Alright. So the past few days I have had increasing panic and anxiety. So much so the attacks are much more frequent as in they are occurring again. I find myself with the jiggly foot and leg again.
So how is it that I missed these signs? I noticed them. I remember being like, wow I am having increasing amounts of anxiety and panic attacks.
I noticed how I am becoming very influenced emotionally by what I am reading… again. I feel my mood is off–like I am depressed and I am not sure.
I should be excited!
PC is doing a birthday countdown for me!!
Tomorrow I am getting away from it all for my birthday with two of my best friends. Vegas! Where I am always so happy!!
And yet I have been so anxious.
I went on Facebook to upload the Disneyland photos and I debated tagging PC. I was not sure if he would be upset or if it would cause drama because of family, etc. I was trying to be considerate.
I went over to his page [I am fully aware he does not frequent it often] to see how many friends he has to see if I would blend in. There it catches my eye: one very happy PC with his ex girlfriend. She still has his pictures tagged. No they aren’t friends but now she can stalk him.
Now when I broke up with my ex, I deleted all of our pictures. I untagged him and deleted them. I had five years worth of photos.
PC’s ex has not touched them. I think she still has the feels for him. So what has been ruminating this week? Oh that his ex is still in love with him. And that she might try and steal him back…again.
Add that to the cray.
So last night I have a heart to heart with PC. I tell him what I had to say aloud more for myself than him: that I do not believe in the whole “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” mantra. I believe in utter honesty in my relationships.
I do not cheat. Even when I am wasted, I cannot do it.
It was a great convo. He trusts me. I still feel off. I somehow bring up how I am excited to go and eat which is huge and a first for me.
PC takes it and rolls with it: let’s make a lifestyle change.
Long story short I flip out because I feel like he thinks the cure for anorexia and my life problems is just move to Vegas. But cannot get a nursing job there….I have tried. Another story.
I go to bed tense. I know he was cranky because it was wayyy late for him and shit went down at work and he got called back in. But still.
So today I ended up taking it out on him. I brought up the ex pics. That she’s cute. [Not really I am wayyyyy cuter but she is thinner]. How I am upset. How he seems happier… but seriously he does!!!
He is patient and reminds me I cannot measure his happiness and he is much happier with me. He is convinced that she hates him and that she must have forgotten about those pictures which is why she did not untag him. Um, no. She is 25 years old. She is tech savvy so she knows what she is doing and I guarantee she still wants him and is stalking him. That is why she still has his pictures on her page. That is why he is still tagged. But he wants to think otherwise. I know better having been cheated on, now I am suspicious. Ho in different area code?
I had to take some time to ponder.
Why am I so fucking off? Why am I flipping out? How did I lose control and let that question slip? What is wrong with me?!?!?
Then it dawns on me.
I have not really eaten today as I am heading for my wax. Why not? Oh Ed’s voice silently slipped in and took control.
I am going to Vegas. Where I plan on drinking. Ingesting calories. Not caring and planning out the calories. This scares the shit out of me. Going clubbing with thinner girls. Competing for attention. Wearing a bathing suit. I do feel bolder in Vegas and will wear some more baring clothes but thanks to sickness I have not danced so my core is weak and my lordosis is back and I look pregnant. Hot.
I am going feeling and looking fat and pregnant. Planning out fatty meals [okay just 3 meals a day, snacks, and alcohol].
Normally I starve myself beforehand to negate the calories I am about to ingest…and to make it so I get drunk faster.
And I am fighting this urge so hard. I am trying to continue eating. I swung by Jamba Juice and grabbed my anorexia crisis smoothies and went for it. Get it in. Must break the habit.
As I am fighting this horrid and horrible urge–Ed’s voice–this inner struggle and battle that I have habitually done for over 10 years, I lose control over everything else. Something has to give.
The struggle to eat and fight the thoughts that I am bingeing drains so much energy that my wise mind is out the window. So emotions go crazy.
Hence the crap with PC.
Hence why I want to cry.
Oh ya, and my birthday is Friday.
The ultimate reminder of rejection. The day where everyone in my life, family included, forgets it is my birthday. I feel so insignificant, worthless, rejected.
I hate it. I hate my birthday.
I always end up crying. I always end up wanting to know why I am not good enough.
I always wonder why I am expected to remember everyone else’s birthday–go out of my way to celebrate theirs–and no one can send a fucking text or email; call. A card even!!!
I live the PLUR lifestyle. But my birthday makes me so angry as a defense mechanism because it covers up the hurt and pain of rejection.
My significant anorexia trademarks: rejection, worthlessness, just wanting to be validated.
It is my birthday. I do not want to cry. I want to be loved. I want to be recognized. But I do not want to, nor should I have to, ask for it.
And all of this. All of this is why I am so off this week. My mind and body just automatically goes to shut down during my birthday week and I missed it.
Ed’s voice slipped in and took full control.
And I am not sure if it is worth the battle, at least for my birthday, to fight Ed’s voice.