1+1+1+…+1= Ed’s Voice

All the therapy has taught me that a bunch of different factors can cause relapse to happen or in my case, a weakening of my already weakened wall against the fight with Ed’s voice.

Some of these factors include the PLEASE skills: 

  • PhysicaL illness
  • balanced Eating
  • mood Altering substances (alcohol, drugs, abused prescription drugs)
  • balanced Sleep
  • getting Exercise

That is what it is but obviously one alters it based on what is appropriate for them. So mine would be to treat physical illness, actually eat, take medications (not an issue), get appropriate sleep, exercise as prescribed–I over exercise.
Some of these factors include what I have already been openly dealing with:

  • Anorexia
  • Anxiety –GAD, PTSD
  • Invalidating environments
  • OCD tendencies
  • Hypergymnasia

Then we add the dash of life:

  • Toxic job
  • Hostile work environment
  • Application for transfer
  • Waiting to hear if said application for program will take me to next round but the wait is still a few weeks
  • Loss of control over own work life
  • Loss of control over anorexia–I’ve been bingeing and they swore this new med would help me lose weight because they use it for BED patients as an off label use but in anorexics it clearly does the opposite. 
  • The battle and desire to start running but the fear that I will not be able to control it–already envisioning how it’ll help me lose weight and tone up by June. How PC will fall in love with me because then I’ll have a better body.
  • Recent return of the feeling of hunger. After years. It wasn’t missed.
  • PC on his family trip to Disney (they still don’t know I exist and I don’t know if his ex is down there or not).
  • Oh ha and poor sleep related to severe stress and anxiety related to first few bulletins. [especially tonight as I meet with HR and boss tomorrow].

Well of we do the mathematical functions here folks, we get the answer: Ed’s voice has returned. 

And with Ed’s voice comes the flow of thoughts that even Ativan can’t slow down the ensuing panic attack. 

I’m fat. Who wants me? PC is seeing his ex. She is probably talking to him while he is there. He will probably come back and end it with me. Why am I not good enough for his family to know about me? Last time he went home, we talked every day and yet he still managed to see his ex and shit. Ugh. This time minimal talking. Sometimes I can lean the right way and I can feel that I’m losing enough weight that I’m getting back to my hip bones, but still fat. Having dreams of how fat I am. Need to lose even more weight before my trip at end of May. Assuming I’m going because I could have interviews then ugh that’s not more stress what if I’m too fat again. What if I’m not good enough again even though I was indirectly recruited and indirectly checked up on? I need that job. I really don’t know how I will literally live in this current one when its beaten me down the way it has already. Made me so hopeless and helpless feeling. Just lose weight. I can control that.

But more than that by June. Running can help with that. No one would really notice. I would start off and it would be the escape I crave. Cherry leaves May 18 for a month so I could easily slip into the exercise rut. I’ll just do it to get this fat off for the big trips. Then I’ll ease back. I’ll do my stretches and arm weight toning in my bedroom so no one will notice. And kettlebell exercises. Then PC would be happy. I’ll get a nice ass again. Maybe even quad lines. I knew someone who ran for 2 months and lost 45lbs. If I could drop like 1-2 pant sizes in that time, I’d be such a happy Cassie. I could strut like a slut again. Get attention the only way that people tell me I’m worthy of receiving it. No one gives a shit about how hard working, responsible, caring, compassionate I am. I guess I join society again and get south hot. That’s my worth anyways. Then I’ll just mind manipulate them. Us damaged people are dangerous. We are survivors.

It’s not like anyone noticed me anyways so I can easily punish this shit body and hurt it since I could never inflict the pain upon others who seem to be able to so easily do it to me. 

Ed’s voice I hear you. You aren’t loud and clear…yet. At least I can rely on you. The one consistent constant in my life.


3 thoughts on “1+1+1+…+1= Ed’s Voice

  1. Life can get so overwhelming all on its own without the mountain of additional stressors you face. I’m seriously hoping for a great result from your transfer request/job change. That change in job made such a huge difference in my coping abilities when it happened for me. You deserve to feel good at work and that is a starting point that I sincerely hope you get.

    Thinking of you. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so ,inch for all of your support and for following my blog! I really appreciate that someone has been following my journey.

      I’m holding out for this job thing, too. So much so I keep finding myself slipping into the mindset of “when it happens…” Which is a dangerous one to have. It is still posted for another 3 days :/

      I want it. I need it.

      Especially after today’s meeting with my boss and HR. I lost and no one seems to really care about me. I’m like why do I even bother?


      • You are most welcome. I read and relate to so much of what you say…I’m glad we have connected here too!

        I do the same, try not to let myself believe in the good things until they are right in my hands. You work so hard though and sometimes karma pulls through and you get the good things you deserve. About a year ago I was stuck in a terrible work environment (health care related) where no one seemed to like me and I was constantly put down no matter how hard I tried. It was soul-crushing and it seemed so endless. Things changed and I made it out eventually. You will too. I’m pulling for you!

        Liked by 1 person

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