I’m In Trouble

Today was yet another reminder of how I have a problem.

Today is my 6 month anniversary as a couple with PC. We have been dating for 7 months but it’s been 6 months as boyfriend and girlfriend. This is a huge deal for me.

I have been waiting for this moment for a while. A nice romantic evening the two of us. He picked and planned a restaurant. I have seen a pink package at his place and I have been pestering him about it for a week now.

My anxiety amounted to the plans for him to drop me off at my house after the date. It is a full moon and I have another picked up shift tomorrow. Me. Turning down a chance to spend any extra time with him. And sex!!! On our special anniversary!!!!! I’m shutting down.

Then today I realized I had no drive to get out of bed to eat. I stayed in bed. This ridiculous heat and humidity right now is killing me…especially since we do not have air conditioning. I feel fatter, sweatier, disgusting, gross, lazy, tired. All drive is gone. Let alone drive to force feed myself. I am agitated because I could not run either because of this heat–it is only cool when the sun has set–so basically 9:30 at night. Too late.

Forcing myself to eat was so hard. Cooking is out because it generates heat. I am not allowed fridge space right now because well my mother is just plain manipulative and controlling. So I managed to eat graham crackers with peanut butter and then a mini yogurt today. And I felt like it was a lot. Not good.

I got dressed and pretty. I put on a dress that I had planned on. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror because I could not handle it–instead focusing on small 1inch squares at a time.

I did notice, however, that this dress was much looser tonight then when I put it on in Vegas a month ago. Yet my jeans are tighter. How does that even work?!?!

I still felt huge.

PC surprised me with such a romantic gesture: the same restaurant where he took me and asked me to be his. Which coincidentally is my favorite restaurant.

And yet I could barely eat that much.

This is a place that I am a bottomless pit at. But tonight I felt full and disgustingly so. Even with alcohol on board.

I am worried. It is the split personality  all over again: sanity versus the insanity of Ed’s voice. Trying to be rationale against anorexia. To turn off the luring and seductive sound of Ed’s voice.

And all day today and even now I am battling whether or not to call in sick to work tomorrow and the rest of this weekend. I do not want to deal. It is too much. I cannot handle it. I just want to avoid it.

The perk of going is air conditioning, not dealing with my mother and not being yelled at by my therapists.

This is how I know I am in trouble.


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