Fell Apart

I am tired. I am also seriously anxious.

I can’t stop shaking my foot. My eyes are barely open. My brain is at high speed capacity.

Tomorrow should be the big day. The day that I should hear if I get an interview or not.

It is all guesses as it is Nurses Week. So nothing really is happening nor expected to happen at this time. 

Yet based on calculations we should hear. 

But via grapevine we did hear that they had minimal applicants–not the turnout they wanted. Not sure what that means. Positive: less competition. Negatives: stricter competition, or as my mom thinks they might cancel the program–even though it’s only 8-10 spots now.

So I’m freaking the fuck out. I am past capacity.

Oh and did I mention my toxic work that I get to go to this weekend with my new manipulated shifts and deal with bitter coworkers and their attitudes? I get to fuck again with my sleep and eating schedule as if it isn’t already fucked up enough. Team Anorexia!!

I don’t know if I can honestly deal with it. I don’t know if Ativan can pull me through on this one.

And I think my team doesn’t think there is anything in place to get me through either. All of our resources, tricks, medications, skills–all maxed out. They are beyond concerned.

How can there be? Sending your abused verbally and emotionally client into the den of the abuser? Sending her in to the place that she gets harassed and bullied for 12 hours straight and literally has to sit and take it? They are pissed and frustrated because there is nothing they can do.

Nice to know I’m not fully alone.

Speaking of, I got an amazing text from PC. I told him before bed how I was freaking out. His response on his own accord: “but whatever happens, we get through it.”

This man. He says that and it’s like omg I want to love him so bad. My heart aches. I’m scared to love him. He has to say it first. My guard and wall are up. He says it, then it will be safe to admit that I might love him. I admit I care deeply for him and I’m falling for him. But that right there? That text? That we is what I needed.

I had an amazing phone call with Badgyr the other day. I had been avoiding her and I told her I felt like I was letting her down and a failure. She told me how I was being dumb for that and she is right. I can’t assume these things.mi was stupid and did it again today with PC. These stressful stimuli are way beyond me and too much for me to deal. 

Ed’s voice is in control. I’m so stressed out I’ve stopped eating because I just can’t bare to. I’m too nauseated. I’m too anxious. Ironically Ed’s voice is kicking in on other things that I’m a failure at and for but the lack of eating is coming from the anxiety and not the anorexia. At least not this second.

Cherry was right: my eating disorder and anxiety are heavily intertwined.

And right now I need so damn answers because two weeks of this and I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t even face work and the harassment. The smile on my face like nothing is wrong. Double life. This is where Ed’s voice thrives. 

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One thought on “Fell Apart

  1. It’s always so hard to deal with several anxiety driven things at once…try to give yourself a little room to breathe if you can. My anxiety can override my judgment in a snap. I’m glad you have good people in your life who will forgive the little mess-ups though. They’re wonderful to have around aren’t they?

    I’m hoping so hard that you get an interview for that job. I think a smaller candidate pool is a good thing….let your talents shine and things will go fine. I’m so with you though! Just so you know. xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

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