No matter what I do. No matter how optimistic. No matter how paranoid or superstitious I am [wearing a perceived lucky belly button ring]. No matter how genuinely kind, considerate, compassionate I am. No matter how much good I have put into the world because I think it is the right thing to do not because I do it as a trade off. No matter that I suffer from anorexia and 5738194 issues.
I still cannot win at life.
No. I did not get the job.
I did not get the call while I was on my Disney trip. On the day she swore by. As the hours ticked by, my heart cracked. I had gotten my heart set on it. It felt different. I was convinced this was it. 2015 is my year: things will happen for ME!!
FUCK it is happening for everyone else who has suffered less atrocities in life in my life. Why can I not have this ONE?!??!
So we head back to the hotel for a nap and I check my email…because I have learned human nature dictates they call with good news, email bad news. And there it was. The director wants someone with a little more experience.
I could not even drink because the damn plane trip triggered the positional vertigo in my head. Fabulous. I couldn’t cry because my family is there.
And one does not simply cry at the happiest place on Earth.
PC was amazing and supportive.
I developed a huge rash all over my body because I forgot how allergic I am to pretty much all sunscreens. Then the heat made it worse. Sexy.
Cindy doesn’t want to talk to me unless it is positive like Disney was this amazing positive experience–not what I had: my grown adult sister throwing child temper tantrums because she does not get her way several times a day. Then my mom following suit.
I have anorexia. I have limited safe foods and places to eat. Fuck Cassie. I finally got the courage to basically tell them to fuck off and do the parks on my own. So scary for me. So proud of me for doing it on my own for the first time ever. So sad it happened this way. My dad realized how ridic they were and would join me about an hour later. Just so juvenille. Clearly not what Cindy wanted to hear.
Sorry my life is not picture perfect like everyone thinks it should be? Or like how I glossed it over for 28 years?
Yay for an upcoming birthday?
My light is gone. My purpose is gone. It was my last hope. I am running out of money thanks to my boss switching my hours and making it impossible for me to leave.
And all the while things keep getting worse.
I kept trying to stay positive before being like, “this is G-d giving me the last bits of negative before this amazing nursing job positive where I can finally have money and afford food and healthcare, leave my family behind, rely on no one ever, and leave the toxicity of my job and family!!”
Some people are just fucked. No matter who they are and what they do.
I can see why depressed people end their lives. What’s the point of living if you know your life is on repeat–destined to watch cruel cheaters get what you deserve? No matter your interventions.
Too bad I am Jewish and I could never do it knowing how the Holocast took the lives from those who wanted it so bad. I just could not dishonor them nor dishonor all those who die so early.