The past few weeks have been pure torment and living hell.
I struggle on the brink.
I waiver between purpose and worthlessness. The thoughts are so conflicting. All because of this job. This job that is so toxic.
It isn’t easy to leave. I have been trying to get out for years.
But maybe a chance just popped up.
Please pray to your various deities, cross your fingers, whatever it is yall do, because next week could be the solution I have literally been waiting for for years. My solution I have been crying, self harming, starving, and driven back to Ed’s voice waiting for. It’s my last chance.
And it came at a really weird and opportune time. By a bizarre set of circumstances. One might call it fate. But since fate has burned me so many times in years recently passed I am too scared to get my hopes up—I am at the bottom but I cannot fall anymore.
I vowed and had a gut feeling, intuition, that 2015 would be my year. After horrible past set of 4-6 years I am due for an amazing one. So far it has been off to a great start.
I have my amazing boyfriend PC.
I am losing weight! In a healthy way because I am eating….ish. I am at a better place with my anorexia struggle than I was 2 years ago at least. My food list of safety foods has increased 250%.
I taking better care of myself. Planned several trips–which might actually be ruined by this interview process. Eh story of my life.
I volunteer. And now recruit volunteers. That’s been fun!!
I have dance. I am going to start training for Disney 5k–shout out to Runs on Syrup for giving me that extra inspiration to be able to know that I can do it. Thank you. Seriously. It’s huge and I have a lot of red tape to go through with my therapists but we will try.
I feel like I am getting back to my generalized normal Cassie.
All I am missing is my job.
I have watched as my mom, Cindy, Daren, and even my massage therapist got new and better//healthier jobs. I am beyond ecstatic for them. But I’m pissed because where is mine?! I have waited longer than them for my happy ending! Worked harder and sacrificed more!! Literally sacrificed my health and sanity!!
But maybe this is it.
Application is Monday. I beg for the support. I need all the juju vibes and thoughts I can get. I can’t imagine what endless good would come from this!