Archive | August 2015

What?! Overwhelmed!?!?

This is SO bizarre. Iiiii know! What?! Why am I overwhelmed?! Why am I having a panic attack??

I received great news today.


And I had a panic attack.

So stupid. So I judged that. Which made the panic worse.

Let’s back up. Felt nausea alllll day!!! Had taken Phenergan, twice today, and it did nothing for the nausea! Untouched. Emailed my doctor because this sickness is overwhelming!

Went to the eye doctor. Had my first full on eye exam. Had my eye surgery scheduled for next week.

I don’t do eyes…….. I didn’t handle the whole “my eyes are dilated everything is blurry” thing well. I could not read. I could not watch anything. Thankfully, Andi called me and we spoke for a bit. This covered enough time for me to gain half my vision back.

I opened my email looking for a message from my doctor and there it was: an email. An email from one of many places I have recently applied requesting an interview!! Now it is not in my trained profession–it would be a lateral move–but it is out of my toxic job. I am ecstatic!

I know the pay, benefits, the doctors, etc. It would be full time. I would be able to smoothly transition. It is the first time I have heard and I have hope to get the fluff out of toxic hell and make money. More than I am.

An hour and a half later, I have a voicemail from a place I applied out of desperation. They actually want to interview me for two positions in the field I trained for.

But you see, I always told myself, if I ever applied to a certain sector in my profession, I would kill myself. Literally. And I mean it. Because it would be selling my soul and happiness. It is a very complicated thing to explain on here.

Well being so sick my parents took advantage of it and told me to apply for a position there. I caved and did it last night.

I gave up my soul.

And they called and offered me an interview for two positions. Both unlisted. I wish I could explain this more but I worry about privacy.

Yes it is pretty amazing. I have earned this. But I panic because I fear the crap benefits that these type of places historically come with [I need great benefits obvi]. I fear possible poor pay.

What I fear the most? Is that this greatness is all happening at once; this now bright light at the end of the tunnel; the escape from toxicity; it all ending with rejection much like May’s.

I can’t handle that again.

I have to plan what to do if I interviewed and got both offers.

PC was great at helping me calm down. But yet it was raining interviews today as he said.

Nothing is set up yet; they initiated and I reached out back for both locations. Hopefully by the end of next week I will have interviewed at both places.

Then after all this positivity and raining goodness, I get an email from my doctor. Still no idea what is wrong with me. But hey, for rule out purposes, try your vertigo medication.

Sounds good. I mean I bought a pregnancy test to do in the AM for the same purpose.

Well I’ll be a biscuit. My nausea: all gone.

I’ll try again tomorrow and make sure but what the hell?! Totally different feeling and presentation then the two times before!!

So it has been very overwhelming that SO many good things happened…so close together. Literally within hours.

But nothing is final so there is still a lot to go.

But as Cherry says, we look at things as they come. One step at a time. Focus on the past: it causes depression; focus on the future: it causes anxiety; stay focused on the present–unknown.

So even though it is overwhelming, there is quite some positivity! Please keep the vibes, juju, prayers, thoughts.

I need this.

It’s That Time

Up close shot of my purse. I just love the pattern. Busted it out for use today– I rotate through purses.


The Sickness Saga

Oh it continues.

On day what now? You do the math…I am sick!! It has been since Saturday night.  

I am glad to say I have not bonded with the toilet in 24 hours!! Huuuge accomplishment!! I despise throwing up. It is one of the main reasons my purge behavior could only be excessive exercise.

The nausea is much better than yesterday as well. I am feeling it right now but nothing compared to last night.

I am still weak, pale, dizzy, and tired. Managed to pick up a cough [nurse in me figures my throat is sensitive from the acid irritation] and congested/runny nose.

Today was another day of sleeping, drinking, and peeing. And the BRAT diet which for me meant the T–toast and bread.

I had enough energy to paint my toes and finger nails! That was a big deal!

I am upset that I am not able to run this week!! But trying to focus on not physically being ill instead.

I would have finished season 3 of the OC if disc 6 worked… Apparently brand new package and jacked up disc?! Whyyyyyy?!?!? Fate can be so cruel!!

PC decided he has been a crappy boyfriend because I am apparently not needy so he decided today he was swinging by for a couple of hours to see me. This is all him–I have NEVER implied this or encouraged this thought.

We talked last night and he has been so busy focusing on work he possibly might have let me fall to the wayside. Basically because he expected me to be needy. Hahaha yaaaa I don’t do that. So he realized what day it was, how I was still super sick, and how long it has been since he has seen me. He is a fix it guy but there is no fix it solution to this stomach virus. If there was, I would have done it myself on Monday.

I digress. PC was upset. Today he showed up at my place with flowers in tow. Melted my sick little heart. Of course I know I look gross and pale–hahaha I saw it on his face [the pale and sick part not the gross part]. I got what I wanted: he held me.

My dad brought pizza–for him and PC–while I rocked my toast and queasiness. Then I kind of zoned out on PC’s shoulder while they male bonded.

It was so nice. He came through for me.

My silver lining to this sickness saga: my boyfriend is amazing. I love this kid. From the bottom of my sick toes.

I cannot think of anything else because I do not hsve the energy for it.

It’s That Time

Finally have a little energy today. Maybe this illness has an end in sight! PC picked the colors. I was feeling silver or deep cherry. Don’t judge my toes. This is what a dancer’s toes looks like…from being crammed in dance shoes for years.