It is vicious.
It never ends.
Spinning round and round. Tricking me.
I think I finally find happiness and a sense of calm to push forward in recovery and progress forward towards my life worth living.
But my life is stuck on an infinite loop of cyclical toxicity.
* * * * * *
Work was its usual crazy hecticness. Nothing out of the new ordinary. I was approved overtime by my charge to finish the duties I have…well some of them. I felt guilty just walking away even though my director feels that’s what I should do. I hate leaving like that.
But I also don’t understand why he constantly approves 16hour shifts… As in super extra overtime for my coworkers instead of calling me in for coverage without blinking but gets upset if I work an hour OT to support our traumatic work environment.
What am I referring to?
Oh. That toxic boss who has been bullying and harassing me? The one I took to HR only a few months back? Well he is after me… Again.
Life is hard when you are perfect in every way [thank you Ed’s voice, anorexia, and type a personality].
He had my new boss call me on his behalf to arrange a meeting to discuss this past weekend’s events. Of course I am like, “oh do I need to document a dispute I witness?”
“No. [My Exboss-but-is-the-director] wants to meet to discuss why you are not completing your work duties and taking overtime this past weekend.”
I patiently explained to her the chaos of our work environment, the stated orders by this exbossdirector and how I am supposed to just not complete these tasks [all discussed when he changed my hours], trying to support our emergencies, etc. and asked my charge if she wanted me to stay and she said yes. So the boss hears me.
But this guy is still after me. I have legitimately done nothing wrong. So he comes after me. G-d forbid I make overtime when he gives it like free candy to my coworkers in favoritism. He has been trying to push me out the door and I’m not sure why!!
Grainne!! I immediately thought of you. Like wtf?!?!?
I cannot catch a break!!
I am in the middle of an active relapse and I have someone coming after me–bullying me and acting like he is going to fire me when he ain’t got shit to do so. I broke down in front of the newest therapist.
They moved my appointment up to this week from next week. They act like they are trying to catch me in another job. Like it matters since they refuse to offer me any!!
I give up.
2013. Here I am again.
Round and round we go. Round and round. Sometimes thrown into the middle of this storm but usually on the outside being whipped around; hit by the flying debris.
This is a bad pattern I have been trying to break. But all who try to help wind up sucked into it and end up really saddened by my fucked up and screwed up twister cyclone of a situation: nothing can be done.
Sorry I’m not sorry this is reality.
Oh look, a cow!