This is SO bizarre. Iiiii know! What?! Why am I overwhelmed?! Why am I having a panic attack??
I received great news today.
And I had a panic attack.
So stupid. So I judged that. Which made the panic worse.
Let’s back up. Felt nausea alllll day!!! Had taken Phenergan, twice today, and it did nothing for the nausea! Untouched. Emailed my doctor because this sickness is overwhelming!
Went to the eye doctor. Had my first full on eye exam. Had my eye surgery scheduled for next week.
I don’t do eyes…….. I didn’t handle the whole “my eyes are dilated everything is blurry” thing well. I could not read. I could not watch anything. Thankfully, Andi called me and we spoke for a bit. This covered enough time for me to gain half my vision back.
I opened my email looking for a message from my doctor and there it was: an email. An email from one of many places I have recently applied requesting an interview!! Now it is not in my trained profession–it would be a lateral move–but it is out of my toxic job. I am ecstatic!
I know the pay, benefits, the doctors, etc. It would be full time. I would be able to smoothly transition. It is the first time I have heard and I have hope to get the fluff out of toxic hell and make money. More than I am.
An hour and a half later, I have a voicemail from a place I applied out of desperation. They actually want to interview me for two positions in the field I trained for.
But you see, I always told myself, if I ever applied to a certain sector in my profession, I would kill myself. Literally. And I mean it. Because it would be selling my soul and happiness. It is a very complicated thing to explain on here.
Well being so sick my parents took advantage of it and told me to apply for a position there. I caved and did it last night.
I gave up my soul.
And they called and offered me an interview for two positions. Both unlisted. I wish I could explain this more but I worry about privacy.
Yes it is pretty amazing. I have earned this. But I panic because I fear the crap benefits that these type of places historically come with [I need great benefits obvi]. I fear possible poor pay.
What I fear the most? Is that this greatness is all happening at once; this now bright light at the end of the tunnel; the escape from toxicity; it all ending with rejection much like May’s.
I can’t handle that again.
I have to plan what to do if I interviewed and got both offers.
PC was great at helping me calm down. But yet it was raining interviews today as he said.
Nothing is set up yet; they initiated and I reached out back for both locations. Hopefully by the end of next week I will have interviewed at both places.
Then after all this positivity and raining goodness, I get an email from my doctor. Still no idea what is wrong with me. But hey, for rule out purposes, try your vertigo medication.
Sounds good. I mean I bought a pregnancy test to do in the AM for the same purpose.
Well I’ll be a biscuit. My nausea: all gone.
I’ll try again tomorrow and make sure but what the hell?! Totally different feeling and presentation then the two times before!!
So it has been very overwhelming that SO many good things happened…so close together. Literally within hours.
But nothing is final so there is still a lot to go.
But as Cherry says, we look at things as they come. One step at a time. Focus on the past: it causes depression; focus on the future: it causes anxiety; stay focused on the present–unknown.
So even though it is overwhelming, there is quite some positivity! Please keep the vibes, juju, prayers, thoughts.
I need this.