In Sickness

I have quite a bit to say.

I had my interview. I wanted to discuss how that went. How they told me they want to hire me but next week they will call officially. How I was ecstatic because I felt like for the first time in years people saw me for me and appreciated me for me.

Discuss how PC came to take me out to dinner to celebrate the accomplishment of getting an interview–and brought flowers!! A total keeper!!

That as PC and I were leaving we ran into my mom where she told me a story that is so fucked up I am still so agitated by it. This story is about my current institution seriously using and abusing me to the point of fradulently taking credit for me. It is quite a story.

To discuss how my mom told me that while this job might really want me, the institution they fall under might not allow them to hire me because I am a new grad RN who falls out of the one year mark and thus does not meet their criteria–no matter how amazing I am. Or how bad this department wants me. So I cannot get my hopes up too high because even though they want me politics could once again come and fuck me. Nothing is real until the contract is signed.

But I am sick.

AGAIN

I am convinced I had a sinus infection previously  that caused the “positional vertigo” a few weeks back. And now thanks to the stress of everything, it has all caught up to me.

I caught myself having had nothing but a forced shaked the day of the interview. Sick and tired. And anxious obvi.

Then last night it hit hard. Pounding headache. Congested sinuses. Blocked ears.

I am so damn tired of being sick!!! I want to be healthy so I have energy to blog about the aforementioned things in detail!! To have energy!

Today I drank 5 liters of water and peed probably 6 times.

I cannot be sick before my big Disney trip!!!!!!!!

But in sickness I must keep going. Nothing ever stops.

Because when we have an eating disorder, we are always sick, aren’t we?

Sick to our stomach–or so we tell people so we will not eat.

Sick to our stomach because we are refeeding.

Sick from malnutrition.

Sick from the voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough and never will be.

Sick of how we are treated but never allowed to have an opinion.

Just plain sick.

But we always carry on. Because we are always in sickness.

Always in sickness but never in health.

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3 thoughts on “In Sickness

  1. I wish I could come over, rub your shoulders and give you a handful of my stomach ulcer meds that make you numb from the throat to the colon. No advice. Xx. One day at a time is all that will work in this.

    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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