Ed’s Voice vs Cassie’s Courage

The battle is on.

My courage is weak at best. But I stepped up my game.

I am always looking for ways to give myself extra courage and strength in this constant and never ending battle against Ed’s voice with anorexia.

First I bought myself a Tiffany’s Paloma Picasso Love Bracelet to remind myself that I need to love myself.

 
  

It was perfect. It was gentle; like I needed to be with myself. It was silver. I wore it every day. I was in love with my love bracelet. I would touch it when I was struggling, anxious, needed courage.

Unfortunately, the “L” caught on everything and right around one year of wearing it every day and owning it, the clasp broke and it fell off. Insert panic attack and fear it was a sign.

While waiting for that to be fixed, I had fallen in love with another bracelet: Tiffany Infinity Bracelet. 
  

I loved it!! Ideally I would wear it with my fixed Love bracelet so I would remember to love infinitely. But I became too scared and figured this double chain would work best! It seems much more solid. I bought it for myself as a holiday gift last holiday season 2014. I wore it every day until the day I returned from Vegas. I just felt like I needed to take it off.

I didn’t love myself. I lost the light. I no longer had my infinite strength, courage, and love for myself. I felt fraudulent with it on. I panicked with it on. It had to come off.

I have always wanted to have the courage to wear the ED recovery symbol jewelry. To show the world that I am recovering and proud; though only survivors and friends of survivors would know. I find the symbol beautiful. It is one of like 2 tattoos I have ever considered.

But I am too scared to wear it, let alone purchase it. I guess it means I am fully accepting that I am anorexic. It is real.

I was on Etsy and discovered this beautiful necklace. I decided to go for it. It had the option of a stone and I was like sure why not. I ordered the one with my birth stone… Which also happens to be my favorite color.

Eonedesigns makes this beautiful necklace. There are a lot of style options and ranges in necklaces and bracelets; all of which are beautiful. It just caught my eye. I had to have it!! This one was my style and I felt that the symbol being close to my heart might help me out more.

   
  

But now I lack the courage to wear this gorgeous necklace. This necklace I have been searching for the perfect one and finally found!! I am scared someone will recognize the symbol and judge me. Will think I am too fat or mistake my eating disorder–previous posts explain my fears of being labeled as anything but anorexic.

This necklace might give me actual support that I need and also bring recognition to those who also suffer silently. I am just not sure I have the courage to do it. Ed’s voice beats me down every time I hold it in my fingers and stare longingly at it; dreaming of opening the clasp and putting it on.

I guess that is a goal: to wear my necklace. Then to wear it without fear of judgement. 

Maybe I just need a partner who wears one, too, in support of me or because they struggle as well. Then it might be easier. I just need support.