Here I Am Again

The anxiety attacks just keep flowing.

Even my HR assumes that on my day off I have to cater to them. 

I am just so fucking sick of how egocentric people are. 

I feel like I am back to where I was when I hit rock bottom two years ago. Realizing how black and abismal this world is. Unable to deal with how horrid society is; not tolerating how selfish people are. Basically tired of constantly having to be worthless and hopeless and accepting lack of respect.

Here I am again.

I just got off a fucked up… Fucked. Up. Shift. I just want to sleep until therapy like I always do. But no. I have to figure out how I’m going to do this phone call to HR an hour before seeing Cherry. Smabulous.

And I’m still pissed off at her. Like my problems aren’t good enough. So she terfed me when I reached out to her in major crisis. So I ditched last week. And she didn’t even reach out. I haven’t ditched in the 2 years I’ve been with her. Could have killed myself. Clearly she dgaf.

I’m tired of being a victim. I’m not even playing one. This ish finds me. I get bullied. PC wants me to not care. 

How do you explain that even though you don’t care what your boss thinks, Ed’s voice does because for whatever twisted unknown reason, Ed’s voice is obsessed with being good enough and not being rejected no matter the circumstances.

For example, I have severe PTSD related to cars after a traumatic car accident. So I hate driving. I need a significant other who can drive. I dated a guy who is legally blind. While he is fabulous and still a great friend, I knew from the start it would never be anything because he cannot drive. Yet when he ended it romantically, it was as if my whole world ended. Like someone had stolen every reality I knew and left me alone to flounder. I was drowning. I cried. I was devastated. I was not even good enough for a blind guy. 

I mean I’m sure I can track back where this all stems from but no matter what, my fear of rejection is way too big and no amount of exposure has been able to fix it a tiny bit. It destroyed me the past few years and actually released Ed’s voice much like a kraken.

So all this hostile work environment and bullying by my boss? Dammit why am I not good enough? Perfect attendance. No tardies. Minimal sick calls. Very knowledgeable. Worked during high crisis times. Come recommended by almost all staff of varying levels. Constantly improving workflow. Positive attitude. Initiative. That bitch you love to hate. Clearly so does my boss.

I really thought when I left high school I left it. Here I am again.

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