Tuesday was the first official day of my Couch to 5k training. There was a lot going through my twisted head but I was ready for take off–or so I thought.
I woke up to go and see Pati and I had already maneuvered through every reason to not go for the run.
It’s weird. Ed’s voice comes to me in two ways: 1) run to lose the weight, feel the fat pound off and 2) strong social anxiety–do not go out because everyone will see how fat you are and see you sweat because you are fat and unable to run and then you can’t show your face because you are allowing the world to see how fat you are.
Twisted, right? That’s Ed’s voice on repeat. But ironically my fear of judgement and being seen as fat and not good enough has always won out against my desire to lose the weight. So I never ran due to fear.
Anyways, I woke up to that. And both voices were strong.
I tried hard to battle it. I put on a cute gym outfit I had bought for running; intending to run after Pati. I grabbed two shakes to have before the run so I would have some energy. I would tell Pati about it. I kept reminding myself that Cherry would check in and see me do it. I also reminded myself that PC knew I was going to do it.
But I was still so damn scared. Full on panic attack scared. The fear overwhelmed me.
On the drive home, I managed to talk myself in and out of it 6 times. In 20 minutes.
Every excuse: running shoes aren’t reachable, people will see me, I’m tired I should nap before seeing Kiki for the first time in 3 months, I still don’t have my hypoallergenic sunscreen [thanks Target for that fuck up], I’m out of running shape, what if the app doesn’t work, what if I get addicted to it-can’t risk it, what if I get hurt-can’t risk that, I need to clean before PC comes over, I need to work on the party bags for Cindy’s party, my thighs will rub, but worst of all: what if I fail.
The next thing I know is I’m about to puke from this. I’ve subconsciously decided that Ativan is the only way I’m getting my ass out that door. And I take that Ativan and it’s a blur.
I only remember next being like, “omg this is really happening I have left the house–I am doing this.”
This is huge. This is me not just running. This is me conquering a fear. On my own. Putting all my CBT and DBT skills and learning from the past 2 years to work. In that one moment. That should have been an exposure therapy, but with the help of a mild dose of Ativan, I did it on my own. Thanks to the fear I do not remember getting there but oh well!! A victory nonetheless!!
And then the damn app didn’t work the way it was supposed to. When the screen was locked the voice didn’t tell me to run or walk. Just a dip in music. So I listened for that cue. Fine. Except apparently it cues at the halfway mark so that threw me off for a bit and I missed a run part. And then I was really sore and tired and basically didn’t do the last run.
I forgot how to run.
I only know how to sprint. I’m really good at that. Short distances. Fast, too. That’s me: go hard and go fast. All in.
Run till tears exit your eyes and everything is released. It was what I did in middle school.
So this whole pace myself for longer periods is a big challenge. Even with music, I can’t ignore Ed’s voice.
I was proud of myself when I found my jog rhythm. But when circling the park I found the past pain and fears again. Ed kicked in over the music even when I tried to focus on the beat.
There were a bunch of Asian people around doing various things: Asian arts, time with family, and watching me run. I hated that last part. I already have PTSD from highschool being compared to Asian girls all the time. And to now have my time running, at 1030am, being judged by them all?! Shouldn’t they be doing things??? Anything else?? Work?!
I was doing fine with the run but the constant stop and go of the app actually jacked with me. It made me more tired. So did being in the sun in the heat.
I was very agitated when it was done.
I should have been ecstatic. I overcame several fears: I left my house, on my own, and exercised by myself AND I also publicly exercised at the park near my house. Additionally, I survived my first run since I was 14. And it was not the mile I had expected but 2.21miles.
I was angry. I wanted to give up. Thoughts of not being able to do the Disney race filled my head. I was a failure. I felt like I was not good enough to be PC’s girlfriend.
Why couldn’t I run all the times it said to? Why didn’t I run longer? Why didn’t I get to 3 miles? Why was I sore? There’s no way I can run 3x/week. If I do this again I have to repeat. What is PC going to think? I am such a fat loser!!
I can dance no issues. I can swim no issues. These are totally different than running. I am still having to remind myself of that. Especially as I lie in bed and have issues moving my legs because of the soreness in the front of my legs. Nowhere else.
That is a good sign. All of my other muscles kept up just nice.
So after mental stroking, crying, and PC being so excited by my first run [he is upset I ran as far as I did for fear of injury but is still so excited he is planning out all this running crap for me even though I don’t want it], I think I will keep with it.
Why, you ask?
Because this anorexic will fucking lose weight and running will give me legs and a booty again quicker than anything else. And no one will notice. If I can’t win at anorexia, I will not fail at running.
I do not run for comps; just for Disney and weight loss.
Ya. I guess I’ve slipped. Ed’s voice is back. I’m already agitated and ditching a scheduled course tomorrow because of the GAD and Social Anxiety. I just want to run it off. But I would hurt myself and I’m trying to listen to my body.
I guess when I saw Kiki we ahould have adjusted my meds—because I am not sleeping, my anxiety is not in control [yet it must be for me to conquer the fears I did yesterday], and Ativan has been in play way more than it should be.
I also should have called Pati and done a call with her tonight but could not muster for that; just so overwhelmed. Too much at once.
Maybe this facing fears thing takes more out of a person than I originally anticipated.