Obsession

Here is a possible shocker. It’s food.

Weird, right? The anorexic is obsessed with food!!

It is actually normal.

Well anyways.

In the previous few posts, I had been establishing how I am relapsing; I am downward spiraling. It is not pretty or fun.

Well some things are–increase in sex drive if PC would give it to me and the hypomania.

Anyways I am celebrating my nephew’s first birthday this weekend. I have several tasks which I am taking pride in–almost like showing off like I am not a fuck up…like I am capable.

This, by the way, is Cindy’s son that we are celebrating.

I had four tasks: 1) create the goody bags in the theme [Mickey Mouse], 2) put the goodies in said bags, 3) bake Mickey krispie treats for goody bags [and I was going to make extras for display… to brag and show off on my abilities, and 4) make macaroni and cheese for 40+ people. Yes it is a large first birthday party.

The bags turned out. Since I am in the throes of relapse, my OCD and type A personality feel it is not what I envisioned, but Cindy thinks they are cute and my mom adores them.

But to me they are not good enough.

Then today was to be my baking day. I was to knock out mac n cheese and the treats. Not hard, right?

Way wrong. Way the fuck wrong.

I already feel overwhelmed that I have an extra shift tomorrow. It is really throwing me off. Add to that this weekend I will be spending two nights in a row with PC…and that time straight with him. From Friday evening until I work Sunday. We have not done that yet. Anxiety: boom.

The macaroni and cheese was a shit show for my OCD and type A: all went wrong. Lesson here: Cassie is never baking for 40 people, from scratch, ever again. The roux fought me. The milk hated me. The ingredients. The stove. Gah. Burnt. It did not taste the way I expected or hoped.

It is not perfect. It is supposed to be perfect. It has to be perfect.

I failed. And in front of all those people. And PC who is going. It is a big deal that he was invited!!

I had a major panic attack because of all of it. It took 5 hours. How is that even possible?!?!???!?!?

Too much. Normally my obsession with food LOVES working with food and serving it to others; never eating it. This was too much. I freaked.

I really lost my appetite from all of this.

I also lost my ability to force through and make the treats. All my energy was gone. It was draining.

The one thing I was looking forward to doing because everyone would talk about how cute they are, how skilled I am, and all that positive recognition and validation–what I need right now. Gone.

I think I am honestly more let down than Cindy is!! I was really looking forward to it! But I do not have time with work tomorrow.

That fucking macaroni amd cheese which is not even good ruined my chances at spotlight. At possible requests for party planning and getting asked to do stuff like that for others.

But mainly show my skills, creativity, and talents. Stand out and not because I am fat.

Fuck.

My food obsessions just gah.

So draining.

And the work week has not started yet.