Archive | April 2015

Surprised

At how calm I am.

At how I didn’t freak out too much regarding food even though I feel like I’m bingeing a lot lately.

With my boyfriend. PC just continues to amaze me in good ways. I am a lucky lady!

With Cindy’s response to PC via text today: she genuinely likes him now! Before she didn’t like him or take him seriously thinking he was one of my flowers I flit to or he was a typical male of this area. But I guess he has proven himself so far! 

At how I am holding it together waiting to hear regarding this potential job and interview thing. [application closed Monday so review of apps is ongoing]. Really thought I would have had like 15 breakdowns by now.

At how I did not get derailed after Friday night’s issue with a male friend and end it with PC–but glad I did not and glad I talked to him about it!

At how excited I am for PC and I to celebrate 3 months together tomorrow and our first mini vacation together this weekend! ❤ I thought I’d be more scared. He is the first real relationship to last this long in years. Dating 4 months, anniversary 3. HUGE for me! I didn’t sabotage!

At how my preplanned activities [the previous blog] are actually helping guide me in distraction during this stressful time.

At how my parents are finally slowly coming on board the Cassie train with at least one Cassie problem–ok it’s not the anorexia but at least it’s something!!

With myself that I am PMSing and my restriction isn’t nearly as bad as it usually is at this time.

That I am actually getting my first pedicure EVER today!! This time last year I got my first manicure. I am afraid of the latex due to my allergy but I have some gloves. And this is the trial run before my big birthday one in June!! 

At how afraid and fearful I am to workout and run. Still so scared of relapsing with that. Ugh.

At how next week is my last week of group like ever! I finished that commitment! That was slow and fast. 

Womanhood vs Ed

I have been beyond stressed lately as those who follow know.

Well I have felt like I have been bingeing for a few days now. And out of control. Like one of the meds I am on is off label use for BED so SHOULDN’T that work that way for me?! The doctors kept telling me how I would lose weight on this medication. So why am I so fat right now and bingeing?!?!

Like absurdly weird feeling. It’s upsetting. I want to eat. Not happy about this. At all. 

Feeling extraordinarily fat and bloated. Stepped on the scale immediately following a shower today. 

Mistake.

I have been agitated all day ever since.

Then while at work I realized what day it is. And it dawned on me. Aw hell. I’m getting my period.

I hate how I always miss the clues: gassy, bloated, excessive weight gain, bingeing sensations, bingeing conceptions and perceptions, extreme agitation, salt and sweet cravings. Damnit.

The worst part is I really can’t control Ed’s voice during this time.

I’m sitting in my bed. I know I’ve gained bloated weight because of my period. But yet I keep grabbing and pinching my thighs feeling and assessing my fat. It’s so weird: still significantly less than before.

Maybe time to really get to exercise purging because that will get rid of it all.

Sigh yes I’ll bring it up along with all the stress of my job and that drama with Cherry.

Obsessed with Ed

I always find myself becoming SO obsessed with others who have eating disorders. 

Like if there is someone else that has one, especially anorexia, I want to know all. Of course I secretly want to tell them, “me too, you’re not alone” but fear the judgement.

Anyone else find this? This sickening obsession with eating disorders? 

I have to know like everything about them. 

Not sure if it’s so I can be a better anorexic, better understand why I am the way I am, or what.

But with regards to finding other people? I want to see their faces. I want to see what other eating disordered people look like. What other anorexics look like. I want to see a face so I know I’m not alone.

I already go at this world fairly alone so to be able to see someone else, well it makes me feel a little less alone.

And today at work. To be reminded yet again how toxic my work place is and how hard other people try to bully me. Well that happened. All I wanted to do was restrict. Then there was a patient. Medical history of anorexia but not presenting diagnosis. And I kinda felt like it was a sign. A sick, dark, twisted sign. But let’s be honest–we are all those sorts. 

So this patient was in front of me. I know. They don’t know what I know. And I feel relief and comfort in their presence. I want to reach out and be like, “me too.” Maybe even “thank you” for their presence reminded me that while I get bullied and called fat, isolated, made to feel not good enough… Nothing can be worse than hating yourself. Hating yourself so much you starve. No one will get it. 

But in our sick, dark, twisted eating disorder club we do. It’s like initiation. So it was the thing I needed to remind me that I’m dangerous. I’ll kill myself–not these little children I work with and their potlucks and presents celebrating each other and not me. Nah I don’t need that shit. 

I’m a survivor. I have something inside me trying to kill me each day. Like hell they will kill me. I leave that to Ed and Ed’s voice.

Need Some Love?

While I can’t fight Ed’s voice, that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to!! Here is some fun pictures I found on Pinterest before I lost myself in my last post.

      

1+1+1+…+1= Ed’s Voice

All the therapy has taught me that a bunch of different factors can cause relapse to happen or in my case, a weakening of my already weakened wall against the fight with Ed’s voice.

Some of these factors include the PLEASE skills: 

  • PhysicaL illness
  • balanced Eating
  • mood Altering substances (alcohol, drugs, abused prescription drugs)
  • balanced Sleep
  • getting Exercise

That is what it is but obviously one alters it based on what is appropriate for them. So mine would be to treat physical illness, actually eat, take medications (not an issue), get appropriate sleep, exercise as prescribed–I over exercise.
Some of these factors include what I have already been openly dealing with:

  • Anorexia
  • Anxiety –GAD, PTSD
  • Invalidating environments
  • OCD tendencies
  • Hypergymnasia

Then we add the dash of life:

  • Toxic job
  • Hostile work environment
  • Application for transfer
  • Waiting to hear if said application for program will take me to next round but the wait is still a few weeks
  • Loss of control over own work life
  • Loss of control over anorexia–I’ve been bingeing and they swore this new med would help me lose weight because they use it for BED patients as an off label use but in anorexics it clearly does the opposite. 
  • The battle and desire to start running but the fear that I will not be able to control it–already envisioning how it’ll help me lose weight and tone up by June. How PC will fall in love with me because then I’ll have a better body.
  • Recent return of the feeling of hunger. After years. It wasn’t missed.
  • PC on his family trip to Disney (they still don’t know I exist and I don’t know if his ex is down there or not).
  • Oh ha and poor sleep related to severe stress and anxiety related to first few bulletins. [especially tonight as I meet with HR and boss tomorrow].

Well of we do the mathematical functions here folks, we get the answer: Ed’s voice has returned. 

And with Ed’s voice comes the flow of thoughts that even Ativan can’t slow down the ensuing panic attack. 

I’m fat. Who wants me? PC is seeing his ex. She is probably talking to him while he is there. He will probably come back and end it with me. Why am I not good enough for his family to know about me? Last time he went home, we talked every day and yet he still managed to see his ex and shit. Ugh. This time minimal talking. Sometimes I can lean the right way and I can feel that I’m losing enough weight that I’m getting back to my hip bones, but still fat. Having dreams of how fat I am. Need to lose even more weight before my trip at end of May. Assuming I’m going because I could have interviews then ugh that’s not more stress what if I’m too fat again. What if I’m not good enough again even though I was indirectly recruited and indirectly checked up on? I need that job. I really don’t know how I will literally live in this current one when its beaten me down the way it has already. Made me so hopeless and helpless feeling. Just lose weight. I can control that.

But more than that by June. Running can help with that. No one would really notice. I would start off and it would be the escape I crave. Cherry leaves May 18 for a month so I could easily slip into the exercise rut. I’ll just do it to get this fat off for the big trips. Then I’ll ease back. I’ll do my stretches and arm weight toning in my bedroom so no one will notice. And kettlebell exercises. Then PC would be happy. I’ll get a nice ass again. Maybe even quad lines. I knew someone who ran for 2 months and lost 45lbs. If I could drop like 1-2 pant sizes in that time, I’d be such a happy Cassie. I could strut like a slut again. Get attention the only way that people tell me I’m worthy of receiving it. No one gives a shit about how hard working, responsible, caring, compassionate I am. I guess I join society again and get south hot. That’s my worth anyways. Then I’ll just mind manipulate them. Us damaged people are dangerous. We are survivors.

It’s not like anyone noticed me anyways so I can easily punish this shit body and hurt it since I could never inflict the pain upon others who seem to be able to so easily do it to me. 

Ed’s voice I hear you. You aren’t loud and clear…yet. At least I can rely on you. The one consistent constant in my life.

Two Weeks’ Distractors

My outline for the next few weeks. To distract myself somewhat.
✔️ therapy. Including group. So 3 times a week.

✔️ lunch with Celeste

✔️ drinks one evening [typical date night with PC but he is out of town for 4 days] with a new pal. No worries PC is fully aware of him

✔️ hang out with Andie

✔️ paint my nails

✔️ setup my bike and ride

✔️ read my books

✔️ clean and organize my room

✔️ volunteer once a week
✔️ work…

✔️ make hair flowers

✔️ do a samurai sudoku puzzle 

✔️ lay out and tan

✔️ start couch to 5k

✔️ spend time with PC when he gets back

✔️ plan my special all day trip with PC that is coming up; more like make out a list of places 

✔️ make a list of items for my birthday girls’ adventure

✔️ make a list of items for my family Disney trip–assuming I get to go

✔️ update dry erase calendar

✔️ update planner

✔️ stretch

✔️ go through big stack of magazines 

✔️ collage

✔️ try and see Erin

✔️ call Badgyr for her birthday

✔️ phone dates


This seems like enough stuff for two weeks, right?

Two Weeks

Application: done. 

It’ll be two weeks until I hear anything. 

However, the future director called my mom today and asked her if I had applied yet because she wants me to. 

But still no guarantees of the job. There will be 10-12 spots. Possibly hundreds competing for it. I competed against 9,000 for 20. I should have this, right? The last time I was the top 2 candidate but didn’t get it due to politics.

But I’m still scared. I reaaaaaally don’t handle rejection well. And to take it from the same place that rejected me before? Oh and the same institution that I am getting to go play with in a sit down facing my boss? Later this week? Confronting him on his hostility, toxicity, and bullying?

Thankfully it would be a whole different department. And job.

I want it so bad.

Now to wait.

Two weeks.

It can go so fast and so slow at the same time.