I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Because guess who is sick and tired…. AGAIN?!
YES! I have apparently large tonsils now. Did not have them when I saw the doctors two weeks ago. FABULOUS! And I now get collections on my tonsils. Which HURT! And make me really tired. And have a sore throat. On top of the ongoing horrid allergies. Which drip onto said tonsils.
And on top of all this, I have another damn virus. I spiked a fever. And we just hit a heat streak and there is no a/c where I live. yay!
There truly seems to be no solution at this point in time.
Ride it out. Keep drinking fluids. Keep being sick. Keep on keeping on.
* * *
I saw Cherry for the first time in a month or more. I caught her up on everything. It was a lot. She was shocked herself. I survived. I really did. But all I kept saying to her which is what I keep thinking: I really do not know why PC is still with me.
She reminded me: it is not my choice–it is his. I have wanted to end it a couple times but she is right. I am damn happy. It is his choice to leave me; not mine. I just want to end it because it is what I do best–premature ending of relationships.
Why does he want to be with me? Ever since he has been with me I have been a fucked up mess. Dealing with the anorexia. Sicker than sick thanks to the allergic reaction to the flu shot. Family chaos. Job stress.
And he keeps on loving me. More and more. He makes me happy. And I love spending time with him. But I just feel like how does he not look at me and my current situation and not want to bail?
I mean this really is a low point in my life. I will not sugar coat this shit. The past few years have been. But it really just got worse with all this sickness and the MRIs and CT scans and stuff since before he and I started dating.
He has been ever so supportive. I do not want to lose him. But I also do not want to rely on him or be attached to someone who is just going to leave. Every time I convince myself to back away from him he does something to just pull me in more. I kind of hate him for that. I hate being so susceptible. So reliant. So weak.
Like holy shitake mushrooms! We have been dating since December: almost 6 months! That gives me a panic attack! Freaks me out!!! Our 5 month anniversary is at the end of the month! RIDIC!
My birthday is this week. No one seems to give two cares or remember: not unusual. I am taking a trip with two of my bffls so that is great! It is always a horrid low point in my life and a lot of bad stuff happens on my birthday. So this year I am escaping it and going with two best friends who never do me wrong. It will be good.
And here is PC already planning a picnic celebration just the two of us for my birthday. So cheesy. So romantic. So what I need. He is atypical of my dating type. He is not the usual look either. But I have not had the healthiest relationships [one was emotionally abusive]. PC has just been wonderful. He is what I realized I really do need. I need that softness and that sweetness.
I need him to be my Iron Man Triathalon in training man who romances me and still cuddles me and is not afraid to play along with my crazy games and stories. Like how I should have a pet fluffy chicken to eat spiders. Have you seen fluffy chickens? Google it. You will not be disappointed. Or swings on the swings with me at the park. He meets all levels of my mental needs: child, intellectual, stubborn, anorexic, anxiety, PTSD with cars, traumatized by family, etc.
I always worry that I need to say what I want but that I want to play a game and make him guess and if he does not know I should dump him. But he ends up knowing what I need and giving me that instead. Like this picnic lunch for my birthday. And who knows what he will actually do. But I do have to keep emphasizing the family thing. Or so I thought. Because apparently he told his grandma about me on Valentine’s Day who told his family and he answered basic questions. But now for my birthday present he is going to really tell them about me because he understands how important it is to me even though he never tells his family anything except shallow things.
* * *
Anyways, with all this sickness and stress my exercising gets waylay-ed and off. I feel so fat and out of shape. Today I worked in a different department and they said I look amazing and like I have lost a lot of weight. I tried really hard to see myself through their eyes. Of course I felt huge in my scrubs as the bottoms felt tight. But it could be bloating from this heat surge. Doubt it. I wanted to be a whole scrub pant size smaller by now. Like the size I was when I started this job 7 years ago.
All I know is, when your throat hurts, and it hurts to swallow, it makes it extremely difficult to push forward with food.
So much going on all at once. So much drama that I cannot get out of because I am trapped at my job. And trapped with my family. PC tries to rescue me and he does such a great job of helping me escape until I have to go back to it.
But in the end, I am still sick. And I am still tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.