever. I shouldn’t have to.
So stupidly, I ask at the end of the convo if we are ok.
Because this is high school and I’m desperate and pathetic?! Who the hell am I?!?
Almost two months official; three dating. Damnit. I’m so weak.
Sure I will be posting how he dumped me tomorrow night. Just feel it.
Anyways, I realized after getting off the phone that I am extremely exhausted… 2 hours sleep in 48 hours. I’m overly sensitive and cranky.
My therapists are all right: when one PLEASE skill is way out of balance, it makes it extremely difficult to focus and be your best. It’s hard for me to control me and Ed’s responses when I am this tired.