Cyclical

It is vicious.

It never ends.

Spinning round and round. Tricking me.

I think I finally find happiness and a sense of calm to push forward in recovery and progress forward towards my life worth living.

But my life is stuck on an infinite loop of cyclical toxicity.

*     *     *     *    *     *

Work was its usual crazy hecticness. Nothing out of the new ordinary. I was approved overtime by my charge to finish the duties I have…well some of them. I felt guilty just walking away even though my director feels that’s what I should do. I hate leaving like that.

But I also don’t understand why he constantly approves 16hour shifts… As in super extra overtime for my coworkers instead of calling me in for coverage without blinking but gets upset if I work an hour OT to support our traumatic work environment.

What am I referring to?  

Oh. That toxic boss who has been bullying and harassing me? The one I took to HR only a few months back? Well he is after me… Again.

Life is hard when you are perfect in every way [thank you Ed’s voice, anorexia, and type a personality].

He had my new boss call me on his behalf to arrange a meeting to discuss this past weekend’s events. Of course I am like, “oh do I need to document a dispute I witness?”

“No. [My Exboss-but-is-the-director] wants to meet to discuss why you are not completing your work duties and taking overtime this past weekend.”

I patiently explained to her the chaos of our work environment, the stated orders by this exbossdirector and how I am supposed to just not complete these tasks [all discussed when he changed my hours], trying to support our emergencies, etc. and asked my charge if she wanted me to stay and she said yes. So the boss hears me.

But this guy is still after me. I have legitimately done nothing wrong. So he comes after me. G-d forbid I make overtime when he gives it like free candy to my coworkers in favoritism. He has been trying to push me out the door and I’m not sure why!!

Grainne!! I immediately thought of you. Like wtf?!?!?

I cannot catch a break!!

I am in the middle of an active relapse and I have someone coming after me–bullying me and acting like he is going to fire me when he ain’t got shit to do so. I broke down in front of the newest therapist.

They moved my appointment up to this week from next week. They act like they are trying to catch me in another job. Like it matters since they refuse to offer me any!!

I give up.

2013. Here I am again.

Round and round we go. Round and round. Sometimes thrown into the middle of this storm but usually on the outside being whipped around; hit by the flying debris.

This is a bad pattern I have been trying to break. But all who try to help wind up sucked into it and end up really saddened by my fucked up and screwed up twister cyclone of a situation: nothing can be done.

Sorry I’m not sorry this is reality.

Oh look, a cow!

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5 thoughts on “Cyclical

  1. Oh hell do I ever hear you! I suspect most health care organizations work in similar ways. I worked in a nursing unit as a clerk for a short while and was mortified at the inequity that went on. Senior nurses taking time off whenever they felt like it, racking up OT for charting (the same charting others were forced to do on shift while reporting) and so on. It was sad. It got so bad that new nurses wouldn’t go near the unit when looking for jobs. Shame too, it was an acute care unit with tons of interesting work for them. So many patients in need of some kindness.

    You keep standing up for yourself. Justify every minute of that time you worked! I’ll get inspired and will stand up to my passive aggressive bosses when they get all petty with me. Now. If we could just work for the same place we’d have a little uprising going on. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t really stand up for myself though because he is the big boss. He has the head nurse wrapped around his finger. Everyone knows he sucks yet he has sooo much power!!! Horrible!! Went from laziest RN in department to manager. That’s how we do!! Hahaha so dark.

      I have to go in and be perky and shit. I hate this. I can’t tell him to suck it or fuck off that he is a bully and shot. How I’m going to sue his ass. I have to wait for another job before I can, ya know? But damn of I won’t have a Cassie wing at that section!! ;]

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    • Omg we would have SO MUCH FUN working together!! I met one of my bffls there and we would have fun and some bitter bitties separated us because they hated how we always got our stuff done and had a good time no matter what. Patient died? Still turned out night around. You and I totally would too!! And we would restart family dinners!! We used to do this thing when all my friends worked on Sunday’s called family dinners. We would contribute to a theme dinner. It usually ended up being grilled cheese or salads because it was our faves. We would sit around and talk. It’s one of my fave memories. Good old days.

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    • Thank you. See that’s what hurts–I know I’ve earned it and I see alllll these others who haven’t getting what I deserve and it kills me. I don’t think I’m entitled and I hate entitled people… But this is killing me. Taking everyone else’s bad juju and torture while they just get all my winnings?!?! Screw that!!

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