I’m Ready to Talk

It has been one hellacious week. 

Because suffering from anorexia isn’t bad enough. Along with all the other behavioral and mental health struggles [see my pages].

I started the week pretty well I guess. Tried to get everything off my chest about what to do since Cherry is leaving for a month-she is getting married. I’m so excited for her!! Granted I’m left in a lurch but this will give me a good idea how dependent on her I really am. Maybe I don’t need her and can break away. 

We parted on: if you get the interviews it means you get the job yay! If not, we pull you and put you on medical leave of absence. Cool. No more toxic work where I want to kill and hurt myself at work. Where they tell me I’m worthless there. Sounds good. So I’m thinking I’ll go back to intensives with her where we do food exposures. Keep up with 3 days, maybe add another.

Her plan? Oh she casually mentions sending me to an eating disorder treatment program. Ya know, where they eat meals together in the evenings. 5 days a week. 

Hold the fucking phone. 

I just completed my one year of group, as agreed upon, so I wouldn’t have to go to an eating disorder treatment facility. 

We argued extensively over it originally and it ended with it would only get worse because I’m the fat anorexic and I will trigger patients. Just what they need. Just what my rejected barely understood ego needs.

My current food struggles are stress related and anxiety driven. And throwing me in those programs will make me so self conscious I will ultimately relapse there and not eat. Seems ass backwards but I know myself and they would be detrimental to me. I will not fit in to their eating programs. I already don’t fit into the mold of an anorexic so I won’t fit into the mold for treatment plans. I’d be happy with the shakes.

But shipping me halfway across the state?! 

Away from my small minuscule support?! Pull the trigger you’ve got the loaded gun pointing at my head already!!!

So now I’m struggling with picking the lesser of two evils.

Fuck my life.

Then Wednesday morning.

I’m at PC’s place. He has already left for work and I’m just in his bed happy as a clam. I’m lying on my left side watching Daria on Netflix [ugh I LOVE it!!] and have been in the same position for like 20 minutes not moving, when the room violently spins to the right in a full circle. I can’t stop it. I realize I’m conscious, can move my extremities, my eyes were open the whole time, and my heart rate is up because I’m scared shitless. It lasted about 5 seconds. I wait a few seconds, calm down and roll over to grab my phone. I am painfully aware how I’m alone and naked in PC’s bed. It happens again but not as strong and for 2 seconds. I reassess myself and call my dad. Thank g-d he is retired. I establish its not a stroke but it could be a TIA. I’m also thinking maybe a seizure. I’m on sooo many meds right now [literally 2 years ago no meds, now 5] that have potential for serotonin syndrome/stroke/seizure I’m like aw crap. I’m also thinking great my sodium is so low I seized it’s a sign. 

My dad surprisingly questions me on my eating and drinking. It had been fairly decent so that’s not the issue. I still grabbed a banana nut muffin and ate that, sat up for like 30 minutes, and drove home. I just wanted to be near someone in case it happened again. 

I got home and did not have any more spins, I was really dizzy, had a crushing headache in the frontal and occipital regions [front and back of my head] and severe nausea unlike the eating disorder kind that made me puke after being in the car. I don’t do the vomit thing very well. And being on Topamax for the facial pain which I think is related to the sinus issues of allergies, I’m not supposed to feel any facial pain or headaches. This breakthrough pain is bad…way very bad.

I was frightened to say the least. I packed my bags expecting to be hospitalized and decided between ER and doctor office.

I called my doctor’s office and they got me in in their express care clinic. I saw a nurse practitioner. I was pumped because I’m team NP. He was clearly second career for cash NP and fresh out of school NP. He was so damn dumb. I ended up telling him he was wrong. He was like asking me if I should go to the ER. I was like I’m here to ask YOU if I should be there. He didn’t even look in my ears and claimed to give me a full physical. Then pronounced my diagnosis as positional vertigo. He gave me Meclizine for the nausea. No origin. NO way to resolve issue at hand. Just another med. No tests or bloodwork.

Total moron.

I have been way off all week. 

Feeling sick. Eating is gross. I feel and look fat. I was supposed to be running but that’s gone. So angry. PC has been great support.
Then I find out via my mom who dug that the job I applied for and have been waiting to hear one? Well they canceled it. It was a training program and there were 4 applicants total so they felt it was not enough to warrant fiscally to keep it so they cancelled it. 

But they still haven’t told me.

I found out on Friday. 30 minutes before PC was coming over for family dinner to meet my mom for the first time. I cried. Now I’m stuck with this MLOA possibility–that hell where Cherry just gets rid of me. I feel like utter shit. I’m so trapped. 

What a crappy week.

My dad was kind enough to drive me because I did not want to take any chances. So I was lucky to have him and relax and mentally prep to and from work. 

I got into a fight with PC today. Our first fight. He tried to fix something because it’s his nature. I, like some people I follow on here [K], self sabotage. And feeling like shit while in a hostile toxic environment? Well my guard was down and I couldn’t fight the urges to self sabotage and end it. I just feel like I’m not good enough.

My life is such shit. Trapped in a dead end job. Can’t even get my trained for healthcare job.

Overqualified for everything else.

Making no money and can’t do anything. Living with my parents and caring for them. I want to live my life worth living. And I feel like that will never ever happen. I feel like PC is ashamed of me and deems me lazy because he doesn’t understand how difficult it is in this state to get a nursing job no matter how smart and qualified you are. I am tired of explaining it to people. That was our fight.

We are fine. I’m on edge. My plate is still way too full. I need to get the hell out of my job. And it seems my one resource out is no longer there.

Countdown to my Disney trip. That eating experience stresses me out enough as is. I’ll blog on that too. But what if the vertigo is still here and I can’t do anything?

Because my life fucking sucks.

As if struggling with anorexia isn’t enough. And anxiety.


One thought on “I’m Ready to Talk

  1. #%^+! I’m so sorry about that position being eliminated I was hoping it would go through so much. I felt like my heart dropped into my stomach when I read the words 😦 I am glad to hear that your Therapist is going to help you go on leave though. That environment is not good for you in any way. Maybe having the time to focus on yourself without having to do battle with the asshats at work for a while will help. ….I’m just so sad for you. Wish I could give you the biggest hug.

    The eating disorder program suggestion would have thrown me too. Particularly since you said you made a deal with her to do the op thing for a year instead. I don’t ever really mention it in blogs, but I was forced into a program once for re-feeding and I still have nightmares about it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. So often I hear that people with disorders eating issues refuse treatment because they don’t want to get better but I tend to believe that everyone responds to therapy (of any kind) differently. Some people just don’t do “group” things well. I am one of those people. I had a hard enough time eating lunch (when I bothered) in public while strangers might glance over, let alone eat in a group of people watching every bite. (The thought of it, even now, makes me shudder).

    Sorry – run on comment here. Just wish I could do something for you. Would happily kill a bottle of wine over an afternoon of friendship without judgement. (Sigh). Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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