Quiche–No it’s a quickie

Vegas was amazing. But filled with struggles. My birthday was crushing in itself. I am on day 2 of 4 for work so I can’t talk about my birthday because I’ve cried twice already in therapy and I’ll lose it if I blog it. And I nearly lost it at work today with my toxic boss who just took the opportunity to cut me down. Rude!

Spoilers: ultimate rejection by family. 

PC was great but I struggled with his birthday celebration. Picnic in the park. Push for food. Felt like I let him down. Convinced it’s over and he’s over me. Separate post. 

All in all this week is just fabulous at making me feel undeserving and worthless. 

Cherry wanted to rediscuss how I am an anorexic who doesn’t restrict to lose weight but I restrict for the other two reasons: 1) I do not feel worthy of food 2) to punish myself. I thought we established this but maybe it was a recheck in? Yes I know eating will help me lose weight and I’m fearful of being fat but I hate food and not eating feels much better; especially if I feel unworthy and feel I should punish myself. Sometimes I can’t hurt others or punish others so I do it to myself instead.

Happy. Birthday. Cassie.


2 thoughts on “Quiche–No it’s a quickie

  1. Hey you. I’m SO glad Vegas was fun…I was thinking about you and hoping you got some time to let down and have fun. I had wished we had exchanged email so I could wish you a Happy Birthday last Friday. We should do that one of these days if you’re game?

    Sorry to hear your family acted like you thought they would and that everything else seems to have been a struggle. Why did PC plan a food related celebration for your birthday? 😦 I’m sure it was with the best of intentions but I can think of a lot of things you would have enjoyed much more. Hang in there…it will be okay with him…he seems like a keeper and I’m sure you didn’t let him down at all. (hugs)

    You’re on my mind. I hope the family deal and the sadness you feel doesn’t hold you down today. xoxo


  2. Ugh, holidays of any kind are so hard when you have an eating disorder. I feel your pain, and have totally been there. I definitely restricted because of both of your mentioned reasons. I didn’t feel worthy of pleasure, and had to admit that certain foods brought me pleasure. It made me feel disgusting and like I was being a glutton, even if I ate the smallest of crave-able foods. I also used restriction and exercise to punish myself.
    I hope you can get through this current struggle — one day at a time. Sending hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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