Obsessed with Ed

I always find myself becoming SO obsessed with others who have eating disorders. 

Like if there is someone else that has one, especially anorexia, I want to know all. Of course I secretly want to tell them, “me too, you’re not alone” but fear the judgement.

Anyone else find this? This sickening obsession with eating disorders? 

I have to know like everything about them. 

Not sure if it’s so I can be a better anorexic, better understand why I am the way I am, or what.

But with regards to finding other people? I want to see their faces. I want to see what other eating disordered people look like. What other anorexics look like. I want to see a face so I know I’m not alone.

I already go at this world fairly alone so to be able to see someone else, well it makes me feel a little less alone.

And today at work. To be reminded yet again how toxic my work place is and how hard other people try to bully me. Well that happened. All I wanted to do was restrict. Then there was a patient. Medical history of anorexia but not presenting diagnosis. And I kinda felt like it was a sign. A sick, dark, twisted sign. But let’s be honest–we are all those sorts. 

So this patient was in front of me. I know. They don’t know what I know. And I feel relief and comfort in their presence. I want to reach out and be like, “me too.” Maybe even “thank you” for their presence reminded me that while I get bullied and called fat, isolated, made to feel not good enough… Nothing can be worse than hating yourself. Hating yourself so much you starve. No one will get it. 

But in our sick, dark, twisted eating disorder club we do. It’s like initiation. So it was the thing I needed to remind me that I’m dangerous. I’ll kill myself–not these little children I work with and their potlucks and presents celebrating each other and not me. Nah I don’t need that shit. 

I’m a survivor. I have something inside me trying to kill me each day. Like hell they will kill me. I leave that to Ed and Ed’s voice.

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