Ed’s Voice: Creeping In

You know that feeling where you just can’t win? Where you are sad, hopeless, worthless, unappreciated and turn to someone and then while looking for life meaning validation they end up just validating your thoughts and feelings?

Currently happening.

I nist want to escape.

I hate food. Again//still. I feel like I keep fucking things up with PC and like we will not make it to 6 months in 2 weeks. I feel worthless in my dead end job shere people keep reminding me my 2 Bachelors degrees, licenses, and certifications are going to waste–I am too smart and am wasting away. I jist want to dance. I just want to NOT be sick. I want to live NOT with my toxic parents and family.

Everything feels like a vicious cyclical spiral. Around and around I go. Trapped with only one way out and it is not coming.

I feel a manor relapse coming on. And I do not think Cherry sees it coming this time. I am slipping and I am too tired and burned out to fight it anymore.

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3 thoughts on “Ed’s Voice: Creeping In

  1. Oh my friend…I have been there. I’m sorry things are so hard right now…it seems so unfair (it IS so unfair). I wish we could be roomies or something to get you out of that house. When you are surrounded by toxicity it seems like it drips from the walls; like there’s no chance of escape. I have so much respect for you, managing it all, but I hope things start to change for you starting yesterday. It’s time. You need a break from all this bullshit.

    I’ll bet things are more okay with PC than you are trying to convince yourself. I do that to myself too. You’re a really awesome person and it’s clear he can see that, and I’m so happy for you that he’s in your life. Try not to worry. xx (Yeah, Grainne. Just ‘don’t worry about it’. Stunningly stupid advice. lol…you know what I mean though.)

    It’s okay to let go now and then. Between work and there rest of the trials you face, it’s okay to slip up. I’m here if you need me. xox

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I really needed that you have no idea.

      It is this horrible vicious cycle and it’s why I keep getting stuck in anorexia. The only way out I have been able to logically deduce is a job. But it’s not that easy to obtain in California and leaving California is harder because I’m educated in California and pretty much this state has pissed off other states. Long story for another post.

      Anyways it’s hard for others to get and its stressful. My therapists are honestly blown away I haven’t killed myself and they see why I keep saying I’ll die from anorexia by age 35. I haven’t told PC that though. I’m strong. I’m a survivor of some strange ass bs. But the fight is so draining and right now I’m drowning.

      You’re right. Things are actually fine with PC he just wants to fix things because I’m hurting and he hates it. But I am deflecting because I feel worthless and I hate it. It’s my cycle. I’m stuck. I’m back in the circle of anorexia again.

      Ya it’s hard to believe I’m lovable. That comes from the invalidation I grew up with. And am still in.

      He is amazing and sooo supportive.

      Thank you for your support!! I honestly love you!!! ❤ you're amazing! You mean so much to me! While you make think it's stupid, it's really valid and good advice. I tots know!!

      I'm going to slip into exercise purging. And focus on arts and crafts. And my volunteering. It's safe.

      Thanks for your support. I do need you and your support comes through and I love it!! Thanks!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. No no no! You have to keep fighting! Focus on you. Don’t think or worry about others. Who cares about them. You are important! You are worth it! You sre loved! Hugs, J

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