8 Letters, 3 Words, 2 Fears, 1 Emotion

It was a typical date night. Well, as typical as it can be when I’m a crazy anxious lady trying to cope with the insanities that is my life. Especially since I keep weighing when will PC just be over it and leave. 

Anyways. Typical ish date night. He came to pick me up. He came to the door. I finished my cuteness. Well as much as I could because I’m having a fat day; nope no news still. Fuck I know right?! But I did get a lovely call from the current ringmaster! Guh!

PC saw the kittens. My mom got some extra face time with him so she was appeased. My dad just was beaming…because they are best friends don’t you know… If I could I’d be rolling my eyes right now. I was pretty sure as we were leaving PC was going to be pissed at me. But he was not. Ok.

We went to his car where chivalry isn’t dead!! We actually fight for the car door over who gets there to open mine. It’s a cute little game we do. If others are around I won’t emasculate him but when it’s just us it’s our game. He always closes it for me. Feels good. I’m so spoiled. 

The plan for the evening was dinner. Of course my appetite has been gone for weeks now but he does not need to know that. He picked a place I’ve been dying to try for years! Game on! I was really excited! I love being around him because I just smile, laugh, relax. All feels right.

We got to the area early so we wandered the street a bit which was fun. We went into a used bookstore–my fave places–and played in there a bit. We talked about topics and books. We laughed and discussed. It was wonderful.

We headed over to dinner and we’re lucky enough to be seated early. Dinner was fun. It’s a hot lava rock and fondue place. We enjoyed our meal and of course I’m still sickeningly full. We had awesome conversations. 
I thought my frankness and honesty might have creeped him out. I told him about some wedding talks and how people accrue debt over it and it’s not worth it to me–please note my now ex brother just got married [drama], a coworker, well a gaggle of people did so my dad, Badgyr, and I have had several conversations about it the past few days. I discussed this. I figured this would make PC freak out.

Or even discussing his old condo that he shared with his ex. We had talked about the selling process. 

At one point he just had this mischievous grin on his face and it really turned me on. I ended up really distracted like unable to focus. I told him so. He emulated it again later. I tried to reciprocate and he just didn’t seem to care. I guess I creeped him out or maybe he just doesn’t get that turned on as easily as I do. I am 50 shades of anxious and stress and sex is my default. 

We head back to the car and I bring it up–he doesn’t get turned on very easily. He says he does but he is good at covering it up and masking it. Well at least I’m not too fat and turning him off.

We are making out. 

“You turn me on,” he says.

I smile and keep kissing.

“Cassie?”

“Yes?” I moan thinking it’s about to get hot in here…

“I love you. And you don’t need to say it back until you are ready.”

There it is. My walls are almost down. They should have crumbled. I told him I love you too but I could feel the uncertainty. Like I’m still too scared to open up like that. This is huge for me!!!  I’m fearful of rejection and I’m fearful of not being good enough and PC seeing that. 

And he still loves me after all the crazy shit he has seen me going through and all the bad. Ugh what if he is the one?

I was so scared it would take a lot longer because he had a girlfriend before me. As I told him, I’m hoping I show him what true love and genuine love is. That he feels the love differently than others. He feels different to me. It’s why I worry like did I rush saying it to him? 

And loving me. What does this all mean in relation to telling his friends and family? 

I couldn’t ask tonight. I’m too selfish. It felt amazing to be seen for who I really am and be loved as I am. 

This is a good distraction! 

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2 thoughts on “8 Letters, 3 Words, 2 Fears, 1 Emotion

  1. Oh I’m so proud of you!! It’s okay to still feel that wiggle of uncertainty right now and you did so good! I have trouble truly connecting with other people, get wary/anxious and self sabotage like crazy and I know that sometimes it’s really difficult let someone love you, especially the ones who make you happy.
    You are such a great person and you deserve to be treated so well…. PC seems like he’s doing things in all the right ways. That makes me happy (I’m sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store grinning like a fool at my phone. Lol).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Omg thank you!!! Ya here I am next day feeling SUPER freaked out about it! Ya my self sabotage flag is flying high hahahaha

      SO hard to let him love me!! I’m glad someone understands! When I told my sister this morning her response: don’t be melodramatic. I was like ew boo bitch. This is why I hide my feelings because when I’m honest people disregard my feelings immediately.

      Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. I can feel so alone and misunderstood but then you came along and BAM!! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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