Ed’s Voice Sings

I am fully aware I am slipping. 

I feel it.

And I am at the point where Ed’s voice encourages the OCD tendencies. So my biggest cue is I am honestly addicted to songs.

I am fully aware how ridiculous that sounds. But these songs are literally drugs. I have to hear them.

I am feeling high right now.

I was convinced it was the doping from Topamax. The side effect. Kiki thought it could be PTSD side effects. It is probably all of those but I am realizing it is Ed’s voice beckoning me.

Here I am. I am here Ed. :]

Anyways, Ed has found the usual EDM sexy.

Yes. Sexy. Like I get sexual arousal—the orgasmic feels from music. The oxytocin release from music. That is why I am addicted to it right now.

It just feels….sooooo… goooooood.

sex without sex. mmm yes.

Can’t get pregnant! ;]

I have orgasms from it at this point–but it is not like the vaginal sexual orgasms. No no. This is the full body from mental stimulation; the oxytocin release body shivers sexual like feels good. Like as if I am on drugs without being on drugs. I cannot imagine this on shrooms or acid. I would die from pleasure overload!! hahahaha

That is how I know Ed has come back.

And Ed’s voice sings songs.

Ironically, there is one song that is just so arousing and appealing right now–on repeat over and over again.

It gives me that o and the feels. It makes me feel high. I just dance and move. Very similar to my EDM songs I usualky go to at this time.

But this song, well this song I think really describes my relationship with Ed’s voice.

Shawn Mendes may be singing about some chick, but damn his words really apply to me and my relationship with Ed’s voice. Me fighting anorexia. His struggles and word choice really capture how I feel with anorexia and truly what I do and have struggles with, what I am struggling with. Needle and the thread gotta get you outta my head.

It also helps that the beat is catchy, has amazing guitar, and his voice is surprisingly sexy//good.

Here are the lyrics. Tell me. What do you think. For those of you who battle eating disorders, do you hear it too? Or am I just that fucking lost in this?

Shawn Mendes: Stitches

“Stitches”

I thought that I’d been hurt before
But no one’s ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life

Got a feeling that I’m going under
But I know that I’ll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

Just like a moth drawn to a flame
Oh, you lured me in, I couldn’t sense the pain
Your bitter heart cold to the touch
Now I’m gonna reap what I sow
I’m left seeing red on my own

Got a feeling that I’m going under
But I know that I’ll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover and
Move on

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

[x3:]
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead

Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees (falling on my knees)
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches (and I’ll be needing stitches)
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help (begging, “Baby, please.”)
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

(And now that)
I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches
(And now that)
I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

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2 thoughts on “Ed’s Voice Sings

  1. Well this won’t be much of a shock but I do this very same thing with songs. I was a music major back in school and music has always been the one way I can be sure to feel the things I hide from or find too overwhelming to experience in normal. Music is the one way I’ve always been able to experience the truth and love myself while doing it. I also have some songs that turn me on. lol. Sooo, you weren’t separated at birth from a twin or anything were you? *heehee*

    Liked by 1 person

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