Archive | March 2015

Cassie Ainsworth: Me and You?

My alias on here is Cassie. As mentioned in previous posts, it is after my idol Cassie Ainsworth from the tele series Skins, UK. She struggles with anorexia and her battles are very similar to mine. While she utilizes drugs way more than I ever did, we definitely connect in the same level of utilizing sex as an escape. 

Cassie is a wise girl that no one ever takes seriously because she is anorexic. No one sees her true struggles because she does not allow it. The show does an amazing job of nailing it on the head. I cried when I watched it because it was the first time that I felt understood; I really identified with her and Effy.

The following pictures are quotes and captions of powerful moments that I strongly identify with and capture my struggles past and present. I just hope to have the same future Cassie did.

Please comment if you find you identify with any. I am curious if anyone else relates with these moments.

   

    

And I never will. Radical acceptance.

  

Imagine what it would be like if people understood the struggle.

      

From the blogs I follow, it seems a lot of us have and still do this. Our nature.

  

This feeling.

This moment. I have done it many times, still do, when I need to escape. Just dance and let free. No drugs necessary. I guess I am crazy enough I can tap into that high without the drugs.

  

Terror

My thoughts frequently: who is Cassie really without anorexia? Who am I? When it is so engrained in our coping mechanisms and our identity and thought processes, while we learn to weed it out, it’s so scary learning who we really are.

a2eternity

I keep crying.

I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.

What if I can’t  do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?

This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.

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This Is The Time… in Theory

when I should be blogging. When I should be showing and demonstrating how powerful and horrible Ed’s voice can be. 

Allowing Ed’s voice to rule the blog entry–flowing through my fingers and typing the message out into the blogosphere to my few followers. 

Yet I cannot do it. 

I am too self conscious.

I am too agitated.

Ed’s voice is too strong.

I feel too worthless. Too fat. Too in need of scratching that itch at the back of my throat and on the inside of my left wrist [both things I’ve never done]. Too out of control. Too in need of being in control…of something. Too agitated that I don’t absolutely despise candy and soda anymore like as in am repulsed by it.  Too disappointed and undeserving of my amazing boyfriend, PC.

All this makes it that much more difficult to get an entry out.

Hate When They Are Right

i hate it when the therapists are right. 

Just that moment.

Right now I got off the phone with PC. I basically nearly got dumped by him due to self sabotage… I nearly went full on cray on him. And who is to say that he will not dump me, he still could. Shit.

I was trying to find Biscuit, the dog. He had been hiding because the smoke detector battery is dead and chirping. I called PC back because I interrupted our pleasant call because I panicked due to not being able to find Biscuit. I called PC back and told him the story. He jumped in trying to problem solve. 

I didn’t call him for sympathy. I didn’t call him for a solution. I was just passing on the story. All his ideas I turned down. Then I felt like I stubborn bitch–but I tried them all two years before in the same situation. 

It got tense. And I thought, well we are just fighting a lot fuck it we are done let’s end it. So I said, “I don’t need you to solve my problems, I take care of myself.” 

Bitch star please and thank you.

Spiral please. 

And him with the being like I don’t know why you are acting that way. Immediately after, all I thought was, damn I really like him I don’t want to lose him. So we talked it out. I explained that I am hypocritical that I want to he,p others and have them rely on me but I’m not used to others helping me. Sadly it’s true.

It’s called an invalidating environment.

I still feel horrid. Like I ducked up should have kept that in my head. Kept the crazy in, but he needs to see the real Cassie. I don’t want to hide who I am. Ever. I shouldn’t have to.

So stupidly, I ask at the end of the convo if we are ok.

Because this is high school and I’m desperate and pathetic?! Who the hell am I?!?

Almost two months official; three dating. Damnit. I’m so weak.

Sure I will be posting how he dumped me tomorrow night. Just feel it.

Anyways, I realized after getting off the phone that I am extremely exhausted… 2 hours sleep in 48 hours. I’m overly sensitive and cranky. 

My therapists are all right: when one PLEASE skill is way out of balance, it makes it extremely difficult to focus and be your best. It’s hard for me to control me and Ed’s responses when I am this tired.

Bringing Him Home

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Last night I decided last minute to invite PC over to a low key dinner and movie to meet my dad while my mom is out of town. My mom is more intense and puts more pressure on the situation–hell she’s the one who refused to take no for an answer when I told her that I don’t think I will be getting married [mainly because I don’t think I will live past 35 but she doesn’t know that part—shit according to her I don’t have any problems]. And I know PC has been nervous about the whole meeting my friends and family thing.

I thought I would give it a try. I figured he would say no because he was not ready and he is suuuper busy with work.

I was wrong. He said yes.

I proceeded to freak out.

Side note: this past week I have been really struggling with the lack of control over anything and everything. This just added to it.

I should have been immediately happy, right? Conveyor belt that. 

I tried to make him feel at ease all the while feeling nervous myself. Then my dad was nervous, so now he needed to be taken care of. What about me?! I was nervous! 

It went off well! Thankfully. We ate dinner, had some cool convo, watched a movie; smooth. I had a hard time eating because I was anxious over the situation. PC had to leave because he had more work to do. He enjoyed himself so that is a nice relief. He even stated “it was nice to get a chance to finally meet him” which makes me feel great because I wasn’t  sure if he was even on board for meeting the parents.

That milestone halfway completed. And I’m still standing.

Must be that luck of the Irish.

Hospitalization: Part 5

Yet another example of how even healthcare professionals assume that overweight means unhealthy diet and lack of exercise… No one suspects me and my anorexia… Here in the corner over exercising and not eating. When I eat is when I lose weight. And that is a professional. Coooooool.

a2eternity

From the afternoon of my second day on the wing.

During the 2nd group, the facilitator kept using an example of being overweight and needing to lose weight, how if you’re overweight you aren’t exercising and you eat an unhealthy diet, how you lack self-discipline. It was so wrong and triggering, and since I was the only overweight person in the room, it felt like a direct assault.

Just over halfway through, my growing anxiety over his topic triggered a sudden-onset migraine. It was a good excuse to leave the group. I went and got meds from my nurse and lay down. I stayed in bed until lunch, ate a slow lunch, feeling bogged down by both the migraine and the meds, then headed back to my room to purde. While in the bathroom, my roomie came back and needed to use the bathroom, so I exited. She stayed in…

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Brought by Effy Stonem 

This post is a pictures post. While Effy Stonem did not suffer from an eating disorder on Skins Uk, she was still a troubled girl whom I strongly identified with. She also had a lot of wisdom.

Here are some words from her that I think really depict my struggles.