This Is What It Feels Like

Sometimes losing yourself just feels good. 

It scares other people.

shhh dont tell them.

This is why eating disorders are secrets!

But this is what happens when one descends into the arms of Ed.

You wanted to know? Didn’t you? Isn’t that why you read this? 

Here it is. This is what it feels like; this is what it looks like. this is my dual mind–my split personality. But Ed’s voice has won so those thoughts are dominant.

How do I feel?

Worthless. Hopeless. Like a total failure. I don’t want to be alive in a world where bullies/evil/negative wins out over caring/kind/hardworking. No matter how much good I do because it is right, I am punished. I watch as others around me who are undeserving are promoted. I have suffered more than anyone should ever have to. I am tired of fighting this battle. I am tired of being the happy positive one in such a horribly toxic world. It literally kills me. This is me dying. Again.

I am back to where I was in 2013. Nothing has changed and yet everything has.

Therapy this week was not pretty. Promises to tell them if I have urges to kill myself; more than my thoughts. Contracts, plans, look into my dark side. While I am a very positive rainbow glitter spitting person, there is a dark side that is hidden beneath all of it; and usually stays that way.

But the past week’s events cracked my dark shell. It released Ed’s voice. The rain is back. I am going under, I am going under, I am going under and I can’t turn around. Can’t turn around.

What does this mean?

I feel so alone.

I don’t want anyone talking me out of my feelings and thoughts. PC watched me cry and he felt helpless and I hate him feeling that. I don’t want him to. This is why I suffer in silence.

I hate people who need attention and seek it out. Currently battling that with other family members; attention seeking drama queens.

No one will believe me until I am dead.

Anyways.

My obsessions are high. I have to do the compulsions. Just to please Ed.

These currently are:

  • Listening to triggering music
  • Doing triggering things even though I know I shouldn’t 
  • Obsessively watching a tv show in a binge: currently it is the OC. If I hit Skins there is no coming back this time
  • Organizing
  • Picking and pinching 
  • Anxiety twitching 
  • Walking into the kitchen and staring at food. If I am unable to find something instantaneously, walk away and not eat.
  • Appetite is gone so touching food feels really dirty; so does thinking about it. Washing my hands incessantly.
  • Drinking a lot of water
  • Taking a lot of naps

    Sitting in my room with my glitter lamp on feels like sex.

    I know it sounds bizarre.

    But not eating. It feels right. doing all these things? They feel good. Better than good. They feel orgasmically right with everything!!! I do them and I feel a sense of peace.

    Listening to this triggering relapse music right now? It reminds me of a night summer 2013. I drank. A lot. I had let Ed in and let Ed have control. We listened to a certain music playlist. It felt so right. All was right. I was wasted. I had escaped. We danced around under the stars.

    This music helps me escape.

    Ed’s voice helps me escape.

    As I finish this, tears run down my face. I don’t even know why.

    I have escaped. This time without drugs or alcohol.

    I don’t need it. I have Ed.

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